Screams of Silence
by BTRsAngel
Summary: Nobody noticed his pain, nobody noticed how he was falling apart, how broken he was. He was finally going to end all of his pain and suffering.
1. Breakfast

James Diamond was _the _face.

And everybody knew that.

He'd walk through the lobby and get a "Hey, James!" or a "What's up, James?" from every person he walked past. He was the handsome, hot and shirtless, good-looking boy at the Palm Woods, and no other guy even dared to try and take that place from him.

Who could anyway, right? With a boy _that_ good looking, who can compete? James felt very secure about himself, and was probably a little _too_ secure. Either way, he felt like he was at the top of the world and deserved to be there. He could get any girl he wanted, and always the girl would fall head over heels with him. Girls fell head over heels before they even met or talked to him. He was just too perfect, and everybody knew that.

He was James Diamond.

It was a normal day, like any other day. James was, of course, feeling bright and handsome as usual, and of course, he was. He ran his lucky comb through his hair as he stood in front of one of his full-length mirrors. "Well, James, you look pretty this morning." He said, winking at his reflection as he continued to comb his hair. He just jumped out of bed and woke up with his natural glow of perfection.

Carlos, however, still lied in bed and groaned.

"James, shut up, I'm trying to sleep!" He groaned, slamming a pillow over his face. "Ignore him, James." He said to his reflection. Carlos groaned, sat up, and threw his pillow at James, with a force strong enough to make him shout "OW!" and fall over on the floor.

"How are you so cheery in the morning?" Carlos grumbled as he lied back down in bed. James popped back up, pillow in hands. "Because, Carlos, I'm James." He said. He gave his signature hair flip and tossed the pillow back at Carlos. It hit against his face, and Carlos picked it back up and angrily pelted it at James. But he dodged it, and it knocked over a lamp.

"What was that?" Mrs. Knight shouted from downstairs. "James dodged my pillow and broke the lamp." Carlos grumbled to himself. James shot him a glare.

"Whatever it was, you guys have to come downstairs and eat breakfast! You have to leave for work soon!" She shouted back upstairs. "Ha ha." James mocked Carlos as he happily made his way out of his room and down the swirly slide to the breakfast table, where Kendall and Logan were already seated.

"CARLOS, TIME FOR BREAKFAST!" Mrs. Knight shouted up. All you heard was a load moaning and grumbling as Carlos rolled out of bed and _thudded _on the floor, then his footsteps walk across the room. James shook his head and laughed to himself as he sat down. Seconds later, Carlos came lazily and slowly sliding down the swirly slide, slapping James in the back of the head as he walked towards his seat.

Lazily sitting himself down at the table, Carlos yawned as he poured himself a glass of orange juice and waited for Mrs. Knight to give him his pancakes.

James was smiling to himself as he happily ate his pancakes, barely getting a drop of syrup on his face. "Well, looks like Mr. Perfect is in a good mood this morning." Kendall said, smiling as he poured himself some orange juice. "He was talking to his reflection again." Carlos said, half asleep.

"Nothing can ruin my day today! James is feeling bright, happy and cheery this morning, and, don't forget, handsome." James flipped his hair and gave everyone 'the look' at the last few words. Carlos groaned, and Kendall smiled and shook his head.

"I don't know how on earth you are like that every morning." Logan said. "I just am." James said, smiling to himself. Mrs. Knight smiled and rolled her eyes as she continued to make pancakes. James's happy grin remained on his face as he ate.

"James, you have got to be the most secure person there ever was." Kendall said, giving a half laugh. "And conceited." Carlos grumbled. "You can't ruin my mood today, Grumpy Old Carlos." James said. "All right, all right, let's just eat." Mrs. Knight said. Carlos grumbled something to himself, and James sat there and ate with that same hapy smile on his face.

James Diamond was always this secure about himself, almost always in a mood like this. The girls were all over him. He was an amazing singer, he knew how to charm the ladies, and was incredibly hot, he had perfect hair, and he just had that personality that made girls fall for him and made friends with everybody. Girls were always falling head over heels for him and I mean, who wouldn't, right?

After James was done eating breakfast, he proudly stood up while Mrs. Knight collected his plate. "I'm gonna go get ready." He said, cheerful attitude, and turned for his bedroom. "You have fun with that." Kendall said, smiling to himself.

James bounded up the stairs to his bedroom, the way he always did, his hair flipping with each step.


	2. The Fan Signing

**I apologize greatly for the late chapter. I hope this makes up for it ;)**

As he was getting ready, combing his wonderful hair, he smiled to himself in the mirror.

"James Diamond, you sure are a catch." He said, giving his reflection a wink. "Is it possible you could be any more handsome than you already are now?"

He was startled by a pillow being thrown at him. "Ow!" He exclaimed as the pillow impacted his face and his lucky comb hit the floor.

"Earth to James, we have to leave soon." Carlos said, pulling a shirt over his head. "Well, it takes a long time to get _this _ready and beautiful for the day." James said, waving his hands around his face. "Oh please, James, you practically roll out of bed like that every day." Carlos said. James just shrugged and picked up his comb from the floor, and continued to get dressed.

"So what are we supposed to be doing at the studio today?" James asked. "Gustavo said something about learning a new song for the album." Carlos replied. "Good or bad mood?" James asked. "No word yet, but I'd be prepared." Carlos replied. James gave a smile and a small laugh. "Oh alright."

"But seriously dude, hurry up because if he is in a bad mood, I don't want to be late because you were checking yourself out in the mirror." Carlos said. "Alright, mom." James joked with a smile. Carlos shook his head and went into the bathroom.

James took a good look at himself in the mirror. He eyed himself from head to toe. He smiled at what he saw. He didn't say anything, he just stood there in front of his mirror, admiring himself. All the magazine reports have been very good to him, and he couldn't argue with a single one.

_James Diamond, arguably the hottest member of Big Time Rush._

He finally turned away and began slipping the clothes on over his body.

_James Diamond, the voice of an angel._

He sang the lyrics the Worldwide as he got ready.

_The future for James Diamond is very bright._

And that was when he was ready to head out and start the day.

"Time for us to leave! Is James ready yet?" Kendall asked Carlos, who just came down the swirly slide. He shrugged his shoulders, but after that moment there came James, happy as ever, sliding perfectly down the yellow slide.

"Ready, Mr. Diamond?" Kendall joked. "Yes, Knight." James replied. "Proceed." Kendall smiled and shook his head. He placed his arm around James's shoulder and they walked out the door, followed by Logan and Carlos.

At the studio, Gustavo had the boys all sitting around at a table. He had Kelly pass out song sheets with the lyrics to a new song on them.

"Dogs, this new song is called No Idea." Gustavo said, handing out the last sheets of paper. "Learn the song, boys. We'll call you back in in a few days to record it. Griffin is pressuring us to release some new songs NOW and we can't put it off much longer." Kelly said.

The boys looked over their sheets and nodded. "Will do." James said. "Good." Gustavo replied.

"Now, we've got a lot to do today. We've got that fan signing at the mall, then we've got the perform a concert in Palm Woods park, and you've also got to learn the lyrics to No Idea. Listen to it on the way to the mall, let's go!" Gustavo yelled, and all the boys ran outside to the awaiting limo.

The four boys jumped inside and Gustavo and Kelly climbed in, Kelly shutting the door behind her. Kendall, James, Carlos and Logan were all laughing and were now fully energized. "It's gonna be a long day." Gustavo sighed as the limo pulled away for the mall.

"I can't wait to go to this autograph signing because I miss getting in touch with our fans." Kendall said. "I agree." James replied, combing his hair.

"I still can't believe you still carry that thing around with you." Logan said, smiling and shaking his head.

"Hey, I resent that because my hair needs to stay in perfect condition all day long." James said, running his comb through his hair over and over again in perfect strokes.

"James, you wake up and your hair is like that practically every morning." Carlos said. "You're just jealous." James said, grinning and not even looking at them. Carlos rolled his eyes and shook his head.

In 20 minutes they had reached the mall, and already standing out front there was a big, long line of fans screaming and cheering, waiting for the guys. They all looked out the window in amazement at all their wonderful fans.

Some were holding up signs, practically all of them had BTR t shirts on, and they were all singing along to BTR's songs. The boys smiled. They loved it when they went to signing and concerts and seeing all their fans "bonding" together like that.

James smiled. Mostly, out the whole array of screaming girls, most of them had signs and t shirts with his name and face on them. He nodded his head in satisfaction. "I know I'm amazing." He said proudly to himself. And that was when BTR stepped out of the limo, and the crowd went completely crazy.

They all waved to their awaiting fans in the line. They screamed back, and it was so crazy numerous guards had to come out and hold the girls from charging forward. There were, "I love you, Kendall!" and "I love you, Carlos!" and I love you Logan!" and "I love you James!" coming from this way and that, and the guys smiled and waved at each of the fans. They had to be rushed then inside the mall doors.

"Sorry we're late." The boys could hear Gustavo saying to someone behind them.

"You're lucky you got here when you did, these girls were getting crazy."

James smiled at all the awaiting fans, and to himself. BTR's popularity had really soared over the course of the 2 years they've been in L.A. Already they had thousands of fans, or "Rushers", performed for sold out arenas, went on a world tour, had numerous hits, 2 albums out and working on a third, James loved it.

A short walk from the mall doors to the autograph table, they were practically following a line of screaming girls the whole way there. "Paralyzed" was playing on the speakers, and the fans were singing along. "You got me paralyzed, paralyzed, p-p-p-paralyzed," James sang to himself as the guys practically pushed through a crowd of fans and took their seats.

A short little introduction, and fans were ready to start walking through the line. First, they would meet up with Kendall, than Logan, than Carlos, and then James. When the first girl reached James, a girl around 12 or 13 years old, she was ecstatic.

"James, I love you so much!" She said as she approached him. "Thanks." He said with a grin. Carlos smiled and shook his head as James signed her poster. "What's your name?" He asked her. "Angie." She replied. He smiled and gave her a little hug. "Thanks for being a Rusher." He said, and smiled as the girl practically freaked out that James Diamond gave her a hug.

"I can tell you're having fun already." Carlos said. "Yeah, well, you know." James said as he greeted the next fan.

It was two girls coming together. "She's gonna marry you!" The one girl's friend said. "Are you sure you're ready to be Mrs. Diamond?" He said to the one girl, about 14 years old. "I think so." She replied back, giggling. James grinned as he signed their CDs. Girls loved him too much, he thought as he stared out at the many hundreds and hundreds of girls in line ahead of him. But he was _beyond _ok with that.

After all, he _was_ James Diamond.

**So, by describing the relationship between James and his fans in this chapter, what do you think could happen in later chapters? ;) review please it means a lot! (and i promise i won't be late updating next time!)**


	3. Fan Love

**I'm sorry if this chapter is kinda stupid, I had to include it. But the next chapter is better and I'm updating that one RIGHT after this one because this one is short and boring, lol.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviews so far. And SPOILER ALERT: It will get REALLY intense once a certain person arrives at Rocque Records: and that's where our story REALLY begins…**

**Lol thanks for reading guys ;)**

Fan after fan after fan after fan, the boys were there for HOURS. They all received a great amount of compliments, and they thanked each and every single fan who gave them one. Hug after hug, signing CDs and posters and t shirts, (and one girl asked the boys to sign her forehead), the boys were dead tired.

"The Big Time Rush fan signing is now over," An announcer said. "Awwwwww!" Came from the crowd. "But, catch them later on today for a special concert in Palm Woods Park!"

Loud cheers from every single one of them. The boys smiled.

"Let's go, dogs." Gustavo said. The boys rolled their eyes, and stood up, security guards grabbing the presents given to them by fans.

"Bye Big Time Rush!" One girl shouted. "I love you!" Shouted another as James, Carlos, Logan and Kendall all began to exit their seats to leave the mall.

As James followed a security guard past the large crowd, girls could be heard shouting from every direction.

"James, you're so cute!"

"I love you, James!"

"James, you're the best!"

"We love you, James!"

He had to smile to himself, and he heard Carlos laughing behind him. "Must feel good, doesn't it?" He said, smiling and giving his friend a pat on the shoulder. "You bet it does." He laughed.

James waved to the fans as he walked, smiling and saying, "I love you, too!" to one girl who was shouting and crying. Seeing she got James's attention, she leaned onto her friend standing next to her and started bawling. James laughed and shook his head, and continued walking.

He. Loved. His. Life.

"Hurry up, dogs! You've got to do sound check at Palm Woods Park soon!" Gustavo said, practically pushing them forward. "Geez, Gustavo." James heard Carlos mumble behind him. It was a wonder he could hear anything at all due to all the screaming girls surrounding them. He was surprised his hearing wasn't damaged in the slightest.

Soon the boys were in the limo, and it pulled away from the mall. Fans waved and shouted after them as the left. James smiled to himself as he looked over the fans as they pulled away.

_I'm too perfect, aren't I?_ He thought to himself.

That's our James.

"'Cause she has no idea, no idea that I'm even here, I'm even here she has no idea, no idea I'm standing here, I'm standing here." James sang.

"This is gonna be a great song to record." Kendall said, looking over the lyrics. As he read over them, James sang the lyrics, Carlos hummed along and Logan added harmonies.

"But Griffin's only giving us until this Friday to record it, so I'd suggest practicing real hard on that song." Kelly said.

"Don't worry, James replied. "I got this." Gustavo rolled his eyes and looked through some papers. Kelly smiled and shook her head.

"So what kind of gifts did you guys get from the fan signing?" Carlos asked, holding up a sparkly blue bag.

"Well, probably my favorite is a girl gave me a customized hockey stick!" Kendall said, holding a hockey stick across his lap. It was black, and decorated with "BTR" written all over it in red and white.

"One girl gave me a pack of frozen corndogs!" Carlos said, a huge grin spread across his face, holding up his treasured item. Logan smiled and replied, "A couple girls gave me medical books."

"What about you, James?"

"Too many to count." He replied, a smirk on his face. "But I love every single one of them." The other guys shook their heads and laughed. "And what kinds of things would that be?" Kendall asked.

"Well, I've gotten about 22 bracelets, LOTS of love letters and notes, drawings of myself, and I do say I look very handsome." James said, holding up a picture of himself drawn by a fan, and giving his friends _the face. _"And also hair care products and stuff."

Kendall laughed and shook his head again. "Oh, that's our James." He said. James grinned and shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, that's just me. I can't help it I'm that amazing." He said. Gustavo sighed, and Kelly smiled.

As the boys rolled in the limo towards the Palm Woods, James looked over his many gifts and letters and smiled to himself. But not in a conceited kind of way. He really was proud of himself, and all that he's accomplished in such a short amount of time. He finally did make his dream come true…

They got ready at the Palm Woods before heading out to the park for soundcheck. James was setting some of his gifts and drawings on his dresser as Carlos walked into the room from the bathroom.

"Decorating, I see?" He said. James nodded. "Just setting up some stuff I got today." He replied in a simple tone. Carlos walked towards James and looked over the many things he was setting and hanging up.

"You are too in love with yourself, aren't you?"

"And the fans."

Carlos smiled and hit his friend on the shoulder. "I'm going downstairs, we gotta leave in a few minutes. See you down there." Carlos said, and he left the room. James was silent for a few moments, looking over the many gifts he had receieved. He flipped his hair, took a deep breath, smiled and walked out. He looked back once, truly proud of what he has done. He was proud of himself.

The stage was already set up at the park. Already some fans were waiting around for the concert to start. "We should let them stay for the soundcheck." Kendall said, and all four boys looked at Gustavo.

"Oh, alright. Whatever."

Excitedly, the four boys jumped on stage and announced the news to their fans. The girls went crazy, piling into their seats to watch. Again, James looked over the fans that were there, a good bit of them wearing his face on their t shirts, and he smiled.


	4. A Concert and a Worldwide Girl

**This is sort of an add on chapter, I would say, I split them up because A) it would be too long if I added them together and B) I really liked the name I came up for this chapter for some reason, LOL.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing, you guys are the best! I am desperately trying to write the next couple chapters because it's going to get REALLY intense and maybe kind of scary, rating may actually go up!**

There were HUNDREDS of people at that concert that night.

The entire park was covered in a sea of screaming and crying girls, some were even hiding in trees to watch. Before they went on, BTR looked behind the curtain at how many people were there.

"There's A LOT of people here tonight!" Logan said, smiling and excited. "Don't you just love it?" James asked, placing his arm around Carlos and Kendall's shoulder.

"Yes, James, we do." Kendall laughed. "But clearly, we're not as self loving as you are." Carlos said. "Takes practice." He replied. Kendall rolled his eyes and laughed to himself as we walked away from them.

"So how long do we have?" James asked Gustavo. "Oh, about 10 seconds! Get ready to go out there!" He shouted, and walked away. "Ok, ok." He said, and turned towards his bandmates. "Ready?" He asked. "Ready." They replied.

They burst out of the curtain, and the crowd went wild.

"Kendall!" "James!" "Carlos!" "Logan!" People were screaming from this way and that, as the boys belted out the lyrics to Love Me, Love Me flawlessly.

_Jaw drop, heart stop, we eye lock_

_I must be dreaming don't hit the alarm clock_

_Under the lights, coming she thriller tonight_

_One dance, two dance, it's not enough_

_You got that glow in dark_

_I'm not giving up_

_I'm reading your mind, you know I'm a psychic_

_Why you tryin' to hide it? _

As Kendall took center stage, the crowd roared. Girls screamed from this way and that, shouting, "KENDALL! KENDALL! I LOVE YOU!" And Kendall smiled as he sang, and although his throat was getting dry already, he sang every lyric perfect.

Then during the chorus, it was Logan's turn to shine.

_Love me, love me say you're gonna love me_

_I'm ready to go_

_Love me, love me say you're gonna love me_

_Don't leave me out on the floor_

_Woooooah, don't tell me no_

_Love me, love me say you're gonna love me_

_I'm ready to go_

_I'm ready to go_

Again, the crowd roared with excitement as another boy took the stage. Logan smiled as he did it, waving at fans as the others danced behind him. After Logan, it was Carlos' turn.

_Can't stop, won't stop_

_We party rock_

_You got them red velvet lips_

_Sweet like Better Crocker_

_So call the doctor_

'_Cause someone needs to take your temperature_

_You're getting hotter_

As Carlos jumped to center stage, everyone screamed yet again. He sang perfectly, every word flowing from his mouth like they were shaped to do so. But, as he stepped out of the light, and James took center stage, the crowd then completely lost it.

_Under the lights, coming alive_

_She thriller tonight_

_I'm reading your mind_

_You know I'm a psychic_

_Why you tryin' to hide it?(hide it)_

He received the biggest cheer of the four of them. His voice was flawless. His moves were without fault. He sang his heart out, and even when he didn't sing lead, the fans still went crazy. It was like he was meant to be up there all along. He grinned from ear to ear, like the fans were replying to James saying "Love me, love me!", "We are! We are!"

* * *

After a couple songs, it was time to sing Worldwide. The boys had to go down into the audience and pick a girl to bring up on stage with them.

Before they announced the song, Kendall whispered to James, "So who should it be?" James scanned the crowd as Carlos announced the song with Logan. The girls went crazy, knowing one of them were going to be that one, lucky girl.

"I say her." James pointed to a girl standing front row, big grin spread across her face, very energetic girl. "I agree." Kendall said, and he and James hopped off stage to select her from the crowd.

The crowd screamed and the girl stared at them, totally shocked, as they told her the good news. The girls had her eyes on James the whole time. He took her by the hand and led her up stage and sat her down right in the middle of the four of them.

"What's your name?" James asked her. "Julie." The girl replied, barely able to speak. She clutched onto James's hand, tears forming in her eyes. She was a nice girl, tall, long light brown hair, about 14 years old.

"Hi, Julie." James greeted her with a smile. Her smile reached 10 miles as James spoke to her. "And what has been the best part of your night so far." He asked her. She cleared her throat and replied, still tearful, "You have."

"Awwwwww." Came from the crowd.

"Well, Julie, you're going to be our special girl tonight." Logan said, and they began the words to Worldwide…

_Wait, a minute_

_Before you tell me anything, how was your day?_

'_Cause I been missing_

_(You by my side, yeah)_

Throughout the entire song, Julie had to keep herself from crying. She rested her head on James' shoulder and held his hand. He held her hand tightly, and looked into her eyes and smiled as he sang. By the look on her face, you could tell this was the best moment her life would ever have.

Kendall came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, as Logan held her other hand. Carlos stood beside Kendall and placed his hand on her shoulder, and gave her a kiss on her cheek. But out of all of that, just simply holding James's hand was the best feeling in the world to her.

James loved that he could make girls happy like that. As he looked at Julie during the song, it really hit him (as it did many times before), that people really did adore him and really did love him for his music, looks and attitude. A lot of fans got past the fact that he was a bit conceited, and he loved them for that.

James took Julie's hand, looked directly into her eyes, and sang,

_Always remember, girl you're mine…_

Later on that night, when the boys were back at the Palm Woods, Carlos flopped down on his bed and cuddled his pillow. "I am so sore." He said. "I'm fine." James said happily, slipping his fan-made bracelets off his wrist and onto his dresser, with the many assortment of items, including the uniquely crafted green bracelet given to him by his Worldwide Girl.

"I see you had fun today." Carlos said, his voice muffled because his face was buried in his pillow.

"I sure did. Too bad we can't do it again tomorrow." James replied. "Well, we've got the day off tomorrow. I'm lying by the pool all day and relaxing." Carlos said, head still buried in pillow. James walked over to Carlos and patted his shoulder. "Night, buddy." He said, and he turned out the lights and crawled into bed.

"Night, James." He heard Carlos mumble. James smiled and laughed to himself as he rested his head against his pillow. He looked at his reflection in the mirror across from his bed. "Goodnight, James." He said to himself as he closed his eyes.

"I'll see your pretty face in the morning."


	5. Victoria

**Very sorry for not updating ina while. It's really hard trying to write and update 4 stories at once!**

**Enjoy :)**

James woke up on his own accord that next morning, feeling rested and relaxed after the big day he's had yesterday. "I think I'll go down to the pool." He said as he stretched his arms and legs. He turned to his reflection. "Lookin' good, James." He said, winking to himself. He combed his hair and looked over the many fan gifts one more time. He nodded, smiling.

It was maybe 10 AM, and it was no surprise that the other boys were still asleep. They were talking and dancing and singing and were mauled by fans (and paparazzi) that they deserved a good rest. They were welcomed to join him when they woke up.

Sun tanning time. He needed his skin to be perfect. And plus, after the night they just had, he needed some James time to relax and cool off a bit. And what better way to do that than suntan next to the famous Palm Woods pool?

As he took his seat in his favorite chair, he waved to some of his friends who were swimming at that point and who happened to be walking past. "Hey James!" Camille said as she walked past. "What's up?" Guitar Dude said. "Hey, James." Even the Jennifers greeted him. "Hi James!" Three more people from the Palm Woods walked past. James waved and said hello to them all. He loved the attention he was getting. He only didn't like it when the paparazzi were all over him all the time, though.

Around both of his wrists he wore some of the numerous bracelets fans had given him, including the one Julie had given him. It was one of his favorites: It was nicely done, crafted in fine stitching, and in his favorite color, green, too. It also had his name printed in white in fine cursive on it. He loved it. He loved his fans.

He lied back and relaxed, a smile spreading across his face. His life was so perfect, he thought. Just. Absolutely. Perfect.

"Mind if I take this seat?" A voice caused James to open his eyes and look up at the person. A big grin spread across his face. Victoria, one of the most beautiful girls he's ever seen. He had a BIG crush on this girl, she was just beautiful to him. She made James feel really happy and special.

"Sure, go ahead." James said as she took the seat right next to him, setting her bag next to her chair.

"So how are you, James?" Victoria asked as she lied down on the chair. "Good, and how about you?" He replied.

"I've been fine, I guess." She sighed. James got a puzzled look on his face. "And why the "I guess?" and a sigh?" He asked.

"I never hang out with anybody. Everyone else seems to be having a fun summer but me." Victoria said, sighing once more. James thought for a moment, then an idea popped into his head.

"How would you like to go see a movie with me. Maybe we can go see the new Batman movie tonight?" James asked. The look on her face was priceless. She started blushing and a smile spread across her face.

"Oh, um, ok!" She said, seeming to stumble over her words. "The movie starts at 8, so meet me in the lobby at about 7, ok?" He said.

"Ok! Thanks James, so much." She said. He smiled. "You're welcome, Victoria." He replied. The smile remained on his face. Maybe tonight would be the night he'd tell her how he really felt about her…

"So, what is a certain someone so happy skippy about?" Kendall asked as James practically came bounding into the apartment.

"Victoria." He said, dreamily, staring into space.

"Aw, our Little James is in love." Carlos said.

"Even her name sounds beautiful. Victoria. Vic-tor-ia." James spaced out her name, making it last.

"You have got to tell that girl you love her, and fast." Kendall said.

"I actually am, tonight. We are going to see the new Batman movie tonight at 8 and we're meeting in the lobby at 7. I will come back happy and with a new pretty girlfriend." James said going into the fridge and grabbing himself a bottle of Gatorade.

"Well good for James, he's getting another girlfriend." Logan said, taking a sip of his water.

"Logan, it's not like that. She's…different. I really like her, and I'm hoping this relationship will last. She's an amazing, kind, thoughtful, pretty…"

"Ok, let's move onto something else before he begins rambling again." Logan said. James gave him a smirk.

"Come on, guys, let James be in love." Kendall said. "Thank you, Kendall." James replied.

"What? It's not like he hasn't been in love before." Carlos said.

"Hey, like I said, Victoria is different. She's cute, smart, funny, kind, sweet, caring…"

"James is in love, James is in loooooove." Logan teased. The other guys laughed and joined in.

"Guys, knock it off." James said.

"James is in looooove, James is in loooooooooove." They continued.

"You guys are idiots." James laughed as he headed off to his room.

It was a few hours later, and James walked out of the bathroom, fixing his hair with his lucky comb. He smelled like Abercrombie and Fitch cologne.

"Well, someone seems ready for their date." Kendall said as James entered the room and the smell of the cologne filled the air.

"Oh Kendall, don't make him lose his confidence that he just seems to have to much of." Logan said. James smiled. "Shut up." He replied. He checked his watch.

"It's almost 7, I gotta go to the lobby NOW to meet Victoria. We're gonna be late for the movie." James said, now rushing.

"Have fun with your future wife, James." Carlos said, flicking through channels on the TV. James grinned. "Have fun with yours." James said, laughing. "Hey!" Kendall and Logan yelled, and James laughed as he quickly ran out of the room, closing the door quickly because pillows were then being chucked at him.

As he walked into the lobby he saw Victoria standing there, looking absolutely stunning in a red dress that went just a little below the knee.

"I didn't know if a dress was good for a movie theater." She said anxiously as James approached her.

"Nonsense." James said. "You look absolutely gorgeous to me."

Victoria blushed, her cheeks turning bright pink. James smiled. He loved that. "Should we go then?" She asked. "We shall." He said, and he took her by the hand and led her out of the building. That, right there, caused both of them to smile uncontrollably.

As they arrived at the theater and took their seats, Victoria holding a small bag of popcorn and James setting a drink in his cup holder, the previews started and the movie grew dark. "Just in time." James said.

"Thanks for taking me here." Victoria whispered. "It really does mean a lot to me."

"I wanted to, for a long time." James replied. Victoria looked at him, sort of confused and surprised.

"Really?"

"Why are you so surprised?"

"Well, it just seems that I could never get your attention, that I've wanted you to ask me out for a long time but you never did. I just thought you didn't think I was pretty or anything." Victoria answered.

"Now, why would you ever think that? It just so happens that I think you are the most beautiful and most amazing person I've ever looked at." James said, looking into her eyes.

Her eyes began to well up with tears.

"And Victoria?"

"Yes, James?"

"I love you."

Silence overtook them for a few moments as Victoria just stared forward. "You what?" She asked, looking back into his eyes.

"I said I love you, Victoria. And I have been in love with you for a very, very long time." He said, taking both of her hands in his.

She smiled, as a single teardrop rolled down her face. "James," She began, wiping her tear away, then looking into his eyes once again. "I love you too."

As confident and a ladies man as James was, he felt happy and a million butterflies released in his stomach at her words. But, in response, James placed his hand on her cheek, leaned forward and kissed her. To the both of them, it was like sparks flew.

When they pulled away, they just looked into each other's eyes.

That was when the movie started. As it began, nothing more needed to be said. James grabbed hold of Victoria's hand, threw his other arm around her, and she snuggled closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

* * *

James walked Victoria to her apartment on the floor above theirs.

"I had a really great time tonight." She said. They stood facing each other, holding hands.

"I did too." James replied. "We'll do it again another night. But you can hang out with me and the other guys tomorrow after work by the pool."

Victoria blushed. "I'd like that." She said. "But I really got to go to bed, get some sleep." She said.

"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow." He said. He placed his hands on her waist, pulled her in, and kissed her. "Goodnight." He said. As Victoria opened the door to her apartment, James began walking away. "Hey." He said as she almost closed her door.

"I love you."

Victoria blushed again and replied, "I love you too, James." Before shutting her door.

James walked happily back to the apartment.

As he opened the door and went inside, his friends were all sitting on the couch playing video games.

"Hey! How was Mr. Diamond's date?" Kendall asked, pausing the game.

"It was fun." James replied, the big grin very noticeable on his face. "But I really need to get some sleep."

As he began walking to his room, he stopped and turned around. "Oh, and by the way guys, my new girlfriend is going to be joining us at the pool tomorrow, just so you know." He said, smiling, and turned and headed off for his bedroom.

The other guys turned to each other and exchanged grins and high fives.

AS James got into his PJ's and settled down into his bed for the night, he smiled. He rested his head happily against the pillow, butterflies still in his stomach after what had just happened. The girl he had a crush on for so long was now his girlfriend. He told her he loved her, she told him she loved him, and they were together, they were finally together.

And James couldn't be happier.

**R.I.P to the people who died at the shooting :(**


	6. Kyle

**I am extremely sorry for updating on such short notice. But here's the next chapter! (I worked really hard on this one, haha! Sorry if it's a little longer than expected-I once got a review on one of my stories saying my chapters should be longer)**

**So anyway, enjoy the story! It's gonna start getting intense after the next few chapters ;)**

**And also BIG thank you to Akirealev697 for being so enthusiastic about my story ;)**

That next morning, he woke up happily, same as yesterday. Of course, Carlos was being moody again and was hiding underneath his blanket, a pillow slammed over his face. James grinned and decided he'd let the others worry about him.

Continuing his usual morning ritual, he ate breakfast, Carlos stumbling down the stairs, half asleep as always, went up to his room to get dressed, combed his hair, brushed his teeth, the usual. Before he went downstairs to leave for work he slipped on some of his fan-made bracelets. They were special to him.

He and the boys made their way out the apartment door, down the stairs, and into the lobby. Early in the morning, but there were still people there, talking and some laughing. The normal friendly feeling hung in the air.

Of course, Logan passed Camille in the lobby and he said hello and kissed her goodbye, Kendall and Carlos also waving hello to people, one other girl stopped James.

"Hi James!"

"Hey Julie!"

It was James' Worldwide Girl from the night before. She stood by the couch, looking excited, hands behind her back.

"How are you?" He asked, stopping to say hello.

"Oh, I'm great, thanks." She replied. She looked down at his wrists and the many colorful bracelets that were wrapped around them. "You're wearing the bracelet I gave you!" She said, smiling and a bit surprised.

"Yeah, it's really cool! Definitely one of my favorites, I love it." James replied. He smiled when he saw the huge grin spread across the girl's face.

"So, do you live here at the Palm Woods?"

"Mmm hmm." Julie replied, nodding. "We just moved in sort of recently, so that's why you haven't seen me around."

"Oh, well that's good, I'll be seeing you around then! But I've got to go to work now, I can talk to you sometime afterwards, ok? Bye, Julie!" He said. Julie grinned.

"Bye, James!" She then happily skipped away.

James smiled and shook his head and continued walking. "You're just like, a walking girl magnet, aren't you?" Kendall asked, laughing. James shrugged.

"Hey, it's not my fault girls find me quite magnetizing." James said, giving him "the face" to emphasize "magnetizing".

Before they walked out the doors of the Palm Woods, James was once again stopped with a, "Hey James".

It was Victoria.

"Hey, Victoria." He said, walking up to her and throwing his arms around her, giving her a small kiss. The guys behind him smiled.

"See you after work." She said. James grinned.

"I'll see you. Remember, we're still hanging out by the pool."

Victoria kissed him gently. "How could I forget?" James grinned and let go of her.

"Love you, and goodbye." He said.

Victoria waved as she turned and walked away, and James continued to walk forward to the car that was waiting outside. The guys behind him couldn't take it anymore.

"Someone's got a girlfriend." Carlos teased. James blushed just thinking about her. "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up." He grinned.

"Aw, let the boy be in love and leave him alone." Kendall said, smiling.

"Thank you, Kendall." James replied. Carlos and Logan grinned and rolled their eyes.

"Come on, if we're late Gustavo is gonna totally flip." Kendall said, and the boys laughed as they left the Palm Woods.

They arrived at Rocque Records only minutes later. Their car pulled away as they walked up to the building. They were talking the whole way up to the studio, Kendall, Carlos and Logan occasionally teasing James about Victoria. Each time he'd blush, laugh, and threaten to hit them.

The boys finally made it to the studio floor, talking and laughing as they walked down the hallway. "Oh come on, James! Let us tease you just a little bit!" Kendall laughed.

"No! You've done enough!" James laughed.

As they walked down the hallway, finally making it to the studio, they stopped in the hallway.

"Who's that?" Carlos asked.

Standing, back turned to them, was a tall person, wearing a grey beanie, brown hair poking out from it. This person turned around, greeting the boys with a smile.

"I'm Kyle."

He had dark brown hair, but most of it was covered up by the beanie. He had on an olive green t shirt and ripped jeans, and ablack dog tag necklace around his neck.

"Um, ok, I'm Kendall, that's Carlos, that's Logan, and this is James." Kendall said, patting his friend on the shoulder.

"He's also in love." Carlos said, grinning and grabbing James' shoulder.

James grinned, but then elbowed Carlos' side, causing the smaller boy to cry out in pain. "Stop it!" He said.

Kyle laughed. "It's ok, dude, it happens to all of us at least once." He replied.

"So, not to be rude, but why are you here?" Logan asked.

"Well, Gustavo just signed me. Today is my first day recording with him, well first day recording PERIOD, actually." Kyle answered.

"I signed Kyle because I think that it's time for a new solo act, not a boy band." Gustavo said, he and Kelly coming up behind Kyle. At first, BTR started to get really worried, in fear he was going to fire them. But Kelly, noticing the worried looks on the boys' faces, spoke up.

"Griffin wants some new talent and requested a solo singer. Don't worry boys, your career is far from being over, Kyle isn't going to be with us forever. Basically we are going to train him here and we want you to help." Kelly said.

"Yeah. And plus, I would never want to take you guys' job. I mean, I've heard your music, it's pretty amazing." Kyle said.

The boys breathed a sigh of relief.

"Don't worry, I'm not as good as you guys, you're way beyond what I am capable of." Kyle said.

"So, how are we supposed to 'train' him?" James asked.

"You basically just teach him how everything works around here, what his schedule will be like, what's it like performing, how to work when in the studio, everything. We figured since you guys have experience, you can teach him all about it." Kelly answered.

"And so I didn't have to do it." Gustavo said. Kelly rolled her eyes.

"You boys get associated with each other, GET ALONG, and we'll be right back. Show Kyle around the studio." Gustavo said, and he and Kelly walked away, leaving the 5 boys alone.

"So, Kyle, should we show you around the studio now?" James asked.

"Sure, let's go." Kyle replied.

Kyle followed BTR around the studio, them pointing out different things and telling Kyle what it will be like on a normal day at the studio.

"And watch out for Gustavo's attitude, because he can be a little, uh…"

"Grouchy." Carlos said, finishing Logan's sentence.

"I've noticed." Kyle replied.

"But don't worry, you'll fit right in." James said, patting Kyle on the back.

"Ha, thanks James, I'll try." He replied, smiling at James.

"So, Kyle, are you staying at the Palm Woods?" Kendall asked.

"Actually, yes, I was officially moved in earlier this morning." Kyle answered.

"Oh, so that's cool then. We can all hang out, show you around the Palm Woods, introduce you to the kids there." James said.

"Yeah, yeah I'd like that." Kyle answered, smiling.

"Cool, we're looking forward to it." Kendall said.

"So, Kyle, are you any good at singing? Carlos asked.

Kyle shrugged his shoulders, hands in his pockets. "I guess so, but I'm seriously not as good as you guys are, I mean, I've heard you guys sing before and you're amazing." He said.

"Thanks." The four boys said all at once. All five of them were stopped in the middle of a hallway by a conference room, just talking.

"Well we'd like to hear you sing sometime, who knows, maybe you'll be _almost _as good as us." Kendall joked. They all laughed.

"Well, I guess I'm gonna sing,"

"DOGS!" Gustavo yelled from all the way across the building.

"Right now." Kyle finished, and all five of them walked together, Kyle and James walking side by side, talking and laughing like they were good friends already.

"Ok, Dogs, we're going to get Kyle in the studio and see how good he is at rocking some BTR songs." Gustavo said. All the boys nodded and stood outside the studio with Gustavo as Kyle got ready inside.

"Kyle, ready to tackle Show Me?" Gustavo asked through the mic.

"Yeah, I'm ready." Kyle replied.

"Just remember Kyle, these will only be little demos so we know where your voice fits and maybe post some of them to get you started." Kelly said.

"Sure thing." Kyle said.

"Ok Kyle, so are you ready?" Gustavo asked.

Kyle gave him a thumbs up, and the boys watched as Gustavo turned on the music, and Kyle began to sing.

_Guys like me, like girls like you_

_And girls like you, like guys like me_

_I blaze the night in harbor lights_

_You dressin' light, it's fittin right_

_I hear the waves, I see you wave_

_I'm staying put, you say no way_

He was excellent. When he started singing, Kendall, James, Carlos and Logan were all amazed. His voice sounded perfect and fit right into the song. "He's really good." Carlos said as he sang.

"Yeah, he is." James replied. He crossed his arms and watched as Kyle sang, him getting into the singing and pouring his heart out, like he often did. He was also really nice, and seemed really cool to hang out with. Maybe he and this boy could be good friends.

_So-oh-oh show me_

_La la la, la la la la la la_

_La la la la la la_

_La la la la la la_

Kendall, James, Carlos and Logan clapped as he finished the song. Gustavo turned off the music. Kyle took off his head phones and exited to booth.

"How was that?" He asked, walking over to Gustavo.

"That was fantastic! Great work, Kyle!" Kelly said as Gustavo talked to one of the mixers sitting next to him.

"You have some serious talent, dude! NICE work!" Kendall said, walking up to Kyle and giving him a high five.

"Yeah, that was some sick singing!" Carlos said.

"You really think so? I mean, I'm not THAT great." Kyle said, putting his hands in his pockets.

"No, dude, you are wrong. That was some serious singing there, great work." James said. Kyle smiled.

"Thanks, James." He said.

"Great work Kyle, we will practice some more later on. Dogs, now you hit the booth." Gustavo said, and they agreed and assumed their usual positions. After they seemed like they were ready to go, Kelly asked,

"You guys ready? We're going to begin to record Epic, we will start now and record backgrounds later, then later on in the week we'll work on Intermission, alright?"

The guys nodded, and Kelly nodded her head, understanding. She told something to Gustavo, and then Gustavo started the music. Instantly, the boys began singing.

_This one is for the ladies_

_They're lookin' so amazing_

_Let's get crazy_

_ain't nothin' gonna save me_

_Make this an epic night_

_Make this an epic night_

After the boys sang the beginning, it was James' turn to take the first solo.

_Turn down the lights_

_Turn up the music_

_You've been waitin' all week to let it out_

_Your peace of mind_

_Go ahead and lose it_

_Don't need no gravity_

_We're going down_

Kyle sort of studied them, but mostly James. Like he watched the way he moved, the face he made when he sang, the way his voice perfectly sang each and every lyric. James didn't think anything of it, nor did he really notice anything unusual. Kyle was learning, he was there to learn from them and become a hopefully successful singer.

He seemed to really admire James, along with the rest of the guys. James smiled at Kyle during their song. He seemed like a really cool person, James thought. 'I think me and him could become close friends.'


	7. Quality Time

**Hey guys! So I am like ridiculously sorry for not updating in like, forever. But there's been a lot on my mind, and the fact I started high school, so things are pretty tough, but I'm starting to write A LOT more!**

**I'll be updating more often, so thanks for being patient! And I'm trying to write longer chapters to get to the angst faster! Because trust me, this story will have you in an emotional train wreck eventually ;)**

**So thanks for reading and don't worry! The angst is actually coming REALLY soon! Try to find out where the angst is somewhat hinted at in this chapter, hehe;) lol enjoy!**

After a long day at work, the boys were very tired and were ready to go home. "Remember guys, we work on Intermission later on in the week." Kelly said, and the boys agreed and walked with Kyle out of the building.

"So, Kyle, where are you from?" Kendall asked as they all got into the car waiting out there for them.

"Well, I was born in Michigan, but I moved to Colorado when I was almost 2 months old. Lived there for 15 years until my family moved here to L.A. I've been living here with my family for about two years, and the Palm Woods is now the first official place I am living on my own. It's kinda nice." Kyle said, giving a laugh at the end.

"Well, we'll get along great then." Carlos said, throwing his arm over Kyle's shoulder.

"I'm sure!" Kyle replied, giving Carlos a high five.

They soon reached the Palm Woods. They were so looking forward to hanging out by the pool.

"Well, I don't know about you guys but I am BEAT." Logan said, yawning as they walked through the front doors of the Palm Woods.

"Ugh, I know, me too." James said, yawning and stretching his arms.

"Will it always be this tiring?" Kyle asked.

"YES." The other four answered in unison.

As they were walking through the lobby, they caught up with Jo and Camille.

"Hey." They both said. Logan placed his hips on Camille's waist and kissed her lips, and Kendall did the same for Jo.

"Hey." They said, then looked at Kyle. "Who's that?"

"Oh, guys, this is Kyle." Kendall said.

"Hey." He said.

"Wow, so are you gonna like, be singing at Roque Records now?" Camille asked him.

"Yeah, but only for a little while. BTR is gonna help me out until Gustavo can sign me somewhere." Kyle answered.

"Are you any good at it?" Jo asked.

"Well, I'm not…"

"He's AMAZING, trust me." James interrupted Kyle. Kyle grinned.

"Well, I'm not the best, I'm no Big Time Rush, but I guess I'm ok. I hate bragging."

"He really is good. You should hear this guy sing!" Carlos said, throwing his arm around Kyle.

"Ok, thanks guys." He laughed.

"Well, we'll see you at the pool in a few minutes, ok?" Logan said to Camille. She smiled and kissed his nose. "Got you."

Kendall and Logan kissed their girlfriends goodbye, while the other three started walking away, James and Carlos laughing and shaking their heads.

"Awww, come on, James, don't tell me you wouldn't do that with your girlfriend!" Carlos laughed. James blushed.

"Shut up!"

"Oh yeah, what is your girlfriend's name?" Kyle asked, grinning.

"Victoria, her name is Victoria." James said, closing his eyes and smiling momentarily. Just thinking about her made him happy.

"Don't even get him started. They just started dating and he's completely in love." Carlos said. "And you'll see her in her bathing suit today, James. Your new girlfriend, by the pool, in a bikini…"

"Carlos, knock it off!"

James tried to make it seem like he wasn't going to laugh. He failed.

"Aww, come on James, I won't tease you." Kyle said. Even he was laughing a little bit though.

"Thank you." James replied proudly.

"So Kyle, you are coming to the pool with us, right?" Carlos asked as they entered the elevator.

"Um, I guess so. Sounds like fun." He said, sticking his hands in his pockets as Carlos pressed the 'up' button.

"WAIT!" Two voices screamed.

Two girls mad a mad dash for the elevator. Just before the doors closed, they made it inside.

"Hey James." The one girl said, the other girl just giggled. But then they saw Kyle. "Who's this?" They asked.

"Kyle. He just moved in and he's going to be recording at Rocque Records with us for a little while." James said, placing his hands on Kyle's shoulders. The girls giggled some more.

"So I guess we'll be seeing you around then, You'll have to sing for us sometime." They said, giggling as the elevator opened up on the second floor. "Bye James, bye Carlos, bye Kyle." They said, giggling at Kyle's name and dashing out of the elevator. The doors closed, leaving the three boys alone.

"Looks like you've got some fans already." Carlos laughed.

"I guess so." Kyle said.

The doors opened up to the third floor, and James and Carlos followed Kyle to his apartment.

"So we'll meet you at the pool then?" James said as they walked down the hallway.

"Yepp, sounds good." Kyle replied. But while they were all going towards Kyle's apartment, a voice stopped them.

"James,"

"Hey Victoria." James said, a big smile spreading across his face.

Victoria threw her arms around him and kissed him, James wrapping his strong arms around her tiny waist and kissing her back.

"I missed you." She said.

"I missed you too."

"I was just going to meet you down by the pool." She said. She turned to Kyle. "Who's this?" She asked.

"I'm Kyle." Kyle said.

"Hey." She said. "I'm Victoria."

"So you're the girl James won't stop talking about?" Kyle said.

"Kyle!"

"I'm sorry, dude, I can't help it." Kyle said, Carlos joining him as he burst out laughing.

James' face turned a little red, but Victoria just laughed. "You're so cute." She said, kissing his cheek. "I'll meet you down by the pool." She said, giggling as she walked away. James dreamily stared after her until she was out of sight. He turned around and Carlos and Kyle were almost on the floor laughing. Their faces were so red from laughter they looked like they were about to cry.

"Ok, guys, let's just go to the pool." James said, crossing his arms. It took Carlos and Kyle another minute to gain some self control.

"Ok, so we'll meet you down at the pool in a few minutes?" Carlos asked Kyle.

"You sure will." He replied.

"Great! See you there." James said.

They started heading down towards their own apartment, Carlos still laughing as they, well, James, followed Victoria's fresh perfume scent.

"Having Kyle around is going to be too much fun." Carlos laughed.

"Yeah, it sure is." James said, trying to hide his laughter.

They were all down by the pool.

Camille was sitting on Logan's lap, Jo sitting on Kendall's lap, Victoria was snuggled up next to James, and Carlos sat all alone pouting.

"I need a girlfriend." He whined.

"Don't worry, Carlos, your day will come." Victoria said, patting his hands.

"Yeah, thanks."

"Hey guys."

A voice interrupted them. It was Kyle.

"Hey Kyle! Come sit with us." James said, motioning to the seat next to Carlos.

As Kyle sat down, some girls stared, pointed, and giggled to each other. Kyle just blushed.

"Kyle's been here for how long and he's already popular." Camille laughed.

"Hey, I can't help it I'm too amazing." Kyle joked.

"I like him already." James laughed. Victoria laughed and hit his shoulder.

As girls walked past them, they all looked at Kyle and giggled and whispered to each other. Kyle blushed and flipped his hair, then parting it to the side.

"Can we go swimming now, it's hooooooottttttttt." Carlos whined, throwing his head back.

"Yeah, let's go." Jo said.

"Ugh, fine, alright, we'll go." Kendall said. Everyone cheered as they all stood up, removing their shirts to reveal bathing suits and swim trunks underneath. James was amazed when he saw Victoria lift her shirt over her body, revealing a cute yellow bikini with little rainbow stripes on it. He felt a million butterflies in his stomach.

Kendall had to hit him with a towel to snap him out of it. "Earth to James, let's go." He said. Victoria giggled and kissed his cheek. James grinned and grabbed his own towel.

Kyle took his shirt off and threw it on his chair. Almost every girl stopped and turned their head. "Wow." You could hear some girls saying. The girls were so amazed and had their eyes glued to Kyle's abs.

"Someone's been working out." James commented. Kyle shrugged. "I do my best." He said.

"Me too."

"Awww, James, you look wonderful." Victoria said, patting his hard chest. James grinned and kissed her.

"Ok, we're jumping in without you!" Carlos said, and you could hear big splashes as Kendall, Carlos, Logan, Camille and Jo all jumped into the pool.

Kyle followed them, then James and Victoria, James keeping his arm around her as they hit the water together.

As they all resurfaced, they laughed. Kyle shook his wet hair into place as James ran his hand through his own hair. Even in the pool, you could still hear girls whispering and giggling about Kyle.

"Oh my God he's so hot!"

"Dang! He's got some serious body muscles!"

"Oh God, I love this boy already!"

"I'm going to love living here." Kyle said, laughing. James laughed.

"You'll fit right in."

Their day at the pool was a blast. They were there the rest of the day. They all talked and laughed and had a great time. And everyone loved Kyle. He got along great with everyone. And when you stood James and Kyle next to each other, it was like there was some sort of resemblance between them. They laughed a like, flipped their hair the same way, and all the girls were going crazy. So it was a pretty fun day for the two boys. And James was also happy because he spent the entire day with Victoria, too. Which, of course, everyone teased him for that.

When they were all done at the pool, and it was growing darker out, they all decided to head back to their apartments. Big Time Rush, and Kyle, had a lot of work to do the next day. As they all dried off and said goodbye to their friends, Victoria shivered.

"What's wring?" James asked her.

"It's really cold! And I forgot my towel." She said, her teeth beginning to clatter.

James quickly took his towel and wrapped it tightly around her. "Feel any better?" He asked, squeezing her in a hug.

Victoria giggled. "Much better." She said, and she inched closer to him. James grinned and kissed the top of her head.

"Let's head back. I'm cold, and it's getting late. And we gotta get up early tomorrow." Logan said.

"Alright, let's move out." Kendall said, and the whole gang started to head back to their apartment, James wrapping Victoria tightly in his arms as they walked towards the elevator.

"You two are like obsessed with each other, aren't you?" Kendall laughed.

"It's called being in love, Kendall, leave them alone." Jo laughed. James and Victoria laughed.

"Thanks Jo." James said.

"In my opinion James is right now being a hopeless romantic." Kendall replied.

James shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? She's absolutely the sweetest and most amazing person I've ever met." James said, kissing her cheek.

"Awww, that's so sweet." Kyle said.

"I'm gonna gag." Kendall said.

James and Victoria rolled their eyes and smiled as everyone piled onto the elevator. You could hear girls whispering and giggling and see the surprised and shocked looks on their faces when he walked past with no shirt on.

"Oh my God! That boy is ridiculously hot!" One girl said to her friend as they saw everyone get onto the elevator.

"Oh my God, you're right! Who is he? What's his name?" The other girl replied, beginning to somewhat fangirl and freak out. Kyle sort of blushed.

"Awww, you'll get used to it." James said, patting Kyle on the back as the elevator doors shut.

"If that's what comes with being a pop star, then I'm ready." Kyle said, and everyone laughed.

The elevator let off at the second floor, and everyone got off but Kyle, Victoria and James.

"James, aren't you coming?" Kendall asked, noticing he still remained inside the elevator.

"Nah, I'll catch up with you guys. I'm walking Victoria to her apartment." James replied.

"You're such a hopeless romantic, James!" Kendall replied, trying to yell through the shutting elevator doors. The three inside the elevator chuckled.

They got off at the third floor, but Victoria and Kyle's apartments are on opposite sides of the hallway, so they all said goodbye at the elevator.

"Hey, James, today was awesome, thanks for showing me around. I had a pretty good day today." Kyle said, smiling.

"No problem, dude. I'm glad you enjoyed it. You'll fit right in around here." James replied. Kyle grinned.

"Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow morning." Kyle said, and he turned around and walked towards his apartment. James then walked Victoria towards her apartment, his arm wrapped tightly around her.

When they reached her apartment door, she turned to him. "Thanks for a fun day, James. I loved it." She said.

James grinned. "You're welcome, Victoria. We'll have to have more of those days." He said. She giggled. James grinned again. He loved her laugh so much, it sounded cute to him.

"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow, Victoria." James said, and he placed his hands on his waist and kissed her. But after their lips released, Victoria had a confused look.

"James, can I ask you a question?" Victoria asked.

James gave her a confused look. "Yeah, what is it? Is something wrong?" James asked her.

"What? Oh, no, nothing like that. I was just wondering, does it make you a little upset that Kyle got a lot of attention today?" Victoria asked him. A puzzled look came across James' face, yet again.

"What? No, what do you mean?" James asked.

"Oh, nothing. I just wondered if it made you a little upset Kyle got some attention today. It was just a thought, I'm sorry. I worry about you and don't want you to be upset in any way." Victoria said. James smiled.

"I know what you mean." He told her. "And no, everything is ok. Me and Kyle get along pretty well."

"Well I'm glad." Victoria said. She leaned up and kissed his cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow." And she turned around and went into her apartment. James then turned around and left, a big smile spread across his face.

But as he headed down to his own apartment, he couldn't help but think about the words that Victoria said. No, he wasn't mad or anything that Kyle got some attention today. He's new, and he's pretty cool, James thought, so he's bound to get some sort of recognition. And besides, how could James possibly be jealous when he had the most beautiful girl in the word on his arm? Not at all, he thought. Not at all.

James walked down the somewhat silent hallways, fairly happy about his day. He had some fun with his friends, spent the day with his girlfriend, and spent the day with his new friend. He smiled. Life is pretty good, James thought.

Life is pretty good.


	8. Jealous

**Ok, so this is like a REALLY long chapter. The angst starts right here though and it's increasing;) The next few chapters are growing pretty intense hehe :) enjoy!**

After a pretty good night's sleep, the boys were ready for work the next morning. James got out of bed happy and cheery as usual, and Carlos was basically the same. After they all got dressed, they started heading down to the lobby.

They saw Julie coming down the second floor hallway when they exited their apartment.

"Hey James!" Julie said, waving.

"Hey Julie." James said with a smile, and he gave her a hug.

Both of them walked away smiling.

"It's gotta be fun being you, doesn't it?" Kendall asked.

James grinned. "Yepp, it sure is." He said. They all got on the elevator and headed down to the lobby. Carlos and Logan yawned.

"It's too early to go to work." Carlos said, groggily, and he lied his head on Logan's shoulder.

"I know, Carlos, I know." Logan replied, patting the tired boy's head. James and Kendall grinned and shook their heads.

When the elevator opened up to the lobby, James noticed Victoria was waiting on the other side, waiting for him. He grinned and happily walked over to her.

"How is that boy so cheery every morning?" Carlos groaned, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

"I don't know, Carlos. I just don't know." Logan said, patting the poor boy's back. Logan and Kendall grinned and shook their heads as the three of them headed for James.

"Have fun at work." Victoria said, kissing James' cheek. James grinned.

"I'll see you when I get back, ok?" James said.

"I'll be waiting right here for you." She said.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Ok, let's go!" Kendall said, he and Logan laughing as they grabbed the back of James' shirt and started to drag him away.

"Bye Victoria!" Kendall and Logan shouted over their shoulders as they dragged James out of the Palm Woods. Victoria laughed and shook her head.

"Nice, yeah, real mature you guys." James said as they all piled into the car. He frowned and crossed his arms.

"Well, James, we have to go to work and sadly you can't bring Victoria with you." Logan said.

James rolled his eyes. "Well, I'm aloud to say goodbye to my girlfriend if I want to." He said.

But before Kendall or Logan could protest, Carlos looked around and said, "Wait, where's Kyle?"

Everyone suddenly stopped arguing and realized Kyle wasn't there. The car started to pull away until they yelled, "STOP! Kyle's not here!"

"Oh, wait, there he is." Kendall said, pointing out the window. Kyle came running out of the Palm Woods as fast as he could, and came to a skidding stop at the car.

Once he was inside, the car finally pulled away.

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." Kyle said, calming down his breathing from his run.

"It's ok. You were running really fast though!" Carlos said.

Kyle laughed. "Well, I didn't want to be late my second day of work."

"You're fine, though. So, you excited to finally be working today?" James asked.

Kyle nodded and grinned. "Totally! I seriously can't wait for this, it's my dream coming true." He said.

James grinned. "That's good. You'll have girls chasing after you in no time at all." Kyle laughed.

"I can't wait." He said.

Once they were finally at Rocque Records, all 5 boys got out of the car and went inside to the studio. They took about 3 steps on the studio floor when like 5 girls came running out of nowhere up to Kyle.

"You're Kyle, right?" One girl asked, all of them really excited.

Kyle gave a confused look. "Yeah, yeah I am." He said.

"Well you're SUCH an amazing singer! You covered Big Time Rush's song so well!" One of the girls said. Kyle gave a confused chuckle.

"Umm, thanks." He said. All of the boys were very confused.

"Well, bye!" The one girl said, and all of them left except for one.

"I love you so much." She whispered to him, before running off with the other girls. Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan and Kyle all gave each other weird and confused looks.

"Umm, what was that? Where'd that come from?" Kyle asked.

Everyone shrugged until Gustavo and Kelly came around the corner of the studio.

"Those, Kyle, were your first fans." Kelly said, smiling, as they walked towards the boys.

"But how did they get to listen to my cover of Show Me?" Kyle asked.

"I uploaded your cover on our website last night. Already has 4,000 views and so many people asking for you to do more." Gustavo said. Everyone was amazed.

"Wow, really? That many? And people really want me to sing more?" Kyle asked, very happy and somewhat excited.

"Exactly. Which means you're going to be in the studio a lot more and you can officially be on the record label." Gustavo said.

Kyle grinned really wide. "That's just fantastic!" He said. He really looked like he wanted to cheer, jump up and down, and celebrate in any way he possibly could.

"So let's get you in the studio right now and start recording some covers of songs. Then, maybe sometime next week, you can start singing your own songs. Because we'll need to start right away if you're going to officially be signed." Kelly said.

Kyle's grin got even bigger. "I'd love that!" He said.

"Then get into the studio!" Gustavo said, and everyone followed him towards the studio, Kyle so cheerful. James grinned and shook his head as Kyle took his place inside the studio.

"You'll be singing Till I Forget About You, alright?" Kelly asked him, making sure he was ready.

"Yepp." Kyle answered.

"Ok, then, here we go." Gustavo said. He pressed a button and the music began playing. Big Time Rush watched as Kyle began singing once more. They watched in satisfaction and were very surprised by how well he was doing.

_Get a call on a random afternoon_

_I pick it up and I see that it's you_

_Like my heart you were breaking the news, you say_

_It's over, it's over, it's over_

Almost instantly, those five girls plus a few more came running out of no where again and up to the studio.

"He's singing more Big Time Rush songs?!" The same young, perky brunette girl asked. Gustavo nodded.

The girl turned to Big Time Rush and excitedly said, "That's AMAZING!" She energetically turned around and the four boys smiled. Kyle grinned at all the young girls watching, and he even blushed a little bit. It wouldn't be long before he would be performing in front of thousands of girls, for sure.

After singing his heart out the entire song, Kyle received cheers from all the young girls watching. He grinned as he stepped out of the recording booth. "How was that?" He asked Gustavo as he came out.

"Amazing!"

"Spectacular!"

"Probably the best thing I've ever listened to!"

Kyle received different answers from each girl, and he had to blush at each one of them. He was definitely not used to this, but he really liked it. The perky brunette girl ran up to him and gave him a tight hug.

"I love you so much!" She said happily. Kyle gave a little laugh and gently hugged her back.

"Thank you so much." He said to her.

"Ok, girls, it's time to leave." Kelly said.

"Do we have to?!" They all said.

"FREIGHT TRAIN!" Gustavo shouted.

Freight Train came out of the hallway behind Kyle and immediately all of the girls ran away, the brunette girl saying, "Call me!" as she left. Kyle laughed.

"That was…interesting." He said.

"Well, get used to it, because that's going to be all day, everyday soon." Carlos said, throwing an arm around his friend's shoulder. Kyle grinned and shook his head.

"Must be fun, isn't it?" He asked.

"Most fun we've ever had." James replied.

"Ok, Kyle, why don't you go back into the booth and try the song one more time?" Kelly said. Kyle nodded and went back. Again, he performed the song with incredible ease, never missing a note. Gustavo was of course very pleased. And during the middle of the song, Griffin came to observe his progress. Even with the CEO watching him, Kyle wasn't nervous or anything, he still sang flawlessly.

"So this is the boy you were sent?" Griffin asked. Gustavo nodded and they all continued to watch Kyle sing the song. Griffin nodded his head. "I like him. Make this song downloadable tonight. I think he's going to bring this company lots of money real soon." Griffin said.

Only a day into the Hollywood life and Kyle was already getting signed, had his first downloadable song, had fans, and was getting pretty well known. He was skyrocketing really fast.

James couldn't be happier for his new friend.

It was then the other boys' turn to take the studio. They got themselves all ready and then Kelly asked them, "You buys ready?" They all nodded and began recording a special version of "No Idea".

It was back at the Palm Woods. Another long and stressful day, but it was worth it because now the guys had a few days off work. They were so relieved and were practically rejoicing by the time they got back.

"I'm totally sleeping in tomorrow. Until, like, four." Carlos said as they walked into the Palm Woods.

"Same here." A tired Kendall replied.

"Me three." Logan said.

"That makes four." James sighed.

"Only my second day of work and already this is tiring." Kyle said, cracking his back and knuckles. Even he was exhausted.

"Oh well, everything should be good from now on. A few days off work is exactly what we need." Carlos said.

"Why is Gustavo giving us a few days off work?" Kyle asked.

"He has to attend some special meeting outside L.A for some reason. I don't know why and honestly I don't care, all I know is this is my sleeping time. I'm so tired I could sleep for days." Carlos said, yawning.

"That's exactly how I feel." James said, yawning. "I need my beauty sleep. It takes a lot to make this look good." James said.

"You don't need beauty sleep, James, you're already beautiful to me." Victoria said, walking up to him.

"Hey beautiful." He said, throwing his arms around her and giving her a kiss.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too."

"Hey, I'm really tired right now, it's been such a long day and I'm completely exhausted, but I promise we'll do something together tomorrow, ok? I'll spend all my time off work with you if I have to." James said.

Victoria smiled. "Ok, that sounds fine. Get some sleep, I'll see you tomorrow." She said. The two kissed and separated, James leaving with the other four.

"James is in love, James is in looooove." Carlos teased as they walked away.

"I thought we stopped this?" James said.

Kyle laughed and patted James on the back. "Don't worry, dude, it's ok with me. Be in love all you want. And you deserve to be in love, Victoria is the prettiest girl I've ever seen."

James grinned. "Thanks, man." He said, the smile still on his face. He turned to the other guys. "I have Kyle on my side!"

"Just because he's your friend. Come on, you got to admit it's kind of funny seeing James Diamond infatuated with a girl." Logan said.

"Like that's never happened before." Kendall said.

"Hey! Not funny. Victoria is different, I really do love her…" James started, but Kendall stopped him.

"I know, I know, she's beautiful, sweet, kind, intelligent, amazing, perfect, beyond incredible…I could recite every word of that story." He replied. James rolled his eyes.

As everyone headed back up to their own apartments, two girls on the second floor were walking past the elevators./ They grinned and waved to Kyle. "Hey Kyle!" They said. "You're a really amazing singer!"

Kyle blushed. "Thank you so much." He said. The girls walked away and everyone except Kyle stepped off the elevator.

"Goodnight, dude." Carlos laughed. Kyle laughed and said thanks before the elevator doors shut and BTR started towards their own apartment.

That night, while James was lying in bed, he couldn't help but keep thinking back to what Victoria said about him being jealous of Kyle. He could never be jealous of Kyle. Kyle was a really nice person, and very talented. Plus, he even said himself he was no Big Time Rush, and would never want to steal their spotlight. James believed him, but he couldn't shake that feeling, and he couldn't stop hearing Victoria's words throughout his head.

Could James be jealous?

The next day, Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan and Victoria were sitting by the pool. Victoria was sitting on James' lap and Carlos was lying back in his chair, a smoothie in his hand.

"I am so enjoying this." He said, taking a sip of his smoothie.

"Agreed. A few days off is exactly what we needed." Logan said, throwing his head back. James nodded.

"I'm getting so tired of Gustavo lately." He said. "It seems he's coming after me the most recently."

"Aww, James, well at least now you can relax for a few days. This outta take some stress of your shoulders." Victoria said. James grinned.

"Thanks, Vicki." He said, squeezing her hand. At that moment, Kyle came walking out of the lobby and towards them.

"Hey." He said.

"Hey Kyle." They all said.

Kyle took a seat next to Kendall. He stretched and yawned, his back cracking as he leaned back. "You have no idea how tired I am." He said.

"Us too." Logan said.

"How do you put up with that EVERY DAY?" Kyle asked.

"It's not easy but trust me, you'll eventually get used to it. It may take some time, but you'll be fine with it soon." Kendall replied. Kyle nodded and everyone sat there in silence for a few moments. Logan was bored, so he took out his iPad and started scrolling on it.

"So Kyle, how are you liking the Palm Woods so far?" Victoria asked.

Kyle grinned. "I love it. Coming here was definitely the best decision I ever made." He replied.

"Woah, Kyle!" Logan said, instantly leaning forward, a surprised look on his face as he looked at his iPad screen.

"What, what is it?" Kyle asked. Everyone leaned forward to see what Logan was so surprised at.

"Your cover of 'Till I Forget About You already has 15,000 downloads!" Logan said. He turned his iPad so everyone could see. Kyle was absolutely astonished.

"You're kidding me? Already that many? But it was only uploaded last night!" Kyle said, leaning in closer to get a closer look at the iPad screen.

"Nope, not kidding, it's right there. And look at all these positive comments and ratings your getting." Logan said, scrolling through them all. He haded the iPad to Kyle so he could take a good look. A big grin spread across the boy's face.

"This is incredible!" He said, almost laughing. He scrolled through all the positive comments, grinning even wider at each one. Carlos and Kendall leaned over his shoulder to read too.

But James didn't seemed as pleased as everyone else. "James, what's the matter?" Victoria asked, noticing the look on James' face. James looked at her.

"What? Nothing's wrong, I'm fine. Why do you ask?" he asked her.

Victoria turned to face him a little better. "Because you seem a little down. Are you feeling ok? You seem upset." Victoria said.

James smiled. "No, I'm ok. Thanks for worrying though." He said. Victoria smiled and leant down to kiss him.

"Ok, James. Just let me know if anything really is bothering you, ok?" Victoria said. James nodded.

"Will do."

Everyone turned back to focus their attention on Kyle. They were all smiling, congratulating Kyle on his 15,000 downloads and the number increasing rapidly. But James wasn't smiling. Truthfully, deep down inside, he was hurting. He was actually starting to grow a little jealous of Kyle…

"I'm sorry, I need to leave for a second." James said. Victoria, slightly confused, stood up and James took off. But no one noticed. They were all focused on Kyle, scrolling through all the comments and watching the downloads increase. Victoria stood there, very confused at this point, and watched James disappear into the lobby.

She looked at everyone surrounding Kyle at the iPad, Kendall pointing out yet another positive comment, then back in the direction James had went. Victoria chased after him.

She looked everywhere for him. She checked the lobby and even the gym, but he wasn't there. Finally, she went up to 2J. As she opened the door, she found James leaning against the window, head in his hands, watching the pool area below. Victoria sighed.

"Everything ok?" She asked. James just nodded. Victoria walked over to James and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You wanna talk about it? What's the matter?"

"I don't know." James simply replied.

"I don't believe you." Victoria said.

James sighed. "I don't know, honestly. I guess I'm just a little…"

"Jealous?" Victoria finished for him.

James sighed once more. "I don't know, maybe. But how can I be jealous? I mean, he's my friend, and he deserves all the fame he's getting. I just…I don't know how to feel right now." James said, watching everyone have fun below him.

Victoria wrapped her arms around him. "It's ok to feel jealous, James. I mean, maybe you are. Sure, he's your new friend, and it's ok to be jealous. You're just not used to someone else getting attention because you guys are always on top. It's a natural feeling, trust me. Just watch, the feeling will go away in a few days, I promise. And plus, Kyle is just getting started. He's just really excited because people really do like him. You know you felt that way when you first got started." Victoria said.

James smiled and grabbed her hands. "Thank you Victoria." He said, pulling her hands up to his lips to kiss them. She giggled.

"Now, what do you want to do? You want to go back down to the pool?" She asked him.

James nodded. "I think so." He said. He turned around, took Victoria's hand, and the two walked back down to the pool together.

James felt fine after that. Kyle kept reading through all the comments, and an overjoyed look came across his face at one point during the day. "The song already has 21,000 downloads!" He said, wanting to scream. "This is…just BEYOND incredible. I can't believe this." He said. Kendall patted him on the back.

"Welcome to being famous, Kyle. That's going to be all day, every day now." Kendall said. Kyle grinned.

"Why don't we all go swimming for a little bit? I think we need to have some fun on you guys' day off." Victoria said, looking at James. James grinned.

"Great idea!" Carlos said.

"Bet I can beat you…" Logan began, but there was already a large splash and the sound of Carlos' laughter filled the area.

"…into the pool…" Logan finished. Carlos laughed wildly as he resurfaced.

"Come on in, guys!" He shouted, motioning for them to jump in the water. Everyone removed their clothes to reveal bathing suits underneath, and jumped into the pool with Carlos.

That definitely took some of the stress going on in James' mind. He started to think Victoria was right. Maybe he really just wasn't used to having someone new get all the attention. Maybe Victoria was right, and he was just a little stressed and that's why he was feeling that way. He didn't care, though, because at the moment he was laughing and having fun.

But there was one point during the day when Kyle got out of the pool, and every girl in the area stopped and stared at him.

"Oh my God, look at his body." One girl said to her friend.

"Damn! That guys is amazing!" Another girl said.

All these whispers and comments were coming from every single girl at the pool. Kyle grinned as he walked past every girl, but James wasn't feeling the love that Kyle was.

He was actually a little angry.

"James," Victoria said, noticing the look on his face. "James, you feeling ok?" She asked. James took a deep breath.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." He replied.

"You sure?" Victoria asked, doubtfully.

"Yeah, yeah I'm sure." He said, not looking at her. He started to sound a little sad, even. Victoria threw her arms around him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. James grinned and picked her up in his arms, earning a little squeal from her.

"I'll throw you." He said, grinning. Victoria laughed and pleaded with him not to, but he pretended to, earning another little scream from her, and more laughter. James grinned and laughed with her. He was now feeling a little happier, spending time with Victoria. She always made his day better, and she did a good job at it.

But even amongst all the laughter and fun the two were having, James looked up at Kyle, and all of the girls that were still gawking at him, and a hint of jealousy arose in his stomach again…

When the day was done, everyone decided to start heading back to their apartments.

"Hey Kyle, you wanna come to our apartment and hang out for a little bit?" Carlos asked as they dried themselves off.

"Yeah, that would actually be really great." Kyle answered, shaking his hair to dry it out. You could hear several girls squealing over how "wonderful his hair looked" and "how sexy that is!" and you could even hear a few girls quoting the One Direction song, some singing, "the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed." Kyle grinned at every compliment he heard.

"I'm going to love living here." He said, smiling, as they all left the pool area towards apartment 2J.

"You already fit right in." Kendall laughed, and they all took the elevators to the second floor.

"You gonna hang out with us for a little bit?" James asked Victoria.

She smiled. "Yeah, I'd like that." She said, and her and James kissed.

As they entered the apartment, Mrs. Knight was there folding clothes. "Hey boys, how was your day at the pool?" She asked as all of them stepped inside the apartment.

"Fun. So we all thought we'd hang out here for a little while, is that cool?" Kendall asked.

"Sure, I guess that's fine, just as long as you promise not to make a lot of noise." Mrs. Knight said.

"Well there goes half the things to do in this apartment." Carlos said, sighing. Kyle grinned and laughed a little bit.

"Oh yeah, and mom, this is Kyle. He just moved into the Palm Woods a few days ago and he's been recording at Rocque Records." Kendall said.

"Hello Kyle." Mrs. Knight said. Kyle stepped forward and shook Mrs. Knight's hand.

"Nice to meet you." He said.

"Mom, Kyle is an amazing singer. He covered one of our songs and it already has over 20,000 downloads!" Kendall said.

Mrs. Knight nodded. "That's wonderful, Kyle. I'm happy for you. Ok boys, if all of you are going to be spending time here please keep it down. I'll be doing chores if you need me. Nice to meet you, Kyle." Mrs. Knight said, and she took the laundry basket and walked off.

"Even my mom likes you now." Kendall said, laughing. Kyle shrugged.

"What can I say? I guess I'm just a likable person." He said, and everyone joined in laughing. Even James.

Everything went pretty well the rest of the night. No other complications arose between James and Kyle, the two actually laughed and talked the entire time. They all played dome hockey, rode on the swirly slide, and watched a movie. But of course, everyone fell asleep on the couch halfway through, and Mrs. Knight left them alone to sleep.

But the good thing was that everyone fell asleep happy. No one was mad, no one was angry with someone else, and no one was jealous. Maybe Victoria was right, maybe James really was just overlooking things. James thought he was pretty stupid for feeling jealous of Kyle at first. After he hung out with Kyle that night, he completely forgot everything that happened that day. Just hanging out with him, talking and laughing, made him feel like they've known each other for a really long time.

James couldn't even remember why he was jealous in the first place. All he knew was he had friends, his own life, fans, a new friend, and a pretty girl sleeping next to him. Life was pretty good for James Diamond, life was pretty good.


	9. Screwing Up

**I hope you enjoy this chapter;) I already have the next few chapters written and even I'm getting nervous because it's getting better! Haha! You'll be surprised at what happens in the next chapter or two, a little turn of events ;) well, enjoy lol ;)**

The next few days were really fun. Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan, Kyle and Victoria all hung out, and they laughed the entire time. Never in their lives, they thought, had they ever had so much fun.

People were still talking about Kyle, and more and more people seemed to be attracted to him every day. His downloads skyrocketed to more than 35,000 downloads.

It made James a little upset, but at least he had Victoria there to talk him out of his jealousy and to distract him. And it worked, too. He was glad he had Victoria. He couldn't imagine life without her.

But sadly, the fun filled extended weekend had come to an end and the boys had to return to work.

"Aww, James, I'll miss spending time with you. That was probably the most fun I've had in a long time." Victoria said the morning the boys had to leave for work again.

"I promise it'll happen again soon." James said, kissing her forehead.

"Ok, James. I'll see you when you get home from work." She said. James grinned and kissed her.

"See you when I get back."

That began the usual morning ritual of the other four boys having to drag James off so they could actually leave for work. Victoria laughed as James was forcibly dragged out of the Palm Woods.

Once they reached Rocque Records, they went up to the studio floor as usual. It was bad because they caught Gustavo in the middle of one of his really bad moods.

"You boys have got to be careful. He's in a terrible mood today because he's caught in the middle of budgets and contracts and he's really stressing out. Try not to make him angry today, please." Kelly warned them before Gustavo came down from the hallway.

"KELLY GET THE FOUR DOGS INTO THE STUDIO NOW!" He shouted as he walked right past them and into the studio.

"Shall we?" Kelly said, sighing. Everyone went into the studio, Big Time Rush getting ready inside the recording booth and Kyle standing with Gustavo and Kelly, watching.

"Guys, the song is Intermission, you were to learn it over the past few days. You think you're ready?" Kelly asked, being the kind voice of the day so Gustavo wouldn't explode. The boys gave her a thumbs up and Gustavo started the song. Logan began singing, and he sang his part perfectly.

_Curtains open up the scene_

_Spotlight shine on you and me tonight_

_Pretending for the crowd below_

_We out on a real good show_

_But it's a lie_

Then it was Carlos' turn. He too, sang flawlessly.

_We can't help but start a fight_

_It's the same old drama every night_

_I walk off stage, but it's ok_

_It's more than I can take_

Kyle nodded, enjoying the song pretty well. Kelly also thought it was going pretty good but Gustavo, being in his usual bad mood, was hanging on the edge of bad and good. He seemed like he enjoyed it, considering the bad mood he was in. He thought Logan, Carlos and Kendall did pretty well on their parts, but then it was time for James' solo.

_We're like actors in a play_

_Living out our love on stage'_

_You're just sayin'-_

"What was that? What was that?! Stop! Stop!" Gustavo shouted. The music stopped playing and James stopped singing. He looked at Gustavo with a confused look.

"James, what in the world was that?" Gustavo boomed into the microphone.

"Um, I was singing my solo?" James said. Kelly and Kyle both watched the scene play out, their muscles tensing, knowing anything could happen at this point.

"Um, no, what I heard was someone singing very off key and on a totally different note!" Gustavo shouted.

James was beyond confused. "I swear I was hitting the right notes!" James protested.

"WELL YOU WEREN'T!" Gustavo shouted. "Now start the song over and do it again!" James rolled his eyes and gave Gustavo a really angry glare before the song started. Good thing he didn't see it, though.

Again, Gustavo cut the song short when he reached James' solo. And again. And again. And again. Gustavo was just about ready to explode with anger at this point.

"Why don't you boys take a few minute break?" Kelly said quickly, before Gustavo could shout any more angry words at James. The boys were more than glad to finish up for the moment, especially James. He was the first one out of the studio. He raced past Kyle and went right down the hallway, practically running out of the studio. Everyone stared after him, confused, but understanding why he really wanted to get out of there as quick as he could.

"I'll go get him." Carlos said, and he chased after James.

Carlos went down the long hallway, calling James' name and searching in every studio. He finally found him leaning up against the wall, eyes closed, breathing heavily and angrily.

"Hey buddy, you doing ok?" Carlos asked him, trying to lighten the mood. James' eyes instantly flashed open.

"No, not really." He shot back.

Carlos looked down at his feet. "I'm sorry I asked." He said, sounding a little hurt. James' face lightened.

"Oh, Carlos, I'm really sorry. It's just, it's just I'm a little angry and stressed right now, that's all." James said. Carlos looked up and took a few steps towards him.

"James, it'll be alright. Gustavo's just a little grouchy today, that's all. In my opinion you were great! Now do you wanna go back? You'll do fine." Carlos said.

James smiled. "Yeah, let's go." He said, smiling as he stood up and walked back with his best bud.

After talking to Carlos, James started to think maybe his friend was right. Maybe he really was just under some stress, and things would get better once they got back from break. But he was wrong. Things actually got a little worse.

Gustavo kept stopping at James' solos and screaming at him that he was messing up. He kept blaming him for being off key and screwing up the whole song. All the other guys received wonderful compliments from Gustavo except James. Even Kyle, when he tried the song, got it right. He nailed James' solo, and Gustavo scoffed, "Maybe he should take your spot in the band. At least he gets it right." By that point James was beyond angry.

Which is why he was the happiest one whenever they could leave. As James walked out of the studio he could hear Gustavo shouting behind him, "You need to learn your solo! Just get the stupid song right! How hard can that be?" But James ignored him and drowned out his noise. The others were worried about him.

Once they were all back at the Palm Woods, it was already starting to get dark out, because they had run into overtime at Rocque Records. Victoria was already waiting in the lobby. She was smiling, but once she saw the depressed look on James' face, she frowned.

"Oh, James! What's the matter? Are you ok?" She asked. All James did was sigh.

"He's had a pretty rough day at Rocque Records. Gustavo kept yelling at him all day, and he's been feeling a lot of stress and pressure. Not one of his best days." Kendall said. Victoria frowned and placed her hand on his cheek. He didn't do anything, he just stood there, looking at the ground, arms folded.

"He just needs some sleep, is all. He might feel better tomorrow morning." Logan said. "Someone who's under a lot of stress definitely needs sleep.

"Aww, ok then. Get some rest James, I hope you feel better in the morning. Goodnight." Victoria said, and she placed a kiss on James' face. Barely, but just barely, a small smile appeared on James' face. "Thanks Victoria." He said, giving her a little hug. After that, everyone went back to their apartments. Kyle placed his arm around James and patted his shoulder.

"You've had a rough day. A good night's rest outta do you some good." Kyle said. James grinned.

"Thanks." He replied, and they all went to their apartments to sleep.

James crawled into bed that night, resting his head against his pillow, not saying a word to Carlos. As Carlos crawled into the bed next to his, he looked over at James.

"Hey." He said. James didn't answer or turn to face him. "Hey buddy, you ok?" He asked, slightly concerned. James nodded.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Just tired." He said.

"Ok then, goodnight buddy." Carlos said, and he turned off the light. He didn't hear anything else from James. But he was worried about his friend. James really had been feeling a little down lately, and he just wanted him to be happy.

About 2AM that morning Carlos woke up to someone talking. He rubbed his eyes and sat up. But as he listened closer, he heard it wasn't someone talking, it was someone singing. He flipped on the light switch and found a very tired James sitting on the floor at the edge of his bed, going over his solo.

_We're like actors in a play_

_Living out our love on stage_

_And you're just saying the same old lines_

_To me, yeah_

_Somewhere we fell off track_

_But I know love will lead us back_

"James, what are you doing?" Carlos asked, his voice sounding incredibly tired, as he rubbed his eyes. But James ignored him and repeated his solo, apparently determined to get it right, even if it meant staying up all night.

"James, go to bed. It's after 2 in the morning." Carlos said, checking the clock on their bed side table.

"I can't." James sighed. "I HAVE to get this right. I'm tired of Gustavo having to yell at me all the time to get it right, even though I don't think I did anything wrong. And then Kyle tried my solo, and Gustavo called him perfect and told him he was wonderful. I just, I can't take this." James said.

Carlos sighed. As James continued to practice his solo, Carlos got out of bed and walked towards James. He placed his hand on his shoulder. James stopped and looked up at him with tired eyes.

"James," Carlos said, "Please, stop and go to bed." James looked down at the lyrics in his hands, then back up at Carlos.

"James, please?" Carlos asked, kindly. James sighed and reluctantly got up and crawled back into bed. As James crawled underneath his blankets, Carlos sighed and shook his head. "I don't know what I'm going to do with him." He said to himself. And he turned out the light and they both fell asleep.

That next morning, when they met Kyle in the lobby, James came walking slowly behind, yawning, slouched over, and could barely keep his eyes open.

"What's wrong with him?" Kyle asked as the four boys came into view.

"I didn't sleep at all last night." James said, yawning. He rubbed his eyes and cracked his back and knuckles. Kendall, Carlos and Logan exchanged worried looks.

"Well, maybe you'll wake up on our way to work." Kendall said, sounding like he was doubting his own words.

"I agree with Kendall. Let's go." Kyle said. They all walked as usual to the car, everyone taking glances at James every now and then. The poor boy could barely walk in a straight line. Carlos had to guide him the entire way to the car.

The car ride was silent. Everyone was worried about James. He slept the entire way, leaning his head against Carlos' shoulder. Carlos patted his friend's shoulder, giving the other three a worried look. Carlos looked as though he was going to cry.

When they reached Rocque Records, Carlos still had to grab onto James' shoulders and guide him. "Carlos, I promise you, I'm fine." James said, sounding exhausted.

"I just want to be sure." Carlos replied.

James was too tired to answer.

"Morning boys." Kelly said as they approached the studio. Gustavo was surprisingly not yelling at the moment.

"We need to finish this song TODAY because Griffin is pushing me to release it this weekend." Gustavo said. "So James, try not to screw up this time!"

"I'll try not to." James said, extremely tired. He rubbed his eyes and yawned.

"Good." Gustavo replied.

Kendall, James, Carlos and Logan made their way into the studio. Carlos stayed close by James in case he needed help. James was doing a little bit better than he was earlier in the morning, but he still looked like he was ready to fall over any second.

"Try the song this time, let's see how it goes." Gustavo said. He pressed the button and the music started playing, and the boys took to their parts.

Logan started:

_Curtains open up the scene_

_Spotlight shines on you and me, tonight_

_Pretending for the crowd below_

_We put on a real good show (but it's a lie)_

Then Carlos, who kept his eye on James his entire solo:

_We can't help but start a fight_

_It's the same old drama every night_

_(I walk off stage cause this whole play)_

_Is more than I could take_

_Ohhhhhhh_

"Woah, woah, wait, hold up!" Gustavo shouted. He quickly stopped the music, and the guys looked at him puzzled.

"What did we do wrong?" Kendall asked.

"You were off! You were off! I couldn't hear all of your voices! James, why aren't you singing?!" Gustavo shouted.

James yawned and rubbed his eyes, trying to keep them open the best he can. "I'm…I can't…" He started, but he couldn't finish.

"JAMES! YOU NEED TO WAKE UP AND GET TO WORK! You're screwing up this whole song! We won't get it finished in time because of you! It'll be all your fault!" Gustavo kept shouting. Everyone was scared of Gustavo at this point. Kyle took a couple steps back, and so did Kelly.

"Maybe if you'd quit yelling at me I'd actually get some sleep." Carlos heard James mumble under his breath.

"Now, try the song again! And James, don't screw up!" Gustavo yelled. James rolled his eyes and Gustavo started the music. Carlos eyed James with a worried face. Something was definitely wrong.

"Ok, Intermission, from the top. Again." Gustavo said. He once again started the music and the boys began singing. James actually did pretty good this time. Even though he felt like he was going to fall asleep on the spot every moment, he did his best to keep up. He just didn't know how his solo was going to go.

_We're like actors in a play_

_Living out our love on stage_

_And you're just sayin' the same old lines_

_To me, yeah_

_Somewhere we fell off track_

_But I know love will leads us back_

James finally nailed his solo, and he felt pretty proud of himself. Carlos was grinning as he sang, and gave James a pat on the back. But they were towards the end of the song when they saw Griffin walk into the studio. They couldn't hear what he was saying, but they heard him talking to Kyle and showing him something on an iPad. They watched as Kyle's expression changed to overjoyed and nearly jumping up and down.

They finished the song and quickly exited the booth, curious. "What's he all excited about?" Logan asked.

"Well, Kyle's cover of Till' I Forget About You has reached 100,000 downloads just now, and counting." Griffin said. Kyle stared open mouthed at the iPad, sppechless.

"So, we'd like Kyle to record an original song available for download this week." Griffin said, taking the iPad. "This kid really has got potential, keep him working." Griffin said, and he walked away. Kyle didn't know how to react.

"Kyle! That's amazing! He wants you to start writing original music!" Kendall said. Kyle grinned.

"I, I can't believe it! I did not think I'd reach my dream this fast!" Kyle said.

"Well, we're proud of you! All of us." Logan said.

"But that means you're going to have to work harder, and start writing your own songs." Gustavo said.

"Got any songs by any chance?" Kelly asked.

"Yeah, I wrote one when I was 14. I think I still remember the chords." Kyle replied.

"Well, grab a guitar and get started! Play the song for us!" Kendall said, excitedly. Kyle nodded and took his guitar out of the corner of the studio. James watched sadly as everyone watched as Kyle strummed his guitar and began singing his song.

_When times are tough_

_And life gets real dark_

_And you got no where to go_

_Just remember _

_I'll be right here with you_

A large group of girls instantly piled into the studio, screaming, to watch Kyle and listen to him play. James watched them sadly, and stayed in the corner. He was really hurt. It seemed as though Kyle was starting to take over his life. But they were friends, they liked each other. Kyle was a good kid, he wouldn't try to do anything like that.

Would he?

Carlos woke up really early that next morning. He couldn't sleep, and it was about 6 AM. They'd have to be up in an hour, so he thought he'd go in the kitchen and get a snack. As he walked downstairs and turned on the light, he nearly jumped when he saw something lying on the couch. It was James.

"James, buddy, what are you doing on the couch?" Carlos asked, walking over to him, realizing he was still awake.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Have you slept at all last night?"

"Not really."

Carlos frowned and his heart broke a little bit. James hadn't been sleeping lately, and it was starting to worry him. Carlos sat down next to his friend.

"Everything ok?"

"Not really."

"You want to talk about it?"

James sighed. "I don't know, I just, I'm stressed, things are getting to me. Maybe I'm overworked, or maybe I'm just overthinking. I don't know, I just, I can't sleep. Every time I try to, I just can't. It's like something is holding me back from sleeping. And it's really bothering me."

You could definitely tell James was holding back tears.

"Maybe you should go see the doctor? Maybe he can put you on something or tell you what you should do to try and sleep. Would you like that?" Carlos said, placing his hands on his friends shoulders.

"I don't know." James replied.

"We'll see how you get over the next few days. If you're still not sleeping, we can take you to the doctor and make you all better, ok buddy?" Carlos said, taking his hand and rubbing nice, soothing circles on his friends back.

James nodded, and a single teardrop fell down his face. He covered his face with his hands and began crying lightly. Carlos continued to rub circles on his back, nice and softly.

"Shh, James, it'll all be ok." Carlos said softly, trying to get his friend to calm down. "You'll be fine, you're just tired." After a few minutes, James calmed down and his breathing evened out. Carlos looked and saw that he had fallen asleep. He threw a blanket over his friend and tucked him in.

Carlos sat down next to James and sighed. "James, it'll all get better soon, I promise." Carlos said, and he too lied down on the couch, and the both of them slept there until they had to wake up.

When they had to wake up the next morning, and Mrs. Knight went to go get James and Carlos off the couch, Carlos, who was already awake, stopped her.

"Let this one sleep a few more minutes." He said. Mrs. Knight looked at the sleeping James, then back at the worried look on Carlos' face. Slightly worried, she asked, "Is he ok?"

Carlos shook his head. "I don't know."

When everyone was up and dressed that next morning, Kendall saw James and asked, "Hey buddy, feeling ok?"

James nodded. "Much better." He replied. Carlos patted his back and half smiled.

"Well, I'm glad. Now, why don't we go off to work?" Kendall said. James gave a tired smile and nodded, and the four boys headed out of the apartment. But Mrs. Knight stopped Carlos on his way out the door.

"If he's feeling any worse today, tell me and I'll take him to the doctor, ok?" She said. Carlos nodded in agreement, and left.

In the lobby, Victoria ran up to James and threw her arms around him. "Hey! How are you? I haven't seen you in like 2 days. Are you feeling ok?" She asked James. Carlos had texted her last night and told her James was having trouble sleeping.

James nodded. "A lot better." He replied. And he looked it. He definitely looked a lot better than he did the past few days.

Victoria kissed his cheek. "I'm glad you said that, I'm glad you're feeling better." She said. James grinned.

"Do you think we can hang out after I get back from work? We get off at 6 today, so I'm glad about that." James said.

"Oh, I can't. Didn't I tell you? I got an audition to be a man character on this new show coming out called Amazing Grace! It's late this afternoon and I'll be gone all day. I think I've got a real good shot at getting on the show, but I feel really bad and all because you haven't been feeling well, and…"

James chuckled. "That's ok, don't worry about me. I'm beyond happy for you, Victoria. I'll text you later today, ok? I love you, and good luck." He said, and he kissed her. She waved as he walked towards the car.

"Glad you're feeling better, you look as though you got some sleep." Kyle said as they started to pull away from the Palm Woods.

"Thanks. Yesterday I just felt like shit, but today I feel a lot better. I'm just glad I finally got that song right. Or else Gustavo would be all up my ass today." James said, leaning back in his seat.

'm glad you're feeling better, buddy." Carlos said, surprisingly not as happy as he normally is.

James smiled. "Thanks buddy."

When the car pulled up to Rocque Records, all five boys were surprised to see a large group of girls standing outside the building. They were all confused for a moment until they heard them screaming Kyle's name.

"Woah," Kyle said, definitely astounded by all of the girls there. Just standing outside the building, there must've been 100 girls, at least. There were so many security guards had to come get them.

"Stay with us, and you'll be fine." One of them said. The boys all followed closely beside the security guards and were led into Rocque Records.

"Ok, why were all them girls out there? Why were they all screaming my name?" Kyle asked as soon as they were safely inside the studio.

"THIS is why." Kelly said, grinning. She held up a laptop opened up to a video of Kyle singing his original song on YouTube.

"500,000 people watched this?!" Kyle gasped. Everyone crowded around the computer and watched as the views got higher and more people started commenting.

"_Oh my God! This guy is amazing!"_

"_this is srsly the best music ive ever heard"_

"_Ive never heard someone sing this amazing! :)"_

"_Keep up the good work Kyle you'll get real far real soon"_

"Wait, so someone leaked this video of me online?!" Kyle asked, scrolling through the comments on his video.

Kelly and Gustavo nodded. "One of the girls must've had a camera and was filming you. This is big, Kyle." Kelly said.

Kyle still watched in amazement as people were commenting by the hundreds and as the views went up and up and up and up. The comments kept coming, and they kept getting better and better.

"_Like seriously, this dude is way hot! And an amazing voice!"_

"_Marry Me?"_

"_You're better than One Direction."_

"_Better than One Direction? Girl he's better than anyone"_

James' heart sank and shattered when he read the next few comments.

"_He kinda reminds me of that guy James from Big Time Rush"_

"_Please, he's BETTER than James. And more good looking"_

"_I never liked James anyway."_

"_LMAO Kyle should replace him in the band."_

James ran away before he could read anymore. Nobody seemed to notice he was gone, they were all too focused on Kyle's video. But Carlos turned to see James running down the hallway. His heart shattered, too. He turned and read some of the comments that were being said, and he felt like he wanted to cry.

Poor James.


	10. Complications

**HEY! So…Merry Christmas xD I've written the next couple chapters and it gets pretty intense! Enjoy this one, and have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!**

**Oh, and thanks for all of your ideas for the story! I read every review and laugh to myself when I read your ideas because half the stuff your saying is close to what happens and you don't know what's going to happen ;) haha enjoy!:)**

Griffin then came into the room, interrupting Carlos from his stare. "Great news, Kyle!" He said, loud and proud.

"Your music is doing so well, and so many people have been emailing us and giving us phone calls to buy your music, our inboxes not only crashed and we had to hire a whole different set of phone lines just to take in all the calls, but we need you to write more songs and start recording more RIGHT away! People have been begging me to release some more of your music, so we need up singing more covers at the moment and get you writing some original songs. Keep up the good work, Kyle, you're doing very well." He said, and he walked out of the room, leaving Kyle completely amazed.

Kyle must've jumped more than three feet high into the air, and screamed "YES!" Everyone else applauded and was saying, "Congrats Kyle!" and "I knew you could do it!"

Carlos turned around to see James watching from far down the hallway. But James quickly turned away and kept running. Carlos' heart sank. He saw the tears on James' face.

James was sitting in the closet at the far end of the hallway, head in between his knees, hands clasped over his ears, tears pouring out of his eyes. It seemed like everyone completely forgot about him. Not just then, but it seems as though his fans were deserting him, too.

"No, you're being stupid, James." James told himself. "Your fans still and always will love you, no matter what. Fans are fans, but Rushers are forever." He said. He took to twitter to prove himself wrong.

But what he saw wasn't what he expected. His whole timeline was all talking about Kyle, and people weren't mentioning him as much as usual. He scrolled trough his twitter feed, reading all of the tweets about 'how wonderful Kyle is' and 'how spectacular he has become in such a short period of time.'

But not all of it was good stuff.

James got choked up when he read some of what others were saying:

_ ForRealzLuv: That James is such a brat. Kyle is way nicer and sweeter than him._

_ Evurgreen: I agree. All James cares about is himself._

_ ForRealzLuv: Like carrying around that stupid comb everywhere._

_ Evurgreen: LMAO at least Kyle has some talent._

_ BBall98807: His pretty face won't be around real long. Kyle be takin' him over._

_ JustinBiebs77: Kyle has the voice of an angel and James sounds like a dog._

_ KENDALLfan_15: maybe that's why Gustavo calls him a dog._

_ pollycollie_BTR54: James needs some real talent. _

_ ImmaFreakForLogan: Like he ever had any in the first place._

Of course Big Time Rush received hate all the time, not everyone on earth was going to like them, but this was way too much. It took up all his twitter feed, it was all he could see. James saw on the TT list that "More Kyle Music" was trending. His heart shattered. It's like this boy was stealing his whole identity.

James' phone vibrated in his palms.

A text from Victoria.

_Hey, are you ok?! I'm reading all this stuff on twitter!_

Wiping the tears from his eyes, James typed back, fingers fumbling every now and then due to shaking:

_Yeah, I'm fine._

Instantly, there was a reply.

_I don't believe you. The stuff I'm reading is pretty bad._

James typed:

_I promise you, Victoria, I'm ok. Just a little upset._

Victoria's response:

_James, this stuff can get pretty serious. I'm worried about you. I don't want you to be affected by this. Are you sure you're ok? Do you need me to come up there? I can skip my audition._

James: _What?! No! I would never want you to do something like that! Look, Victoria, I'm ok, I promise. If anything was wrong, I'd tell you. Now, get some rest and get ready, that audition is big and I know you'll do great._

Victoria: _Well, if you say so. You sure you're ok?_

James: _Positive._

Victoria: _ok then. I love you, James._

James: _I love you too, Victoria._

James sighed and put his head in his hands. He didn't know what to do with himself. He was clearly over reacting, definitely way over thinking. He couldn't sleep, and now he was blaming it all on one of his friends. Maybe he should check himself into a mental hospital.

After a few moments, James decided he was being stupid. He stood up, took a deep breath, wiped his eyes, fixed his hair, and went out into the hallway. He walked down to the studio, and found Kyle in the recording booth, singing his heart out. James' heart sank a little more. No one even noticed he was there.

James stood back and watched from a corner. He really did think he was being stupid. Kyle was new, and everyone was all excited about having a brand new talented face around Hollywood. James admitted, he was jealous, and he decided to calm down. He took out his phone and went to twitter.

Ignoring all of the rude and negative comments, he tweeted:

_ KyleBoronco nice work, dude. Keep it up._

He felt satisfied with himself after that. He realized he probably just needed to embrace the fact that there was someone new at Rocque Records, and that he wasn't going to be the center of attention forever.

At 6 o'clock, it was time for them to go home. Kyle was told to stay at the studio a little longer to record some new tracks. BTR was more than glad to go home. As they got into the car, Kendall took out his phone.

"Text from Jo?" Logan asked.

"Nah, I'm checking twitter." Kendall said.

He signed into twitter and checked his twitter feed, but then he frowned and quietly said, "Yikes." Logan looked over his shoulder and frowned too. They both looked at James.

When they arrived at the palm Woods, James was the first to jump out of the car. He ran inside the lobby, away from his friends. Carlos stared after him, wanting to cry.

James really was upset that Victoria wasn't there. He was really upset, and really needed someone he could vent to. He needed something to make him happy.

That's when he saw Julie walking through the lobby.

James, knowing the young girl was always happy and chipper whenever she saw him, put on a fake smile and said, "Hey!"

But Julie didn't stop to give him a hug, or smile at him and start talking in her loud, cheerful voice. Instead, she walked a little faster and replied a simple, "Hey." And she was gone. James stared after her in disbelief. He ran up to his apartment.

His fans were even starting to ignore him. It was like Kyle was taking over everything. But why should he accuse his friend of doing something like that? I'm just jealous of his success, James thought. Kyle isn't really trying to take over my life.

But things weren't all good. When James reached his room, he sat down on his bed and saw he had a notification on twitter from Kyle. He opened it up and saw it was a response from his earlier tweet:

_ JamesDiamond: KyleBoronco nice work, dude. Keep it up._

_ KyleBoronco: JamesDiamond jealous much?_

James stared at his phone, very confused. "What the?" He asked himself. Did Kyle really tweet this?

James typed a reply:

_ JamesDiamond: KyleBoronco excuse me?_

A few minutes later, he got a reply:

_ KyleBoronco: JamesDiamond u heard me_

James couldn't believe Kyle was acting like this. This wasn't the nice, sweet Kyle he knew.

Was Kyle beginning to bully him now? James was so confused right then, maybe he should just get some sleep. It was only about 6:45, but he really needed it. He lied down on his bed and shut his eyes, trying to block out every bad memory that happened to him that day. The crying in the closet, being ignored by Julie, the mean comments by so-called "Rushers", the tweets. And now he didn't even have Victoria with him. James felt like crying again.

Was there any way to relieve all of this stress? It was all piling up on him so fast, like it was crushing down on his shoulders and the feeling won't go away. He needed something, ANYTHING, to get rid of his stress. He just didn't know what.

He tried to fall asleep, he really did, but it was just impossible. He lied there for over 20 minutes, trying to sleep, but he couldn't. He became fidgety and kept rolling over to his sides. Then he started getting frustrated.

"UGH." He grunted, sitting straight up in his bed, smacking his hands against the mattress. "Why can't I sleep?! What's wrong with me?! I'm screwing everything up and I can't sleep!" James screamed, on the verge of sobbing again. He slammed his head in his hands and sat there on his bed. But that was when Carlos walked in.

"James, I heard you in the hallway. You don't sound ok." Carlos said innocently.

"That's because I'm NOT ok!" James shouted at him. Carlos just stood there and looked at his feet.

"I just wanted to know if you were ok. I wanted to know if you needed something."

"I'm just peachy." James said, sighing. He leaned back in his bed. "I don't need anything."

Carlos went and sat on the edge of his bed. "How about a friend?" James looked at him, and suddenly felt a pang of guilt for yelling at him.

James sighed. "Carlos, I'm sorry I yelled at you. It's just, I'm not getting enough sleep and I'm really stressed out. I'm angry and I don't know why. I just, I can't deal with all this stress, I'm sorry." He said.

Carlos sighed. "James, I understand. I may not look or act like it, but I really do care. I know I can be crazy at times but honestly, I promise I'm always here for you. Always talk to me when you're feeling upset, ok?"

James smiled. "Ok, Carlos, I will."

"And whenever you can't sleep," Carlos continued, more hyper and smiling now, "I'll stay up with you. We can watch movies and play video games, and eat snacks, and scare Logan."

James laughed. "Ok, we can do all that." He said, feeling a little bit better.

"But seriously, let me know if you're feeling bad, ok? I don't want to see my best bud upset." Carlos said.

James nodded. "I will. I promise." Carlos patted his shoulder and stood up.

"You wanna go do something? Or do you wanna at least try and get some sleep?" Carlos asked.

James sighed. "I want to sleep but I can't. It's confusing." He grabbed his head. "And now I've got a headache.

Carlos stood up. "I'll get you a glass of water. I'll be right back." He said, and with that he left the room. James smiled. He was really glad he had a friend right now, when he needed him most…

"But Mrs. Knight, I'm really worried about him." Carlos said. He clutched James' glass of water in his hand.

Mrs. Knight sighed. "I know, I know, Kendall and Logan have come to me too about him. And you say he hasn't been sleeping?"

"Yeah, he's barely slept in two days. Gustavo has been yelling at him for being too tired, he can barely walk or concentrate on anything, and he's really scaring me." Carlos said.

"Maybe he's just stressed out. When someone is depressed or really stressed out, it's hard for them to sleep." Mrs. Knight replied.

"He has been really stressed the past few days. He told me things were just getting to him, and that might be why he's been staying up."

"That could be it."

"So what should we do?"

Mrs. Knight thought for a moment. "If he doesn't get better within the next few days," She said, "Then I'll have to take him to the doctor, see if there really is something wrong with him."

Carlos nodded. "Ok. Thank you, Mrs. Knight." Carlos said, and he hurried back up the stairs into him and James' room.

Mrs. Knight sighed and shook her head…

"Here's your water." Carlos said, walking to their room and over to James' bed. He handed him the glass, and James took a few sips.

"Thanks buddy."

Carlos sighed and sat on the edge of his bed. "Are you sure you're feeling ok?" He asked James.

James nodded. "Carlos, I promise you I'm fine."

"Ok, just please let me know if you aren't feeling well. And if you can't sleep, please let me know." Carlos said. He stood up. "I'll let you sleep. That should make you feel better." And Carlos left the room, taking one last worried glance at James before shutting the door.

James sighed and stared at the door, his heart sinking. He knew Carlos was only trying to help, and he knew he shouldn't be lying to him. He shouldn't be lying to himself, either.

That next morning, James woke up yawning. Another restless night. He tossed and turned all night, and Carlos had noticed. He got maybe two hours of sleep. Carlos was worried.

As they walked down into the lobby, James noticed Kyle walking towards the car, too, texting on his phone. He decided to question him on the tweets last night.

"Kyle, Kyle wait up." He said. Kyle stopped and turned to face James.

"Yeah, what do you want?" Kyle asked.

"I want to know what was up with those tweets last night." James said.

"Yeah, what about them?" Kyle asked, looking away to check something on his phone.

James gave him a puzzled look. "I mean why would you say something like that? In that way? I thought we were friends?" James asked.

Kyle sighed. "Look, James, I've got to get to work, and so do you." He said. He walked away, and James stood there, staring confused after him.

"What is that kid's problem?" He asked himself. But he couldn't think any longer, because Kendall, Carlos and Logan came up behind him.

"Ready to go?" Kendall asked.

When James didn't answer, he shrugged and ran forward, and caught up to Kyle. Kyle smiled at Kendall and the two began talking as they walked out of the Palm Woods.

"I'm going with Kendall." Logan said, and he too ran forward. That left James and Carlos.

"Ready?" Carlos asked James. James, not knowing what to do or say at that point, sighed and nodded. He and Carlos walked forward, not saying a word to each other.

The entire ride to Rocque Records was silent. Kyle was on his phone the entire time, and was talking to Kendall. Once he looked up at James, but then talked to Kendall. Logan joined in their conversation at one point.

James just looked out the window. He had never been more confused in his entire life then that moment right then.

When they got to Rocque Records, the large group of girls was back, and they had multiplied. There must've been well over 200 girls there. Screaming both Kyle's name and Big Time Rush.

James smiled. He needed fans to cheer him up right then.

But when they got out of the car, he heard everyone's name being called out, except his.

The security guards led them past the girls and into the building. Unlike the others, who were talking and laughing trying to count how many girls were outside, he remained quiet.

Griffin greeted them at the studio entrance. "What's going on here?" Kyle asked, noticing Griffin was in a peculiar good mood.

"Good news, Kyle." He said, stepping forward. "We've gotten so many requests that we're going to have you release an EP of your own original songs."

Kyle's jaw dropped, and then he grinned wildly. "Seriously? You mean it?" He asked, really excited.

"Indeed." Griffin replied. "So that means you'll have to get to work right away, and start working with Big Time Rush more today. We're hoping to record a duet with the two of you soon." Griffin said. "So get to work!"

Four boys jumped up and cheered. All, of course, except James. "This is amazing!" Kyle said, finally settling down.

"And we'd also like you to do a duet with Big Time Rush. And whenever they perform their concert in downtown L.A in a few weeks, you'll be opening up for them." Griffin said, heading towards the door. But then he stopped and turned around. "You're doing a great job, Kyle. Keep it up." And he left.

"Kyle, this is incredible! I'm so proud of you!" Kendall said.

"Thanks, Kendall! Wow, this is too much. I can't believe it!" Kyle said, grinning from ear to ear.

James patted him on the back. "Good job, Kyle." He said. But Kyle didn't say anything back. Amidst all the joy and celebration going on in the room, Kyle shot James an angry glare. James didn't say anything. He was highly confused. Why was Kyle being so mean to him?

"Ok, I need to get all five of you in the booth today in such little time. So let's move out!" Gustavo said. Everyone agreed and went to work.

James didn't feel very good that day. He felt tired, sick, depressed, angry, confused, about every emotion or feeling you could imagine. Kyle wouldn't talk to him the entire day. He just gave him angry looks and avoided him whenever he wanted to talk. This was really bothering James. Why was Kyle doing this? Weren't the two of them friends? This didn't add up to James.

Once during the day when Kyle was in the booth, James got a text from Victoria. He was glad, because he's barely seen her the past few days and he missed her.

_Hey, you doing ok? I haven't seen you! I miss you xoxo 3_

James smiled and typed back,

_Yeah, I'm ok. Did you get a call back for your audition yet?_

Victoria replied:

_No, not for a few more days. I'm nervous._

James: _Don't be nervous, you'll get that part. You deserve it._

Victoria: _Thank you, James. That means a lot. You sure you're doing ok?_

James: _Yeah, I promise._

"JAMES! You're up! Get in the booth!" Gustavo shouted. James went back to his phone and quickly texted Victoria,

_Hey, I gotta go. I'll see you when I get back, ok? I love you so much3_

James put his phone back in his pocket and ran into the studio.

"Good, you're here. We don't need you screwing up anymore. Now, get in the booth and go over Boyfriend. We're making a special remix." Gustavo said. James nodded and got into the booth. As he began singing, he saw out of the corner of his eye Kyle was glaring at him. It was not a very pleasant stare. Why was Kyle acting like this?

At the end of the day, James decided to ignore Kyle's glares and ignorant nature and head right home. It was 8 at night, they've had a long day, and James wanted to try and get some sleep. He wanted to see Victoria, wanted to talk to someone he knew would never leave him.

Once they were back at the Palm Woods, Kyle walked with Kendall, Carlos and Logan, and was talking to them as they entered the building. James looked back at them, then turned around and walked a little faster up to the apartment. Carlos stared after him sadly.

As he was about to get on the elevator, Carlos caught up with him. "Hey, you shouldn't be alone." He said, patting his friend on the back and smiling at him.

"Thanks Carlos." James said, returning his smile.

The elevator doors opened up and Victoria was standing there. "Hey James!" She said. She was going to throw her arms around him but she noticed he didn't look good at all. "James, are you ok?" She asked.

James yawned and rubbed his eyes. "Not really." He replied. "I barely got any sleep the past few days and I'm running low on energy." Carlos stared at his friend sadly.

Carlos and James stepped inside the elevator and it started to take them to the second floor. Victoria stared at James sadly. "I don't want you to get sick from not sleeping. Go lie down and rest." She said, she kissed James. "I love you, get some sleep."

And with that, the two boys got off on the second floor and Victoria waved to them as the elevator door closed, separating them.

"She's right, James. You really do need some sleep." Carlos said. "And you do look a little sick."

"I know I need sleep. And maybe I am getting sick, but I can't deal with this anymore." James said. He walked ahead of Carlos into the apartment, and flung himself down on the couch, face down. He buried his head in his hands.

Carlos sat down next to him. "Is something else bothering you?" He asked James. The taller boy shrugged.

"I don't know anything anymore." He said.

Carlos place his hand on James' shoulder. "You know you don't have to go through this alone." He said to James. "I'm right here, and Kendall and Logan are, too."

"No they're not. Everyone's focused on Kyle. They don't care about me anymore." James said.

"Is that what you're upset about? Kyle? Is that what's bothering you?" Carlos asked. After a short moment, James nodded.

"And now he's being mean to me."

Carlos sighed. "You know I'm worried about you, James." He said. "I really am. I just want you to be ok. I want you to be up and happy, I want you to laugh, I want you to sleep." Carlos said.

"It's hard." James replied, head still buried in his arms.

"I know it is, but I promise you, things will get better. They always do." Carlos said. James didn't say anything back, because at that moment Kendall, Logan and Kyle walked through the door.

"Hey, is he ok?" Kendall asked.

Carlos glanced at James and replied, without turning his head to look at them, "Yeah, he's fine."

"You sure? Because he looked awful all day and we wanted to make sure he was ok." Logan said. Kyle didn't say anything.

"Yeah, he's fine. He just really needs his sleep, is all." Carlos replied, patting James' back.

"Come on, guys, let's go." Kyle said.

"Oh yeah, if my mom asks, we're over at Kyle's for the night." Kendall said, then he and the other two boys left. Kyle shut the door behind him, staring at James quickly before he left.

"That kid hates me." James said whenever he was sure they were gone.

"Kyle does not hate you." Carlos said. "You're just tired.

"If you say so." James said, sighing.

Carlos threw a blanket over James. "Sleep. Now." He said, laughing. James turned his head and smiled at him.

"Thanks buddy." He said.

Carlos smiled at his friend. "Any time." He said. "Any time."

At about 11 PM that night, Mrs. Knight came home with Katie. They apparently spent the day in San Diego.

"Boys? We're home." Mrs. Knight called into the apartment. But no response. All the lights were off, even the TV.

"Where could they be?" Katie asked.

"I'm not sure. It's past 11." Mrs. Knight replied.

"They're at Kyle's."

Mrs. Knight and Katie jumped at the unexpected voice. "Who is that?" Mrs. Knight asked. She flicked on the light and found James sitting up on the couch.

"They told us to tell you they were spending the night at Kyle's apartment. On the third floor." James said. Mrs. Knight saw that Carlos was sleeping on the other part of the couch, and James was just sitting there in the dark.

"Katie, go to bed I need to talk to James." Mrs. Knight said. Katie nodded and ran to her room.

"James, tell me, why are you sitting awake in the dark?" Mrs. Knight asked him.

"I didn't want to wake Carlos by turning on the light or TV." James replied. Carlos shifted in his sleep.

"Couldn't you sleep again?" Mrs. Knight asked. James shook his head. Mrs. Knight went over to him and felt his head. "You don't really seem like you have a fever," She said. "How long has this been going on, again?"

"A little over a week." James responded.

Mrs. Knight thought for a moment. "I think I'm going to have to take you to the doctor tomorrow." She said. "Maybe he can give you something to help you sleep."

James nodded. "Ok." He said. Mrs. Knight fluffed his pillow and fixed the blanket on his lap.

"Now why don't you lie down and get some sleep, or at least try to. I'll take you to the doctor in the morning." She said. James nodded and lied down, closing his eyes. Mrs. Knight shook her head and walked away, turning off the light as she left.

That next morning, James woke up, completely exhausted. He tossed and turned all night. He couldn't sleep at all, he got about 3 hours of sleep. Probably the longest he's slept that week.

"Hey James, you doing ok?" Mrs. Knight said, walking over to him. James cracked his back.

"Not really. I barely slept. This is bothering me." He said.

"I'm taking you to the doctor's today." She said. "Maybe you should call off work today."

"No, I can't." James said, sighing. "We're doing a fan signing today and I can't let them down."

Mrs. Knight looked skeptical, but she sighed and went along with James. 'Alright. Just you call home if you're feeling bad, ok? And RIGHT after you get back, you're going to the doctor. Now, would you please wake Carlos up?" Mrs. Knight said, and she walked away to go make breakfast. James yawned and looked at the sleeping Carlos on the couch. He picked up a pillow and chucked it at him.

"Wake up, little munchkin." James said, and he chuckled as Carlos moaned while he kept throwing pillows at him.

"Hey, you ready?" Kendall asked as they all met up in the lobby.

"More than ever! Can't wait to meet all the fans. You, James?" Carlos asked, looking at James. James gave a weak smile.

"Definitely."

"Well, let's go!" Logan said. They all ran towards the car. They passed Kyle on the way there.

"Hey Kyle! You going to the studio today?" Kendall asked. They all stopped to talk to him. James felt uneasy.

"Yepp! Going to record my EP! Can't wait! So excited for this!" Kyle replied. He grinned a happy grin, but James could read the message in his eyes when he looked at him. It wasn't very nice.

"We got to go to a fan signing, but we'll catch up with you later." Kendall said.

"Ok, bye guys!" Kyle said, waving after them, smiling.

"See ya, Kyle." James said, waving back to him. But when Kyle saw James, he frowned and stopped waving. He glared at him, giving him an evil look. What was wrong with this kid?


	11. I Hate You

**I hope you will forgive me for the long wait. I will admit it, I am a very lazy person, and I already have the next few chapters written out. But I won't give anything away, so enjoy it!**

**P.S-you may cry reading some of this.**

**And im sorry its so short. The next chapter will be longer :)**

They're signing was in the mall by RT's Music Store. The boys were really excited for this, especially James. He wanted to be around fans to prove to himself that they really didn't hate him.

They sat same as always, Kendall first, then Logan, then Carlos, then James. James put on his smile for everyone and pretended like he wasn't tired, unhappy, and completely worn down. But when James saw all the fans, he smiled for real. Maybe people really didn't hate him after all, he thought. Maybe people really did like him.

When the first few fans came to them, they were the usual crying, 'oh my God I can't believe it' fans. James especially liked the littler girls who freaked out, because he thought it was so cute.

But when the girls got down to James, they really didn't say anything to him. They just handed him the poster and after he signed it. He asked them how they were doing, but they didn't answer. They just walked away, talking about, 'How Kendall held my hand!' or 'How Logan's dimples are so cute when he smiled!' or 'Carlos called me beautiful!' James frowned, but took a deep breath and went on.

Things didn't get much better at all. Only a few fans out of the hundreds that were there told him they loved him, or even tried to talk to him. The others didn't even seem to care. They were just too focused on the other three guys.

At one point, towards the end, a girl went up to Kendall and handed him a cute little blue sparkling gift bag. "Can you give this to Kyle please? I'd really appreciate it." She said.

Kendall smiled. "Sure thing, darling." He replied. The girl grinned from ear to ear after Kendall called her 'darling'.

James' heart literally broke in pieces after the next girl. She was about 15 years old, and was excited to meet Big Time Rush. She sounded overjoyed just by the way she talked to the other guys. But when she got to James, she frowned at him.

"No one likes you." She said. James' heart broke, but he tried not to show it.

"Now, why would you say that?" James asked.

"Because it's true!" The girl continued. "You don't deserve to be in Big Time Rush. You and I both know Kyle should take your place. Just go, just leave. No one wants you." She said, and she just walked away from him. James felt like he was going to cry, and a single teardrop fell down his face. Carlos glanced at James out of the corner of his eye. He overheard EVERYTHING.

After the signing they all went back into the car to go home. The other boys were admiring the wonderful gifts their fans made them.

"I love our fans. They're so kind, and beautiful." Kendall said, taking out a letter from one fan and reading over it.

"Agreed." Logan said.

James sighed and looked out the window. All the girls he met today gave him bracelets, and he loved them very much. Every one was special to him. But no matter how much he thought about that, he still couldn't shake the words of that one girl.

"_No one likes you. Kyle deserves to take your place in Big Time Rush."_

"_Just leave, just go. No one wants you."_

"Kyle got quite a few presents too." Kendall said, interrupting James from his daydreaming. He wasn't really paying attention to what they were saying.

"So many people really like him. He'll be really happy." Logan said. James tried to hide the pain that those words brought to him.

When they finally reached the Palm Woods, James got out of the car without the other guys and walked ahead in silence.

He saw Mrs. Knight waiting outside for him. "You have an appointment soon, I made one after you left. You ready to go?" She asked. James nodded and got into her car.

"Where's he going?" Kendall asked as the two drove away. Logan shrugged his shoulders. Carlos knew. He knew everything. He just didn't say.

Upon arrival at the doctor's office, Mrs. Knight checked them in and a nurse came in and escorted them to a room. "Just back here." She said, letting them in. "The doctor will see you in a few minutes, James." And he and Mrs. Knight were left in silence.

"Are you feeling any better?" Mrs. Knight asked James.

"Not at all." James said. He grabbed his head. "I think I actually might feel worse, if that's possible."

Before Mrs. Knight could say anything, the doctor walked in. Doctor Hollywood was out that day, and a tall, dark haired lady was taking his place.

"Now, when you called, Mrs. Knight said you were having trouble sleeping, is that true?" She asked James as she did the typical routine doctor check ups: like checking his eyes and his breathing.

James yawned, rubbed his eyes, and said, "Yeah, I've barely slept at all the past few days."

The doctor rubbed her chin. "And how long has this been going on?" She asked.

"A little over a week." James replied. "I just keep tossing and turning and can't sleep no matter how hard I try or how tired I am."

The doctor thought a moment. "Have a lot of things been on your mind lately? Have you been under any stress?" She asked.

James nodded. "Definitely, a little too much stress." He replied. "And even days when I'm not feeling so bad I can't sleep. The longest I've slept these past few days was about three hours, that's it."

The doctor nodded. "You know what I think," She said. "I think you have insomnia."

"Insomnia? What's that?" James asked.

"Insomnia is the inability to sleep." She said.

"Then I definitely have it."

"How hard is it for you to fall asleep at night? Like what happens, what's running through your mind? And what do you do when you can't sleep?" The doctor asked, scribbling some things down on her clipboard.

"Well, it's like something is keeping me from sleep. Like when I try to fall asleep, even when I'm tired, I just can't do it. Especially when I'm under a lot of pressure. Just all my problems come rushing to me the second I try to fall asleep, and I just can't. Then when I can't sleep I either just sit on the dark or just lie there trying to fall asleep. It's really hard…" James said, trying to say everything that was on his mind.

The doctor nodded as she scribbled some more things down on her clipboard. "Well," She said, "Taking what you've described to me, you definitely have insomnia."

"How can we help him?" Mrs. Knight asked.

The doctor looked at the two of them. "Well, I suggest putting him on some sleeping pills. That should help him sleep at night. He'll have to be put on it for about two months, but if he really improves during that time, he can be taken off of them. I just need you to fill out these papers and we can get him tested for some medication."

She handed Mrs. Knight some papers. "Now, if you'll come with me." She said to James. "We can get you tested a little bit and see which medication you'll need." James followed her out the door and down the long hallway. He didn't say anything. Medication, he thought. I'm going on medication for something I probably can control, if I really tried.

On the car ride home, James was silent. The doctor prescribed him to sleeping pills. He'd have to take one each night before he slept, or whenever he couldn't sleep. James felt stupid and didn't say anything. Neither did Mrs. Knight. When they reached the Palm Woods, James got out of the car without her and walked away.

He couldn't get over everything. The rude twitter comments that kept pouring and pouring in, the desertion from fans, the rude fan, Kyle being mean to him, and now sleeping pills. It was all coming onto him so much he couldn't take it.

Kyle was walking into the Palm Woods just as James was. James decided now would be the perfect time to confront him about how he's been acting. "Hey, can I talk to you for a second?" James asked, walking up to him.

"Um, sure." Kyle said, doubt in his voice. James pulled him aside, where no one could see or hear them.

"I really want to know what's going on with you. Your attitude is changing, and I want to know why you're doing this to me." James said. Kyle rolled his eyes. "You see! That, that right there. I want to know what's up with you. We were great friends when you first came here! What happened?" James asked.

Kyle's mood suddenly went from 'I don't care' to really angry. "You know what's up with me, James?" He said, taking a step forward. "You always had everything you wanted, always. I never liked you. I deserve to have the fame you have. You don't need it. We all know I'm better than you, says so twitter."

Kyle held up his phone, showing James numerous tweets about him, all negative. Some even told James to go kill himself.

"You really don't belong here." Kyle said, putting his phone in his pocket. "I have more talent than you'll ever have, I'm even gaining all your fans. Your Worldwide Girl even." Kyle said. He showed James a bracelet Julie had apparently given him. It looked exactly like James', except with Kyle's name on it.

"Just face it, you're talentless and stupid. Clearly, no one wants you. Just leave me alone, James. Just leave everyone alone." Kyle said, and he walked away, clearly pleased with himself. Tears flooded James' eyes. He didn't know what to say.

He ran up to the apartment and straight to his room. That was when James Diamond started crying. Never would anyone ever think that he would be the one to cry, but here he was, lying down on his bed sobbing.

Was there any way to relieve all this stress? James didn't think so. Nothing he could do would take all the hurt and pain from him. So many bad things have happened to him, he just couldn't take it. And now his friend turned on him. Kyle never really was his friend, James thought. He was just using him.

He got up and ran to the bathroom him and Carlos shared. He sobbed as he tried looking in the mirror. He looked like a train wreck. His face was pale, his eyes red from crying, exhausted. He did not look good at all.

He knew of only one way to relieve him of stress. He heard of people doing this before, but he knew it was wrong. But what other choice did he have?

Quickly, and without thinking, he grabbed a razor out of the cabinet and took the first, harmful cut into his skin.

James couldn't believe what he had done.

Blood immediately started pouring out of his arm. Panicking, he grabbed a towel. Droplets of blood started going down his arm like a tiny little river. He cleaned up the river of blood and pressed the towel against his wrist to stop any more blood from flowing out. His heart was beating rapidly and his mind raced.

"Why, why did I just do that?" James asked. He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth in pain. His wrist hurt like hell, he couldn't believe the pain. "Oh God, this hurts." He said, starting to cry.

He took the towel off his wrist to take a look at it. He winced as he saw more blood immediately start coming from the cut as he took the towel away. The towel, which was once white, now had a huge red blot on it. Little drops of blood were now on the sink. James wet another towel and quickly cleaned that up.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow," James repeated as he held the towel against his wrist. He knew he was in pain, he knew he was struggling, but why did he have to pick that way to relieve it?

What he did was just plain stupid, he thought. He just cut himself because he was suffering from emotional pain that was just him over thinking. What was wrong with him?

But then he got to thinking. When he cut, all his emotional pain stopped. He forgot about Kyle, the fans, the pills, the hurt. It all went away, and James felt a little bit better. He stopped crying and was now taking nice, deep breathes to help him calm down. He looked at his wrist. The bleeding had slowed down a little.

That wasn't so bad, James thought. The physical pain only lasted for a few minutes, and it wasn't as bad. I forgot all about my troubles, and that felt nice.

But James almost slapped himself. "What are you thinking, Diamond? You're happy because you just cut yourself? That's ridiculous!"

But then James thought a moment. It really did help his emotional pain go away. For a few minutes, all that pain disappeared, the hurt that he was feeling. He didn't feel that depressed anymore.

James took a deep breath in, then out. "Ok, I promise, I won't do that again, I won't." James thought. He waited a few minutes until the cut stopped bleeding, cleaned it up, and threw the towel in the garbage. "Never again." He said to himself as he walked out of the bathroom.

Never again


	12. Problems

**I'm sorry for such a long wait. Here's the next chapter, I hope you enjoy it :)**

That night, when he and Carlos were climbing into bed and James slid his shirt on over his body, Carlos couldn't help but notice James' wrist.

"Woah, dude, what happened to your wrist?!" Carlos said, stepping forward to take a better look at it.

James' heart started pounding and he grabbed it. "I, uh, when I was at the doctor's I hit it off the corner of a table." He lied. Carlos didn't say anything, but he eyed James suspiciously as the two finished getting dressed.

"I forgot to take my pill," James said, and he ran towards the bathroom. He just prayed that Carlos wouldn't ask anymore questions. As James shut and locked the bathroom door, Carlos just stared in his direction. He really was worried about him.

James just stared at himself in the mirror. He didn't like what he saw. It was one horrible thing that he cut himself in the first place, but now he was lying about it to his best friend. "So I'm a liar now?" James said to himself as he stared at his reflection. "I'm already talentless, invisible, and worthless, why not add liar to the list?"

"James, are you ok?" Carlos asked, knocking on the door.

"Yeah, I'm ok." He said.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm on my way out." James replied. He quickly took his pill and unlocked the bathroom door. "I'm fine. Now let's go to bed. I really need it."

Carlos eyed James as the tall, confused boy crawled into his bed. "Goodnight." James said to Carlos as he laid his head against the pillow. Carlos waited a moment as he watched James, then sighed and turned out the light.

"Goodnight."

That next morning, James was the first to wake up. "Well, I got four hours of sleep that night. What fun." He sighed and looked at his wrist. It was really red and looked pretty bad.

"You're such an ass, James, such an ass." He said to himself as he sighed and leaned against his pillows, just staring up at the ceiling. "I can't believe I let this go so far." He said. "I don't like it."

He just couldn't stop thinking about to yesterday, about the fan, about what Kyle said, about all the blood. He couldn't believe Kyle wasn't his friend, he couldn't believe he was using him. He really was trying to take his life.

He decided to check twitter, to see what other hurtful things people were saying about him. But who knows, maybe the rude comments died down.

Wrong again.

They were worse than ever before. His mentions were still being flooded with tweets telling him he should be replaced, telling him to leave Big Time Rush, insults, and even telling him to kill himself. He saw one tweet that read, "Go cut yourself." James sighed and mumbled under his breath, "I did."

"Hey buddy," Carlos said, yawning as he woke up. James quickly hid his phone. "You sleep at all?"

James yawned. "A little." He said.

"Don't worry, you'll be sleeping in no time. Doctor says." A tired Carlos replied. James grinned. Carlos rested his head back against his pillow and yanked the blanket over his face. James realized now he couldn't tell Carlos what happened. The poor boy was too innocent for that.

Since he couldn't sleep, James decided to just get dressed. But first he took out his phone and tweeted. He didn't care if hardly anyone cared for him anymore, he was doing it for the fans who did.

_Just woke up. Too early and can't sleep, haha._

As he got dressed, he looked down at his wrist. How was he possibly going to hide that? He quickly looked around the room for something. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw all his fan made bracelets sitting on his dresser.

"I'll just use those." He said to himself, and he quickly slipped a few on his left wrist. He glanced down at his wrist. The cut wasn't visible at all. Perfect.

When he walked into the lobby with the other guys, nobody questioned his wrist, although Carlos was giving skeptical eyes. It was like a normal, ordinary day.

Kendall and Logan walked beside Kyle, just talking like old friends. Carlos was kind of in the middle, not in the mood to talk to anyone that morning. But he did want to talk to James, about his wrist. But he let it go.

Kyle and James stayed far apart from each other. Although Kyle just smirked at James every now and then, James didn't say anything. He tried to tell himself Kyle was only trying to bring him down, that he was enjoying watching him fall, but he couldn't help but have a sinking feeling. He wouldn't let Kyle do that. James loved who he was and was proud of himself. But could it really be possible that James Diamond really was falling apart?

"DOGS! We can finally get some studio time in today. We need to get working right away on the new song." Gustavo said as the boys came into the studio. He handed each of the members of Big Time Rush sheets of paper with the song on it. As James looked through it, he noticed something was wrong.

"Gustavo, I always have solos, or I sing at some part of the song." James said, observing the sheets. "But I barely even sing in this song."

"We've gotten more requests for the other guys to have solos and less for you. We need to give the fans what they're asking for." Was Gustavo's reply. James' heart broke in two.

"Now, get in the booth and go over the song real quick! We have so much stuff to do and such little time to do it! And you have a day off tomorrow so we don't have much time!" Gustavo said. The four BTR guys headed into the booth to sing the song. James wanted to cry. He watched Kyle standing outside. He was laughing at him.

James sang background the entire song. He had no parts whatsoever. His heart was broken. He was once the favorite in the band, so many people liked him, now they didn't even want him to sing. His once "fans" were even telling him to kill himself now. He looked down at his wrist. He wasn't sorry he did that now.

When Gustavo said it was time for Kyle to get in the booth and record some of his songs, Kyle scoffed as he passed James. "Told you that you were just a fuck up." He laughed.

James was so glad when the day was finally over. He was glad he had a day off tomorrow. It would take his mind away from all the stress, and he could get away from Kyle. But best of all, he thought, was he'd get to spend the whole day with Victoria.

But on their way out, James and Kyle bumped into each other, causing Kyle to drop his phone. "What the fuck, James?" He said angrily as he bent down to pick it up. "Just fuck off!" He said, menacingly, and went towards the car. James was sick of his shit.

Upon arrival at the Palm Woods, James jumped out of the car and ran inside, just to escape from all the crazy people in the car. Well, he shouldn't count Carlos, he thought. He was his best friend, but he just wouldn't understand.

James felt a pang of relief when he saw Victoria in the lobby. She looked very excited. "James! James!" She called to him, excitedly running up to him and throwing her arms around him.

"Hey, why are you so happy?" James asked, smiling.

"James, I got the call today! I got the lead role in Amazing Grace!" Victoria said, excitedly. James grinned.

"Wow, that's so amazing! I'm so proud of you." He said as he wrapped her in a tight hug. "We should go and celebrate."

Victoria frowned. "I can't. I really wish I could, but I have to go through a read through and meet with the other members of the cast. Maybe tomorrow sometime. You do have a day off, don't you?" She said.

James sighed. "Yeah, I do." He said.

Victoria frowned again. "Don't be sad, James. I wish I could stay because I know you haven't been feeling good lately, but I really have to do this. But I PROMISE, cross my heart, that I'll see you tomorrow, ok?" She said. She gently kissed his lips.

"Yeah, ok." He said. Victoria kissed his cheek again.

"Don't be sad, it's only for a day." Victoria said, smiling. But she frowned when she looked down at his wrist. A look of horror flashed across her face. "Oh my God, what happened?" She asked, taking his hand to get a better look at it.

James, panicking, quickly pulled his hand away. "I was putting my hockey skates away and got my hand on the blade. No big deal, I'm fine." James lied.

It took Victoria a few moments before she could respond. "Ok, then. Just be careful when you do that, ok? You could get really hurt." She said.

James kissed her. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Now go to your table reading, you'll be amazing." He said.

Victoria smiled. "Ok, I love you. Goodbye." She said, and she quickly rushed out of the Palm Woods. James sighed. He was lying to his girlfriend now.

"Yeah James, be careful. We wouldn't want another 'accident' to happen while handling your skates." Kyle said, walking past him. He laughed and whispered, "You're better off hurting yourself." And he walked away. James couldn't believe it.

"Hey, James, you feeling ok?" Kendall asked, walking up to him. James hook his head. "Why's that?"

"Kyle is pissing me off! That's what's wrong." James said, angrily. He was almost yelling.

"What? Kyle? What has he done?" Kendall asked, seeming surprised that his friend could ever make someone mad.

"Kendall, haven't you noticed? He's seriously trying to take over my life. He's ruining it!" James said.

Kendall gave a disapproving laugh. "What do you mean? What are you talking about?" He asked.

James gave a fake laugh as he turned to Kendall. "Kendall, it's everything! He's taking my entire life! He's taking my fans, trying to steal my fame, and now he's making fun of me. He's doing so much I can't handle it!" James said, ready to pull his hair out.

"What? Kyle would never be rude to you! He'd never be rude to anyone! I don't believe it. Are you sure you're not just jealous?" Kendall asked.

James couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Jealous?! You think I'm jealous?" He asked.

"Well, it seems like that. James, I think you're just jealous because there's someone new and you can't handle all the attention being taken away from you. You always think you gotta be center of atrention but the very second another person comes in, it's World War 3 between you guys. You're just jealous of him because you're not the center of attention anymore!" Kendall said, sounding very angry.

"I kind of agree with Kendall, James. It does seem that way." Logan said, walking up beside Kendall. James couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Fine." James said. He began to walk away. "Now you guys are turning on me, just like Kyle did." And he ran up the steps to the second floor.

Tears started forming at the base of James' eyes. Now his friends were even turning on him. He couldn't take it, he just couldn't. By the time he reached his room he was sobbing again.

He ran into the bathroom and locked the door. He put his head in his hands and cried. Why was life being so hard on him? It was Kyle. It was all Kyle's fault. This is exactly what Kyle wanted, for James to break down. And James was breaking. He really was beginning to break.

And nobody could hear his screams of silence, calling out for just one helping hand.

Without even thinking, he grabbed his razor again. He was sick of this shit. If this was the only thing that could help him relieve his stress, then he'd do it.

He cut again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Until he had several rows of cuts on his left arm, blood flowing from them all.

He was breathing a lot faster than he normally was. He wasn't even focused, it was like he was caught in some sort of trance. Realizing the pain, he just stared forward, still breathing fast, trying to recover. He looked at his arm. It was really red. Blood started to drip from his arm onto the sink and floor, but James couldn't do anything.

As his breathing evened out, he closed his eyes and sighed. His arm was bleeding uncontrollably, he knew he'd have to clean it soon. He grabbed a towel and start wiping it up, but the towel immediately turned red from blood and he had to grab another, trying to stop the bleeding. Blood was now covering the sink and sticking to the floor. But James didn't cry. He was in too much pain. But he was feeling good.

The cuts this time were deeper and much, much worse. James winced and nearly cried out in pain as he pressed a towel up against his arm to stop the bleeding. But he realized something. He wasn't feeling emotional pain anymore. He actually felt fine.

After his arm slowed down from bleeding, he wet another towel and began to clean the sink and floor. Already the blood was drying, and it would taking a lot of scrubbing to get all that blood cleaned up. Carlos would no doubt be up there soon, so at this point James began to panic.

The blood cleaned up rather easily, and the sink water turned dark red as he washed everything. When he was all done, he closed his eyes and breathed. He didn't know who he was anymore. He opened his eyes and looked in the mirror. What he saw looking back at him wasn't the James he knew.

He sighed and exited the bathroom. He didn't know who he was or what to do anymore. Things weren't the way they should be.

He decided he should go to sleep. He needed it. Victoria was at her table reading and the boys were off doing who-knows-what. Kendall and Logan were probably with Kyle. But Carlos, who knew. Maybe he knew James was stressed out and just needed his space.

James got dressed, yelping in pain every time a piece of his clothing got snagged on his cuts. He glanced down at his wrist. It looked horrible. It looked like about 40 cats came at him and attacked him all at once. But James felt no remorse.

He crawled into bed, the room completely darkened and silent, and closed his eyes. This was when he started to cry. He just let all of his feelings out right there, until he fell asleep.

He woke up unbelievably early that next morning. He glanced at the clock. It was about 5:30 in the morning. He woke up several times that night. The pills weren't really working that well, but James remembered that the doctor said it would take a little while for them to take full affect. "Just give it a few days and you'll be sleeping regularly," she had said.

James looked over at Carlos' bed. The smaller boy was sleeping soundly. James felt heartbroken for him. He didn't really know why, maybe because he was his best friend and he didn't like keeping secrets from him.

James got up and quietly walked out of the room. No point in trying to sleep, he thought. He was just going to wake up again anyway.

He went downstairs, trying to be as quiet as possible, and went to the kitchen. He got a glass of water and took a sip. He sighed. He took another look at his wrist. It looked even worse than it did yesterday. It was really red and a little swollen. There was no use hiding the fact that he cut himself now. What would he tell Victoria if she saw? He'd just hide it with his bracelets like he did yesterday.

He sat on the couch and played video games until everyone else began to wake up. Kendall was the first one to come bounding down the stairs, texting on his phone. He was followed by Logan. Carlos was still in bed.

Kendall, Logan and James exchanged some looks. Kendall and Logan didn't talk to him or go near him or anything, they just got something small to eat as they got ready. Since their argument yesterday, things have been awkward between them. And poor Carlos was stuck in the middle.

"Any place special that you're going to where you have to leave this early?" James asked, breaking the silence. He tried not to sound like he was pissed off, but he really was.

"Hanging out with Kyle." Came Kendall's response. And the two of them left without another word. James looked in their direction. A little upset, but he was beginning to not care about them anymore. Ever since they began hanging out with Kyle they became meaner and didn't really want to talk to him anymore. But that's ok, James thought. Nobody does anymore.

James, still sitting in his pajamas, continued to play video games. Katie came downstairs then, and walked over to him.

"You're not going to hang out with Kyle with them?" She asked. James shook his head. "Why not?" She asked. James just shrugged.

"Are you going somewhere?" He asked her, his eyes focused on the screen as he played Call of Duty.

"Hanging out by the pool, just gonna stay down there for a while if my mom asks. See ya later, James." She said, and she left. James didn't say a word. He just continued playing the game.

Carlos was still upstairs, sleeping. James was jealous, he wished he could sleep in. He didn't even care about sleeping in, he just wanted to sleep. He was getting real sick of not being able to sleep, he was always tired. But he remembered what the doctor said, taking the pills will help him. If only he had antidepressants. Because depressed would be the exact word to describe him then.

Again, he glanced down at his wrist. It looked absolutely horrible. It was definitely going to scar, James thought. Some of the cuts were deep, some weren't. James paused the game and ran his fingers across his arm. When they brushed across the cuts, James winced in pain and quickly yanked his hand away. They burned, bad. When he touched them, it felt as though his whole arm was set ablaze. James sighed and continued playing his game.

_You deserve to hurt yourself._

James still couldn't believe Kyle had said that. His once friend, who he thought really did appreciate him and thought of him as a friend, was now telling him he deserved to hurt himself.

But maybe Kyle was right, James thought. What if he really was better off hurting himself?

'No! Diamond, you're being the most ridiculous person ever,' James thought to himself as he continued to play, not taking his eyes off the screen.

'Why would you even think like that about yourself? I know people who start cutting get addicted and can't stop. But that won't happen to me, I know. It did feel good though…'

James knew he needed something to keep him happy, anything to distract him. If he kept it up, he'd be addicted to cutting himself. He didn't want that. He did it twice in the past two days, and that was enough. He decided he'd text Victoria.

He paused the game and grabbed his phone. He smiled when he saw her picture inside his phone, the two of them together, smiling and arms wrapped around each other. He really did love her. More than anything.

_Hey beautiful :) Are we still hanging out today? 333_

James smiled. He loved sending her cute texts. He knew she loved them. But what he really wanted was to see her. He was feeling so depressed lately, he just needed to see his girlfriend to make him smile. A few minutes later he was ecstatic to get a text from her, but his face saddened once he read the reply.

_I'm so sorry James! I can't, I have to go to a photo shoot for the whole cast on our first day :( Maybe another day?_

James felt like crying. He was feeling so upset and now he couldn't even see the one thing that's been making him smile, the one girl that can help him through his hardest times. Holding back sadness, he replied,

_Sure, that's fine. Have fun today3_

She replied:

_Ok, just let me know if you're upset, ok? Love you3_

He knew he shouldn't be feeling too upset, her career was starting and she was starting to have a really busy schedule. He had a busy one too, and that always kept them from hanging out at times when they were just friends. But he couldn't help but still feel miserable.

"Maybe I should go out for a walk later today, just to clear my head." James said to himself. But he looked out the window and frowned when he saw the skies were growing black.

"Oh great, that's making my day a whole lot better." James sighed. Sure enough, he heard thunder and the drizzle of rain beginning. He hung his head down low and sighed again. It just wasn't his day.

He wondered why Carlos hadn't come down yet. He knew he was a late sleeper, but he surely would've come downstairs or fell down the stairs or moaned or did some sort of thing to let everyone know he was awake and not to bother him. James just got a hunch he should go and check on him.

So he went upstairs to the bedroom the two shared. As he approached the door, he heard coughing and Carlos groaning. He opened the door to find Carlos tossing and turning, throwing a coughing fit.

"Woah, you look awful." James said as he entered the room.

"I'm…sick…" Carlos managed to choke out in between coughs. But it didn't sound like coughs, it sounded like he was trying to hack something out of his stomach.

"You're burning up." James said, feeling Carlos' forehead. "And you look so pale." James said. He looked down at his poor, sick friend.

"I…can't…" Carlos tried to say between coughs, but the poor boy was far too weak to say anything.

"No, don't say anything. You stay right here in bed. I'll go get Mrs. Knight, she'll know what to do." James said. He quickly left the room and found Mrs. Knight waking up in her bedroom.

"Carlos is sick." He said, opening the door.

"Oh no, how sick?" She asked, quickly getting out of bed.

"VERY sick, and I mean like he sounds like he's going to die any second sick. He's coughing and hacking and he has a fever and he's really pale and looks like a corpse, basically." James said.

Mrs. Knight rushed upstairs, James following her. Upon seeing Carlos' condition, she sighed. "I'll call the doctor." She said. "We may have to take him to the emergency room."

"NO HOSPITALS!" Carlos said, flinging up out of bed.

"Carlos, you'll HAVE to go!" Mrs. Knight said. Carlos was too weak to protest. He clenched his teeth, winced, grabbed his stomach, and fell back into bed, groaning and moaning.

"Make the call, FAST." James said. Mrs. Knight quickly ran to go get a phone while James stayed with Carlos. James sadly looked over his sick friend. He completely forgot about his own problems at that moment. He just wanted his best friend to be ok.


	13. Worse

**I hope you all enjoy this part! I love reading your reviews, they make me smile :)**

It wasn't easy getting Carlos to the hospital. Kendall and Logan were no where to be found, so James and Mrs. Knight did it themselves. The wait wasn't good, either. While Carlos was being examined, Mrs. Knight and James sat in the waiting room, Mrs. Knight pacing back and forth, occasionally stopping to stare out the window.

James, on the other hand, sat stone cold in a chair, just staring forward, fidgeting with his bracelets. Dozens of scars, so many cuts, concealed behind beautiful bracelets. But that was the least of James' worries. He wasn't even worried someone would find out. Because when someone as famous as James receives bracelets from fans, and is always wearing them, you don't suspect anything.

"Are you looking for news on Carlos Garcia?" A voice said. James and Mrs. Knight saw it was the doctor, giving them the news it seemed they waited eternity for.

"Yes, we are. Is he ok?" Mrs. Knight asked, very worried. James stood next to her, equally worried, hands still fidgeting.

"Carlos is going to be fine." The doctor said. Relief swept over James and Mrs. Knight. "He's got a really, awful case of the flu and a terrible stomach virus, a head cold, a cough…this is one sick boy." The doctor continued.

"But he'll be ok though, right?" Mrs. Knight asked, nervous.

"Yes, he should be fine. He can go home today, but we're going to give you some medication to give him and some things to help him get better. James if you want to stay with Carlos while me and Mrs. Knight talk things over, you can."

He pointed down a long hallway. "He's right down there." The doctor said. When he started to walk away with Mrs. Knight, James just stared down the hallway. This was only adding onto his list of "good things" that are happening to him.

"Today is just not my day." James said as he walked down the hallway.

"Hey, you ok?" James said, knocking on Carlos' room door and entering. Carlos shook his head and closed his eyes. James looked at the sick boy. 'Poor thing,' he thought to himself.

"You get to go home." James said, stroking Carlos' hair. "I know you hate hospitals."

Carlos didn't say anything.

"I'll stay by your side every minute, don't you worry." James said. "I'm always here for you."

James thought he saw a slight grin on Carlos' face. Carlos then, not opening his eyes, said, "Thanks, buddy."

James grinned. "Anything for my best friend."

When they got home later that day, James helped Mrs. Knight take Carlos straight up to his room.

"The doctor said he needed plenty of rest, and that we shouldn't bother him. And no loud noises. He's got a major migraine." Mrs. Knight said.

James gave a chuckle. "Is there anything you don't have?" He said.

"Shut up James." Carlos said, weakly. He grinned.

"Ok, we should let Carlos get his sleep." Mrs. Knight said. "James, I need to go to the store and I'll be gone for a while, call me if something happens." She said, and she left, leaving the two boys alone.

"Get some sleep, munchkin." James said, patting his friend on the shoulder. Carlos glared at James.

"You know, you're so glad I'm sick or I'd kill you." He said. James just laughed.

"Yeah, you do that, Sicky." He said, laughing at his own humor.

He heard voices downstairs, and recognized Kendall and Logan's voices. "Hey, I'll be back. You get some sleep, you hear?" He said, and he went downstairs.

"Where the hell have you been all day?!" James said, slightly yelling as he came downstairs to face the two boys.

"We've been with Kyle! You know that, James." Kendall said.

"We heard about Carlos and came home." Logan replied.

"Yeah, well you know where I've been all day? At the hospital, all fucking day! While you two were off doing who knows what with your new best friend, I've been sitting by a sick boy's bedside for God only knows how many hours when you guys were no where to be found!" James said, screaming.

"James, relax." Kendall said, annoyed by his tone.

"You know what, no, I won't relax. How is that possible? When my friends desert me and don't care about me anymore and go "hang out" with the person who hates me most, when my best friend, the person who stayed by me the most, is so sick he can't even move, and so much stress is piling up on my shoulders that I feel like I'm gonna explode any second?!" James screamed. All was silent for a few moments.

"Maybe if he exploded we wouldn't have to hear these ridiculous speeches again." Logan mumbled, casually texting on his phone.

James was fuming. "You know what guys, get out, just get out of my sight. I cant bear to even look at you! And you're right Logan, maybe if I was dead, the world would be a better place! Everyone else sure would enjoy it!" James screamed.

"Fine! We don't need you either!" Kendall shouted back. He and Logan angrily stomped out of the apartment, leaving it dead silent.

And there James stood. Tears in his eyes. Confused, hurt, and broken. Just completely broken.

The rain from the oncoming storm pounded against the windows as James began crying. He didn't know what to do. He ran the closet in the hallway.

He slammed the door shut, sunk to the floor, buried his head in his hands, and cried. Just, cried. There he sat, alone in that dark closet. Alone. That's what he really was, he thought. Alone.

Things have taken a turn for the worse for James. He used to be such a happy, carefree person, popular, someone everyone loved and wanted to talk to. Before all of this, he was _the _face. James Diamond was _the _face_._

Now he was just a face. A lonely, scared, confused face.

A face screaming in silence, just wanting to be heard.

After a little while, James finally stood up and wiped his eyes. Nobody cared about him anymore, nobody cared what happened to him. If something happened to him, no one would notice, or even care.

Maybe what Logan was trying to say was right. Maybe if he was dead, the world would be a better place.

James went upstairs to he and Carlos' room. Carlos was sleeping, and James headed straight for the bathroom.

Once he securely locked the door, he looked at the array of bracelets that covered his arms. Different colors, different sayings, some hand crafted some not. He took them all and flung them to the floor, revealing the many rows of cuts on his arms, the cuts that reminded him he was just a nothing. James suddenly took back everything he said about not wanting to cut. He took back what he said about never doing it again and that he would stop. He couldn't stop. He didn't want to. He wanted it. He needed it.

Repeating the same procedure as the last few times, he took his blade and dragged it across his arm. Instantly, blood started pouring out of it and pain overtook him. He didn't care. He wanted more. He continued. And the cuts got deeper.

And deeper.

Soon, the sink was covered in little pools of blood. James looked over what he had done.. He laid his arm across the sink, admiring all the cuts he made. He now had cuts on both arms, but his left arm was what looked sickening.

Blood poured from the new cuts, ran down his arm, and dripped onto the sink. James leaned against the wall and sighed. He couldn't feel his arm-it was too numb. It went from absolute pain to not feeling anything at all.

James closed his eyes and thought back to what Kendall said about relaxing. James gave a weary smile. He looked down at his bleeding, cut-up arm and kept smiling.

Now, he could finally relax.

With Carlos still extremely sick and immobile, Mrs. Knight still gone, Katie gone somewhere, and Kendall and Logan not talking to him, James sat in the bathroom, his arm cleaned up, staring at his phone.

He kept reading the hate tweets, to remind himself he wasn't good enough, that he wasn't worth it. He didn't care anymore. He just didn't care.

All day Victoria didn't text him, she didn't even call him. That only made him more upset. He sent her numerous text messages, but she didn't answer any of them, none of them were even read.

This went on all day. Mrs. Knight came home, but she was super busy taking care of Carlos and cleaning up the house. James didn't even bother trying to conceal his arm from her. It looked absolutely awful. Someone would probably want to cry or vomit if they even glanced at it, it looked so horrible. But James didn't care. If no one else was going to care, he wouldn't, either.

When it was time for bed, James took his pill and was about to crawl into bed when Mrs. Knight stopped him.

"James, I don't think it's a good idea for you to sleep in the same room as Carlos." She said. "You could catch something from him. Maybe you could stay with Kendall and Logan."

James immediately shook his head. "No thanks." He said. He picked up his pillow and blanket. "I'd rather sleep on the couch." He walked right past her and downstairs without another word.

He'd rather sleep outside in the raging storm than sleep in the same room as Kendall and Logan. He even hated the fact he was in the same apartment as them.

"James, I really think you should stay with someone." Mrs. Knight said, talking to James from the top of the balcony by the swirly slide.

"I'll take my chances down here, thanks." He said, testy. "I'd rather eat scorpions than stay with them." He then mumbled under his breath.

Mrs. Knight sighed and shook her head, and walked back to check on Carlos for the night. As James rested his head against his pillow, he found himself crying again. He didn't know why, he was just crying. He pulled the blanket over his body and buried his face into his pillow to muffle his quiet sobs.

The boys were supposed to go to work that next morning, but the storm knocked the power out and some of the computers and equipment at Rocque Records failed, so Gustavo gave the boys a couple days off until they could get everything fixed.

Everyone was relieved, but James was a little upset. He knew he was getting yelled at too much at work, but he thought it would be something to take his mind off things. Not like Carlos could go anyway. Poor boy was still extremely sick.

The first thing James did when he got up was check his phone. No new messages. He sighed and checked if Victoria read any of his messages. Nope.

He really didn't want to annoy her, or come off as too clingy, but he was starting to get worried. He took his phone and texted her, yet again,

_Hey, you ok? Haven't talked to you since yesterday, just wondered if everything was alright._

He yawned and stretched. He hadn't tossed and turned too much last night, so it was a start. He just really wished he could get a good night's sleep without any interruptions, nightmares, nights just lying awake, or anything. He just wanted things back the way they should be.

"The power is out so we won't have electricity for a while." Mrs. Knight announced, walking into the kitchen.

"The power is knocked out at Rocque Records, too. We can't go into work until the equipment gets fixed and or replaced." James mumbled from underneath his blanket.

Mrs. Knight sighed. "At least we have heat. We already have one sick boy, I don't need 3 more."

James just yawned. He was incredibly tired. He winced. His arm really hurt. It burned like someone had just set it ablaze. James clenched his teeth as he ran his fingers over the cuts.

"There's really nothing to do today since the electricity is out and it's storming outside, so maybe you can try to get some rest, James." Mrs. Knight said.

"I have no problem with that." James said, lying his head back down on his pillow and closing his eyes. He felt like all he wanted to do for the rest of his life was sleep.

He tried shutting his eyes, tried getting that one little ounce of sleep that he so desperately needed, but his mind was a million other places.

He thought about life before Kyle, how everyone loved him and talked to him and treated him like a person. How he could smile and talk to everyone without getting yelled at. Where his mentions on twitter were almost all nice messages. Where Kendall and Logan were his best friends, and not strangers.

But then, he thought about the hate. All of the hate he received. Fans yelling at him, Kyle turning on him, Kendall and Logan avoiding him, people telling him to kill himself, the cutting.

He wanted to cry.

But he wasn't going to let himself cry. He's done too much of that already, he didn't want to cry anymore. But he felt he had to. He wanted to. It made him feel better.

James just wanted to smile, he just needed to be happy, and the only person who could make him feel happy was practically deadly sick. James honestly just didn't know what to do anymore.

"I feel like I just wanna die…" He said, slowly drifting off to sleep. "I just wanna die…"


	14. The Nightmare Continues

Nightmares. He started having a horrible nightmare. He dreamt that he was running from a large cloud of darkness, high up on a deserted cliff, with nothing but sand and a valley in the distance. He was so afraid of the darkness closing in on him he didn't realize how high up the cliff was.

He kept running. Faster and faster and faster and faster. He looked back, and saw this darkness was getting larger, and gaining up on him. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster, but his legs wouldn't let him go any faster.

He looked back again. The darkness was getting closer and closer and started making eerie noises. James could practically hear his heart pounding in his chest as he ran. But, without warning, he tripped and fell right off the cliff, plummeting down with the darkness behind him.

He woke up screaming.

"James! James, what's the matter?!" Mrs. Knight asked, hearing his screams and rushing over to his side. James tried to even his breath out, but he couldn't stop panting. He felt like he was still running.

"Just a nightmare…but I'm fine." James said, relaxing his shoulders. Mrs. Knight gave him a skeptical look, like she didn't believe him.

"Are you sure you're ok? You seem to be in a bad mood lately." She said. She felt his forehead. "You don't feel or look sick." She said. She eyed him over. "Are you sure you're feeling ok?"

"Yes, I am sure I'm ok." James said, irritated, pronouncing each word slowly so she could hear him. "I'm just a little tired. I'm gonna try to go back to sleep." James pulled his blanket over his head and flipped to his other side, so his back was facing Mrs. Knight. Mrs. Knight eyed him curiously and sadly. She hated seeing him like this. But she got up and walked away, thinking.

But James just couldn't sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about the dream, about everything that was going on in his life. He wanted so desperately to check twitter, to read all of the hate he was getting, but he knew that was a bad idea. But anyway, they were only telling him the truth, right? He thought they were only reminding him how terrible he was and that he maybe really shouldn't be there, that maybe he really should go kill himself.

"No! James Diamond, don't you ever think like that!" James silently scolded himself. "If you ever think like that again…ughhh!" James buried his face in his hands and took a deep sigh. Maybe he really was broken, falling apart.

Just thinking about the cuts on his arm caused them to burn. Making sure nobody was around, he pulled up his sleeve and took a look. He wanted to cry at what he saw. His arm was all cut up and red and dried blood was in between some of the cuts. James only ever thought he'd see something like that on TV, or in a music video or something, but here it was, right in front of him.

He grabbed his phone and checked his messages. None. Victoria didn't even read the messages he sent her yesterday.

He decided to try and call her, because he was starting to get worried. He knew she was busier now because she got a role on a TV show, but he still had to know. She was his girlfriend, he was always worried about her.

But there turned out to be no signal. Even the WiFi was down because of the storm. James sighed. "Just great." He mumbled to himself. "Just fucking great."

He sighed and slammed his pillow over his face. He groaned into the pillow. He just wished life would get better, that life would just get back to how it was before Kyle ever came to the Palm Woods.

He groaned at even the slightest thought of Kyle's name. That kid made his life hell. Why couldn't Kendall and Logan see what he was doing to him? He's been best friends with them for so many years, they were all like brothers, why wouldn't they believe him? Why wouldn't they at least say something instead of turning on James as well?

"Because I'm nothing but a fuck up." James said. He was now believing every word that he received, every single piece of hate he was told, he was starting to believe it all.

He looked at his arm. He didn't even feel sad or sick whenever he looked at it anymore. "I should just cut until my arm falls off." James mumbled under his breath. He just didn't care anymore.

"I'm gonna go check on Carlos." James said. He got up and walked towards the bedroom. He slowly opened the door and peeked his head in.

"Hey Carlos, how're you doing?" He whispered. A cough from the younger boy was the response. James sighed and walked over to him. He stared down at poor Carlos' face. Carlos' eyes were shut and his face looked pale. He looked as though he were in a lot of pain.

"Hang in there, buddy, you'll feel better soon. I promise." James said, rubbing Carlos' hair slowly. Carlos didn't reply, he couldn't. James then proceeded to walk out the door, but the bathroom door caught his eye. He wanted so desperately to walk in there, to take his razor and just cut and cut and cut until all his pain was gone. He was so confused, he was torn between walking away or practically maiming himself.

He took a deep breath. "No, not now. You can control this. Don't let them get to you." James said. And he walked away.

James didn't really see much of Kendall and Logan that day. Everyone basically stayed inside their rooms all day, practically wrapped in blankets because there was now very little heat. Mrs. Knight kept insisting that James stay with Kendall and Logan, but each time he refused. He felt happier on the couch.

It was three days before the storm let up and the equipment at Rocque Records was up and running again. Power lines and roads were still damaged, but it was safe to return to work and everyday life. The heat came back on, and the electricity was slowly coming back.

James dreaded going back to work. He wished that the storm could've lasted forever so he'd never have to face anyone again. He much preferred staying inside than going out and getting hate.

But he still had to do it. And as usual, the boys all met up with Kyle in the lobby and went to the car waiting for them outside the Palm Woods. To be honest, this was probably one of the first times he's came in contact with Logan and Kendall the last few days. He hasn't heard anything from Kyle either.

But Carlos was still sick. He wouldn't be able to go to work for a few more days. That put some of their recording on hold but they'd get done what they could get done.

James also hasn't seen Victoria in those few days. They texted each other a few times, but that was it. Victoria was apparently super busy and didn't have the time to see him. It made James' heart sink in his chest.

The other three boys were giving James dirty looks, and it made him feel awkward. There was silence between the four of them, and James felt like he just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of his life.

But his heart sped up when he saw Victoria by the door, looking anxious, like she was late. She kept looking out the window with a nervous look on her face, like she was waiting for someone.

James got the biggest grin on his face and rushed forward. He grabbed her from behind and gave her a tight hug. She jumped, not expecting his surprise attack.

"James! What are you doing?" She asked, trying to free herself from his grasp. James just smiled.

"I've been waiting to see you all week, Victoria. I've missed you so much." James said.

"I'm sorry, I've been busy." Victoria said, not sounding very happy. James frowned and let her go.

"I'm sorry if I made you mad." James said, sad. Victoria frowned and looked out the window one more time.

She sighed. "I'm sorry, James, it's just that I've been really busy lately and I'm not getting enough sleep, so I'm a little irritated. And my ride taking me to the studio is late." She said. "I've got no time now."

"Sorry." James said, and he looked down at his feet. Victoria frowned, but then kissed him on the cheek.

"Look, James, I really am sorry I haven't been spending time with you. I know you haven't been feeling good these past few weeks, so I promise I'll spend some time with you soon, cross my heart." Victoria said. She tiptoed so she could reach his face and gently kissed him.

"I'll see if I can come home from work early someday this week so we can spend some time together. No promises, but I'll do my very, very best, ok?" A car horn sounded from outside. "That's my ride." Victoria said. She kissed James one more time and headed out the door. "Bye James, Kendall, Logan, Kyle!" She said before she disappeared around the corner. James smiled. Maybe life wasn't so bad at all.

"Let's go, you've wasted enough of our time already." Kendall said, and Logan and Kyle followed him out the door. James frowned. The good moment was suddenly gone.

The car ride to the studio was silent. It was the most awkward silence James has ever experienced. The other three boys either ignored him or angrily glared at him the entire ride there. James tried to avoid their evil stares the best he could. Nobody seemed to question the many bracelets he wore.

When the car finally pulled up to Rocque Records after what seemed like an eternity, James was the first to jump out of the car. He ran into the building as fast as he could, just to get away from the three backstabbers still in the car.

As he reached the studio floor, he ran into Gustavo. "James! Slow down! You're going to hurt somebody." Gustavo said, sounding angry.

"Sorry." James mumbled. Behind him, Kendall, Logan and Kyle were coming into the studio, talking and laughing, totally oblivious to James. Just like everyone else seemed to be.

"So, Gustavo, what are we going to be working on today?" Kendall asked. Gustavo's mood changed from being totally angry and unpleasant towards James to totally kind and trusting towards the other three.

"Well, Kendall, today we're going to be working on some lyrics for the new album, possibly record some vocals, although we can't really do much without Carlos. But I'd also like to work with Kyle a little bit today. You see, more and more people have been demanding his music and I'm afraid we're going to have a riot of angry girls here soon if we don't do that." Gustavo laughed. "So we'll get started on that first, and then I'll work with you two."

"What about me?" James asked.

Gustavo rolled his eyes. "Always gotta be about James, doesn't it." He mumbled under his breath. "I don't know. We'll see if we can work on you today. Lord only knows you need a lot of work."

James knew he shouldn't feel bad, but Gustavo's words really hurt. Tears started welling up in his eyes as everyone else walked away. Heartbroken, he slowly followed them.

All day, James stood in the very back of everyone, just watching them. All throughout the day, Gustavo didn't even look at him or give him any chance at all. It was all Kendall, Logan and Kyle all day. Kyle smirked at James when Gustavo put him in the recording booth to practice one of his songs, and James was hurt. He knew what Kyle was doing now. He was trying to take his place in Big Time Rush.

When it was time for their break, James made sure he was the first person out of the studio. He felt like crying. He hid behind a wall and was about to break down whenever he heard voices coming towards him. He looked and saw it was the other boys.

James ran forward and his behind another wall as the boys talked and laughed like they were old friends. They all stopped to talk for a while, and James listened.

"Man, you're doing amazing! I've never seen somebody make as much progress as you are!" Kendall said.

"Yeah Kyle, you've definitely got some talent! I'm definitely jealous." Logan said.

Kyle grinned. "Thanks guys, it really does mean a lot. I mean, this is my dream, and for it now to be finally coming true and for you guys to be saying I've got talent and potential means everything to me."

James rolled his eyes.

For a few minutes, they just talked about Kyle's upcoming album and things like that, and James was about to walk away when he heard his name.

"Hey guys, let's talk about something that I know is bothering all of us." Kyle said.

"And what's that?" Logan asked.

"James."

James froze. He peeked his head around the corner a little more to see what else was going on.

"I mean, come on, you gotta admit he really has been screwing things up a lot lately." Kyle said. "He can barely hit any of his notes, and he's always in the way. He just seems so, so, so…"

"Annoying." Kendall interrupted Kyle. James' heart sank.

"Yeah, I have to agree. I mean, James has just turned into this little fuck up lately. I've about had it with him." Logan said, disgust in his voice.

"Sorry for what I'm about to say guys, but to be honest, I don't think he belongs in Big Time Rush." Kyle said. James's eyes welled up with tears.

"To be honest, I've been thinking the same thing lately." Kendall said.

"Me too." Logan replied.

James couldn't take anymore of this. Not wanting to hear another word, he ran away, tears falling down his face. He had had enough.

James didn't want to get in the car with them when it was time to go home. He walked home, or he ran. But he couldn't go back to the Palm Woods because he knew everyone hated him there. He didn't know what to do anymore, it was like he didn't belong anywhere anymore. He decided to just stay away from the Palm Woods as long as he possibly could. So he took a walk through the park downtown.

Hands in his pockets and his head down, James walked through the park, thinking, in a desperate attempt to clear his head. He was in such an emotional tizzy lately he knew he had to do _something _before he completely lost all control.

He stayed away from everyone else in the park, not that it would matter anyway. He just wanted to be alone. But it seems life was already giving him enough of that.

But as he was walking, he heard some girls laughing and freaking out. He stopped and turned his attention towards them. He saw them several feet in front of him, their backs turned to him, oblivious that he was even there, on a park bench. James watched the three girls for a minute to see what was up with them.

"Damn! This guy is amazing!" One girl with blonde hair said. She grinned wildly as she put her headphone up to her ear and her friend took the other one.

"Casey, I'm so glad you told me about this guy, he is definitely amazing!" A red head said. The blonde nodded.

"What did I tell you? This Kyle person is fucking amazing! And totally gorgeous." She said.

The other girl, a girl with long, wavy black hair and who was wearing way too much make up, laughed. "You got that right. And he's not recording far! Only at Rocque Records!" She said.

"Ughhh, I've GOT to meet him! Apparently Alexandra did and she said he gives the best hugs! I'm so jealous." The blonde said.

"Hey, you know there's talk that he's going to duet with Big Time Rush on a couple of songs? And possibly sing LIVE with them at their next concert?!" The red head said. The other two girls freaked out.

"NO WAY!" They screamed. The red head nodded.

"God, that would be PERFECT!" The blonde said. "I absolutely ADORE Kyle AND Big Time Rush!"

James smiled.

"But not that James guy." The black haired girl said. James frowned again. The other two girls agreed.

"Definitely. Kendall, Carlos and Logan are beyond perfection but James, he's just so, so, how can I put this…stupid." The blonde said, a disgusted look on her face. James' heart sank in his chest once more.

"If you asked me, I think Kyle should take James' place." The black haired girl said. "I mean, he's better looking, he's got way more talent then James, and I think it would make everything better.

James couldn't stand to listen to anymore of that. He ran. He didn't know where he was going, he just ran.

He decided to go back to the Palm Woods. In an attempt to avoid everyone else's hateful glares and comments, he went through the back door and straight to his apartment. As he raced up the stairs, tears falling down his face, he thought. Was he really that much of a screw up? Did people actually hate him enough that they wanted him replaced? Did people actually hate him enough to tell him to go kill himself?

He ran into the apartment and up to his and Carlos' room. Carlos was feeling a little bit better, so James could probably stay in his own room soon. He was glad, because he hated sleeping on the couch.

But he found that Carlos wasn't there. In fact, the whole apartment was deserted. He saw a note left by Mrs. Knight on his bedroom door. It read,

_Took Carlos to the doctors, be back later._

As usual, James was alone.

He sat on his bed, put his head in his hands, and cried. He just sat there and cried. He was so broken, he just wanted to end it, he just wanted it all to go away. He just wanted all the pain and hurt to stop and everything return back to normal. He was hated by everyone, nobody even wanted him around anymore. It was like he was invisible to everyone.

It was all Kyle's fault. Stupid Kyle's fault, he thought. Kyle had completely taken over his whole life, he took everything. His fans, his career, even his friends. It was like James didn't even matter anymore.

"Stupid Kyle thinks he's the best." James said to himself. "He just thinks he's great because he's got so much talent and that he can write his own songs." He sighed and wiped a tear from his eye. "It doesn't matter, anyway. Because I don't matter anymore." He said, and he lied down.


	15. Trouble

**Hey guys! First of all, thanks so much for reading and reviewing, it really does mean a lot! Well, we're getting really, really close to the climax of the story, and I think you guys will like it! Well, enjoy!**

James woke up that next morning to the feeling of a hand on his shoulder. "Hey buddy." The voice said. James opened his eyes to see that it was Carlos.

"Hey." James said, smiling. "I thought you were sick." He said, getting up from his bed and stretching.

"Yeah," Carlos said, his voice scratchy. "I still am, but I'm feeling so much better than I did. The doctor just said to take it easy for a few more days and to rest my voice, so no going to work for me."

"Must be nice."

"It is now that I can walk." Both James and Carlos laughed. James was glad that Carlos was actually feeling better enough that he could talk to James. Maybe Carlos could lift his spirits a little.

James checked the clock. 8:15. His eyes grew wide. "Oh my God I'm late for work!" He said.

"No, no, no, no you're not." Carlos said, trying to calm him down. Carlos' voice was barely above speaking level because he could barely talk.

"What? What do you mean I'm not late? I had to be at work at 7 in the morning! It's almost half past 8!" James said.

"Well, Gustavo called this morning and said he just needed Kendall and Logan, and that you should stay home today." Carlos said. James' heart broke. Gustavo didn't even want him in the studio anymore.

"Everything ok, buddy?" Carlos asked, worried. For a few moments, James just stared forward, feeling like he was going to cry again. "James? Are you alright?"

James snapped out of it. "What? Sorry, buddy. Yeah, I'm ok, I promise. Now since I'm apparently off today and you're feeling a little better, let's do something together, huh? We can go play video games, let's go." James said, and he left the room and went downstairs. Carlos stared sadly after him.

The next few days were basically the same. Gustavo called James off for several days in a row, and barely used him when he did come into work. Carlos could finally go back to work, and James was glad because when he actually went into the studio he felt alone.

Victoria was still really busy, James didn't get to hang out with her at all. He saw her in the lobby every morning and when he got home from work, but she was either too busy or too tired. He also barely saw her walking around the Palm Woods anymore. He tried calling her and texting her, but she never replied over half the time.

The hate got worse and worse. It was all James saw on twitter now. All he saw was fans praising Kendall, Carlos and Logan, idolizing Kyle, and telling James he should just go and kill himself.

One day, they had a signing in front of the music store in the mall again. They were going to perform a few songs and then meet some fans afterward, and Kyle was going with them. Everyone seemed excited for this, except for James. James was, to be honest, really, really scared.

Everything was all set up when they got there. There was a stage set up in the middle of the mall, and their table was all set up by the store. People surrounded the stage on all sides and even on the upper and lower levels were people cheering and chanting, waiting for Big Time Rush.

James' stomach twisted.

Kyle waited on the side of the stage, waiting for his turn to perform, while Big Time Rush got situated. Everyone screamed when they got on to the stage. But when James looked out into the crowd, all he saw were angry eyes and heads shaking. He sighed. All during that time, though, Carlos seemed to glance at James' bracelets every now and then.

Their first song was Music Sounds Better With U. Then Windows Down, then No Idea. Nobody clapped at all when James sang. His voice faltered several times, and he didn't sing his best. Even the other guys, except Carlos, rolled their eyes every time James screwed up. James wanted to cry, but not in front of everyone. That would just make them hate him even more.

While he was singing his last solo on No Idea, James' voice cracked. He messed up the line of the song and stopped singing while the music continued on. It was just all the angry eyes glaring at him and remembering all the hate he received that got to him. He heard everyone groan and saw them all shaking their heads. Kendall and Logan glared at him, and Kendall took James' part. Carlos looked at James sadly while he hung his head down low in shame.

When they were all done, James immediately hurried off the stage. Carlos followed him.

"Hey, you were great." Carlos said, stopping James. James turned to him, an angry look on his face.

"Great? Great? You thought I was great? Carlos, I did horrible! I faltered on every song I did, and my voice cracked and I stopped singing! You call that good? Carlos, I know you're just trying to be nice, but you don't have to lie!" James said, and he stormed off, leaving Carlos sad and confused.

James ran beside the stage, where nobody could see him, and cried. He just couldn't take it anymore, he just couldn't. The crowd cheered as Kyle got on stage. James looked up from the shadows and watched as he started singing. Everyone was cheering, laughing, some girls were crying. Everyone was going ecstatic.

James lowered his head and cried again. He honestly didn't know how much more of this he could take.

When he got back to the Palm Woods, he avoided everyone, including Carlos. He just didn't want to talk to anyone at the moment. He just wanted to be alone, where nobody could hate him or lie to him.

He passed by Victoria in the lobby. Victoria, seeing his sad face and red eyes, stopped him. "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, what happened? What's the matter?" She asked, worried. James shook his head.

"Nothing, nothing's wrong, now please Victoria, leave me alone." James said, holding back tears. He tried going forward, but Victoria stopped him.

"Now James, I'm really worried about you." She said, sadly looking into his red eyes. He turned his head, so she couldn't see him.

"James, I love you, and I really am worried about you. I promised you I was going to spend time with you, to keep you happy, and I'm gonna do that. This weekend, both of us are off of work, so you're going to come to my apartment and watch a movie with me, no excuses." She said. She turned his head so he was looking at her. "I hate seeing you upset." She said in a whisper. She kissed him. "And I promise I'm going to fix things, ok? I'm going to cheer you up. So come to my apartment at 7 on Friday, and I promise, I'll start to make things right. Now, promise me you'll try and stay strong."

James didn't say anything. He wanted to, but he couldn't. "Now James, promise me, you're going to stay strong and you're going to come on Friday. Promise me you'll be happy." She said.

James sighed. To make her happy, he whispered, "I promise." Victoria smiled and kissed the end of his nose.

"Good. I'll see you on Friday, don't forget it." She said, and she walked away. James watched her leave, and he didn't know if he should feel happy or sad. The fact that he was finally going to spend some time with Victoria made him feel better, but it wasn't going to stop all the hate he was receiving. James just sighed and went back to his apartment.

But also on his way, he passed Julie. He offered her a friendly smile and said, "Hello, Julie." But she just rolled her eyes and kept walking. James frowned and kept walking to his apartment.

He lied down on the couch and took out his phone. "Let's see how many people on twitter hate me today." He mumbled to himself. There were more and more haters each day, and James didn't do anything wrong. But he saw one tweet on his timeline that caught his eye. It was a petition going around, and so many "Rushers" were tweeting it. He clicked on the link and wanted to cry at what he saw.

Apparently, someone started a petition to get James kicked out of BTR, and have Kyle as his replacement. Already 213,897 people signed it.

He through his phone to the other end of the couch. Tears started pouring down his face again. He was ready to start sobbing uncontrollably.

"No, no, this can't be happening." He said. He raced upstairs to the bathroom, and locked himself inside.

Breathing hard, he pressed his back against the wall and slid down to the floor, his hands gripping and pulling at his hair. "No, no! I don't want it to be like this! I don't want it to be like this!" James said, beginning to sob. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to keep the tears from coming out. But that didn't stop them.

He cried so much he thought the tears would never stop coming. Carlos, entering the apartment and hearing the commotion, raced upstairs to the bathroom door. He yanked on the handle, and found it was locked.

"James! James! What's wrong? Are you ok? What happened?" Carlos asked, extremely worried. He pounded on the door, his heart racing. "James! Answer me, please!" Carlos pleaded.

"No! Just, just go away! Just go away, Carlos!" James sobbed.

"James, please, just open the door! I can help!" Carlos said, still pounding on the door. But James grew angry and threw his fist against the door as hard as he could, causing the door the shake and Carlos to jump back a few feet.

"I said go away, Carlos!" James screamed. Carlos stood there for a moment, just staring at the door. He wondered if he should still try and convince James to come out or if he should just leave. He raised his hand to knock on the door once more, but he stopped himself. A tear slipping down his face, he sighed and went downstairs, hearing James' muffled sobs behind him.

He sat down on the couch and buried his head in his hands. He looked up. "Dear God, just please help me figure out what's wrong with James." He said. "I'm really worried about him, and I just want him to feel better."

Something lying on the couch caught Carlos' eyes. He saw it was James' phone. Carlos reached over and grabbed it. Turning it on, it opened up to twitter. Carlos' heart shattered when he saw the petition. More tears slipped from his eyes as he stared at the number of growing signatures.

"James doesn't deserve this." He said to himself, trying to hold back tears of his own. He clutched the phone tightly in his hand. "He just doesn't."

He turned his head back to the upstairs. He could still hear a little bit of James' sobs. He looked back at the phone, more and more tears falling down his face. "I promise I'm going to make things better, James." Carlos said. "I promise, I'll stick by you no matter what…"

* * *

James had a tough time falling asleep that night. He tossed and turned all night. He couldn't stop thinking, thinking about everything. Nothing could make his life better. He faked falling asleep so he could avoid a conversation with Carlos, but now it was 2AM and he still couldn't sleep. The pills were barely helping.

He kept having the nightmares. All he saw were the horrible hate tweets, all the disgusting things people were saying about him. He heard voices of all the fans telling him that Kyle should replace him in the band, that he doesn't have any talent, that he should just go and kill himself.

James regretted ever being Kyle's friend. He wished Kyle had never moved to the Palm Woods. In fact, he just wish he had never moved to LA in the first place. It just made his own life a living hell.

It's been over a month that Kyle has been there, and in that period of time, James had fallen apart, completely broken. He admitted to himself that he was no one, that he was just a ghost. It didn't matter what he did or where he went, people just wouldn't care.

James felt like a zombie that next morning. He barely got any sleep. As they were getting dressed, Carlos watched him with a worried look on his face. He really was worried about James. He saw all the tweets yesterday, and the petition, and he knows about all the pain that he's been having, but it just seemed that James refused to let anyone help him. Carlos wanted to help him, he really wanted James to feel better, but he didn't know how to help. It seemed that every time Carlos tried talking to James, James just grew angrier. It made Carlos sick to his stomach.

"Hey buddy, how are you feeling today?" Carlos asked, trying to talk to James the best way he could. But James just sighed.

"I'm fine." He replied, no emotion in his voice at all. That seemed to be his answer for everything lately.

"You know if you ever need anything, you can always talk to me." Carlos said. He offered James a friendly smile. James just nodded his head. Carlos sighed and walked over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"I mean it." He said, looking into James' eyes. "If you ever need someone to talk to, talk to me. I promise I'll understand, buddy. I'm your friend, forever."

James gave a weak smile. "Thanks, buddy." He said. Carlos grinned and the two finished getting dressed. James still seemed upset though, and Carlos kept his eye on him.

The usual thing happened when they finally arrived at Rocque Records. Gustavo got Kyle in the studio and the other boys practiced a new song. James watched Kyle out of the corner of his eye. Kyle smirked at him.

While Big Time Rush was practicing their song, Kendall and Logan just glared at James whenever it was his turn.

"And I…" James sang, but Kendall and Logan groaned.

"You're singing the wrong key!" Kendall said in disgust. James glared at him.

"No, I didn't." He said, holding back anger.

"Did to. You sang it in the wrong key. Geez, James, get things right for once." Logan said. James balled his hands into fists. His face grew red. He had grown tired of their insults.

"Guys, please, it's ok…" Carlos said, trying to prevent a fight. But everyone ignored him.

"You know, you have been nothing but nonsense and trouble these past few weeks! It wouldn't kill you to be nice for once!" James said, rather loudly. Carlos watched them all with terrified eyes.

"Same with you, James! You've been doing absolutely nothing but screwing up lately! It wouldn't kill YOU to do something right for once!" Kendall said. Carlos shielded his eyes with a bunch of papers.

"And James, you're just jealous of Kyle! It's his because of his success and the fact that you're not the only person in the spotlight anymore!" Logan said.

James' anger boiled. He was sick of those two. He started to shake with anger. "You know what!" He screamed. He threw his papers down on the ground and stepped closer to Kendall and Logan, who took a few steps back.

"I am so sick of you guys! You're not my friends anymore! You're just strangers! All you do is hate on me and insult me and do nothing but act like complete jackasses these days! I can't even be in the same room with you two! Just looking at you makes me wanna rip my own eyes and ears out of my own face!" James said. Kendall and Logan just glared at him, their hands balling into fists as well.

"You're ignorant and selfish and care about nothing but yourselves anymore! I heard what you said about me and that I should be kicked out of the band and now I'm thinking that isn't such a bad idea at all! It means I'd get away from you two!" James screamed. Everything around them had grow silent. Gustavo, Kelly and Kyle had stopped and were watching the scene.

"Come on now, guys, please…" Carlos said, but nobody listened. It was too late. James directed the first punch at Kendall.

James would have hit Kendall square in the face if Kendall wouldn't have turned his head. Instead, he got the side of his cheek.

Kendall stumbled backwards, grabbing his face. A look of absolute pain washed over him, and blood came out of the side of his mouth. But that didn't last long. He looked up at James with anger in his eyes. Before James could advance forward to hit Kendall again, Logan ran up to James and hit the side of his face.

The surprise attack sent James falling backwards. Carlos, completely terrified, ran and hid behind one of the couches in the studio, his eyes barely peeking over the edge to see what was happening. Gustavo called for security.

Kendall and Logan ran towards James to hit him again, but James recovered and grabbed Kendall's arm, twisting it back. Kendall yelped in pain, and Logan tried coming to his rescue. He tried hitting James in the face again, but James was stronger. He grabbed Logan's shoulder and, with incredible force, shoved him to the ground. Logan grabbed his shoulder in pain, and James focused his attention back on Kendall. He would've broken his arm if security wouldn't have came rushing over.

It took several security guards to hold the three boys back. Poor Carlos still hid behind the couch, watching in terror. Gustavo came over and started shouting.

"That's it, that's it, that's it! If you guys can't get along, you won't record together! You boys are done for the day, but I want you to stay as far away from each other as possible! And if a fight like this happens again, there will be some serious consequences!" Gustavo shouted.

The boys were separated. Kendall and Logan were taken to be cleaned up for their injuries, and James was taken back to the Palm Woods. Carlos was so scared, he didn't know where he should go or what he should do.

When James finally arrived back at the Palm Woods, he slammed the door of the police car and ran inside, avoiding everyone else's stares. He angrily stomped up to the apartment and to his room. He slammed the bedroom door shut and buried his head in his pillow.

He didn't cry. He couldn't. He just lied there, not knowing if he was either angry or sad or a mixture of both. He was just tired. And done. Done with everything. Done with the fighting, done with the drama, done with the hate. He was just done.

He took the bracelets off his wrists and stared at his cuts. He didn't care about them anymore. Now, they were just a reminder that he was nothing, that he was just a mistake.

Anger bubbling up inside him again, he got up and went into the bathroom. Taking out his razor like he has done so many times before, he dug the blade into his skin. He just kept cutting and cutting and cutting until his whole arm was numb and covered in blood.

He just stared at his arm. He suddenly felt a little better. There were cat-like scratches going from his wrist all the way up to his bicep. He smiled. He felt better. Just looking at all the blood made him feel a sense of serenity. He leaned against the wall, his arm extended over the sink, drops of dark, red blood falling into puddles into the sink.

James' anger disappeared. His breathing evened out. He felt…relaxed. This was probably the best he's felt in the past few weeks.

It took over an hour to clean up the blood and for it to even stop bleeding. When James washed the blood off his arm, the water in the sink was a dark red. Blood was on the floor and all over the sink. If it wasn't for Carlos sharing the same bathroom, James wouldn't have bothered cleaning it up.

He walked out of the bathroom, feeling no regret for what he had done. It's not like anyone would care, anyway. He didn't even care himself. All he knew was he had faded, he was broken, and that nobody could hear his screams of silence.


	16. The Attempt

**I was too excited to post this chapter I couldn't wait...so it's early! Let me know what you think about the story by reviewing or on my twitter: BTRsAngel :) Thanks so much for reading!**

**Oh, and I have a little suggestion. Try listening to the song "Breathe Me" by Sia while reading this. :)**

James didn't go to work at all the rest of the week. Carlos was really worried for him. He noticed that James felt even more depressed than usual. He was also beginning to question the bracelets James seemed to keep piling onto his arms. Carlos tried talking to James several times, but each time James avoided him or shrugged him off. James, Kendall, and Logan also avoided each other, and every time James spotted Kyle he had to keep himself from going into a fit of rage.

But it was Friday, and that meant that James would be going over to Victoria's apartment to spend some time with her. James honestly couldn't wait for it. He missed Victoria so much, and he thought that maybe, just maybe, seeing her and spending time with her would make his life a little better for a moment. Whenever he was with her, he felt nothing but happiness. It seemed that whenever he was around her he forgot about all of his pain and there was nothing in the world but the two of them.

That morning, Carlos caught James smiling. Carlos grinned, happy that James was actually smiling for once, and asked, "Wow, what are you so happy about?"

James just kept smiling and replied, "I get to see Victoria today." He said, happily. Carlos grinned.

"You know, I'm glad. Because you've been really upset lately and she is just the person to cheer you up." Carlos said.

James smiled. "Thanks buddy." He said. "I haven't seen her much these past few weeks and I'm just really excited about getting to spend some time with her."

Mrs. Knight came into the kitchen and started to wash some dishes and put them away, but James stopped her. "I got it." He said.

Mrs. Knight laughed. "Wow, you seem oddly happy today." She said. "What's the occasion?"

"He gets to see his girlfriend tonight." Carlos said, grinning. He began to help James clean up the kitchen.

Mrs. Knight grinned, shook her head, and walked away, to finish folding clothes. After she left, Kendall and Logan came downstairs. Carlos tensed up, but the two boys just glared at James and kept walking out the door. James glared after them, but took a deep breath, and continued with his work.

"I'm not gonna let anything spoil my mood today." James said. "I'm happy today and won't let anything change that, especially not those two." Carlos grinned and patted his friend on the back.

James tried calling Victoria, but she didn't answer. He sent her a few text messages, but she didn't read them. He hoped she didn't forget about tonight.

"She's not answering her phone? Or reading her texts?" Carlos asked, looking over James' shoulder at his phone. James shook his head.

"She's probably busy. But we're both off today, so she's probably just getting ready or something, whatever girls do. I just really hope she didn't forget." James said, staring at his phone.

"She didn't." Carlos said, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "She's probably just as excited as you are and is spending all this time getting ready to see you. She's probably thinking, 'Oh, James is coming today! I gotta get ready for the best boyfriend in the whole world!'" Carlos said, doing his best to imitate a girl's voice, but failing. James laughed.

"So, what do you want to do until the time comes for you big date?" Carlos asked. James shrugged.

"I don't know. Do you just wanna hang out and do something?" James asked. Carlos frowned.

"Sorry, but I can't." He said. "I promised Gustavo I'd record some vocals for the new song tonight, because he's making us go into the studio separately now."

James rolled his eyes. "Ugh, please don't remind me." He said. Carlos patted his shoulder.

"Sorry James." He said. "But maybe tomorrow. We'll definitely have to do something together tomorrow."

James grinned at the smaller boy. "Tomorrow." He said. The two boys smiled at each other. "Tomorrow."

Carlos left and James went upstairs to get ready. He made sure he had all his bracelets on, even though he felt guilty hiding them from his girlfriend. He took a shower, combed his hair, and did all the usual things he normally did when he was getting ready for a date.

He also tried calling and texting Victoria some more, but she never answered. He was a little worried, but kept telling himself that she didn't forget. Or he hoped she didn't.

The hate tweets were still coming in as usual, but James did his best to ignore them. There were now 301,997 signatures on that petition, and James' heart broke. But every time he saw something that made him sad, he just reminded himself that he was going to see Victoria in just a few hours.

At 7:03, he left the apartment, feeling very excited. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this happy. It's been so long since he actually felt truly happy. He was grateful for Victoria. He didn't think he could've made it these past few weeks if it wasn't for her.

He practically skipped up to her apartment. He wore a big grin on his face. She still didn't call him back or answer or even read any of his texts, but he just figured she didn't have her phone on her or that it needed charging. For once, he was actually trying to think positively.

When he finally reached her apartment, he knocked on her door. No answer. He tried again, louder, but still no answer. James grew a little concerned. "Victoria?" He called, knocking on the door again. He grabbed the door handle, and realized the door was unlocked, so he stepped inside her apartment.

"Victoria?" He called out. No reply. He looked around. Everything was off. This is odd, James thought. Now he really was worried. Did something happen to her?

At the far corner of her apartment, he saw light coming out from her bedroom door. He walked over to it and peeked inside. His heart broke into a million pieces at what he saw.

There was his girlfriend, kissing Kyle.

James' eyes grew wide and a look of shock came across his face.

Kyle's hands were wrapped tightly around Victoria's tiny waist, and she had her arms thrown around him. They pressed their lips tightly together, Kyle running his hands up and down Victoria's back.

Tears immediately started forming in James' eyes. He couldn't believe what he was looking at.

"You're so beautiful, Victoria." Kyle said between kisses. Victoria giggled.

"What are you gonna do about it?" She said, a little grin on her face. Kyle smirked and pressed his lips against Victoria's, putting his hands underneath her shirt and running them up and down her bare back, grabbing her butt when his hands got a little lower. Victoria giggled.

James was absolutely in shock. He opened the door up wider. "Victoria." He said. The two stopped kissing and Victoria jumped, staring at James wide eyed

"James! I, I, I umm, I…" Victoria said, stuttering. Tears had already started slowly falling down James' face." Kyle smirked.

"What's the matter, James? Ain't ever seen somebody kiss someone before?" He said, a stupid evil grin on his face. James didn't say anything. He just stormed out of the apartment, not bothering to close any door behind him.

He ran down the staircase, almost tripping over himself as he ran, tears falling down his face faster than they ever had before. How could Victoria have done that?

He ran to the apartment. Nobody was home. James ran upstairs into his room and slammed the door shut behind him, locking the door.

He slammed his back against the wall. He buried his head in his hands and cried. He slid down to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. He couldn't believe it. The last little piece of happiness he could count on was gone, all gone.

And it was all Kyle's fault.

The room was dark. The curtains were drawn, the door was locked, and everything was silent except for James' sobs. He couldn't believe how far things got. He had a completely perfect life, with no worries or troubles at all, right up until Kyle came.

His skin was pale, too pale. His eyes were red, his hair was a mess, his arms were all scarred, he was not himself anymore. The James Diamond he knew was nothing like this. He didn't even know who he was anymore.

Was there anywhere he could go? Was there anyone he could turn to? It seemed that everyone had deserted him, that nobody cared about him anymore. There was nowhere he could go to find comfort, because everywhere he went all there was was hate. It was like he fell inside a dark ditch and couldn't get out of it. A never ending cycle of hate and despair.

It was Kyle that messed it all up for him. It was Kyle that ruined his entire life. He stole his life, his fans, his career, his friends, and now his girlfriend. So Victoria really hadn't been busy lately…she was cheating on him. She was James' last bit of sunshine, the last little bit of hope that he had to keep him happy through this mess he called his life, and now she was gone. She lied, and it was all over.

This was all too much for him to take. He sobbed as he pulled at his hair. He was mentally going crazy. He never thought he would go back to being himself. The perfect, handsome, and talented James Diamond everybody once knew. It was Kyle that messed it all up for him. It was Kyle who ruined everything.

James sat there in the cold, dark room, head in hands, sobbing. It was all unfixable, there was nothing he could do to make his life better. He was pushed over the edge, completely broken.

A little ray of light shown from the bathroom door, which had been left slightly ajar. The little beam of light had rested on James' face, practically calling his name. He thought for a long moment, debating if he should or not.

He got up and walked towards the bathroom door.

Slowly shutting the door behind him, he reached into the cabinet. Not to grab his razor, but something else.

His sleeping pills.

"No, no Diamond! This is stupid of you, just plan stupid!" He said to himself. He never seriously considered taking his own life before, but right now, he wasn't so sure. He debated if he should take the pills or not.

"No, what are you thinking!" He said. "You're really thinking about…killing yourself?" But then his mind flashed back to everything, everything that happened since Kyle came to the Palm Woods.

"_No one likes you. Kyle deserves to take your place in Big Time Rush."_

"_Just leave, just go. No one wants you."_-Fans

He stared at the pill bottle.

"_I never liked James anyway."_

"_LMAO Kyle should replace him in the band."_-Youtube

Slowly, he twisted off the cap.

"_James needs some real talent." _

_Like he ever had any in the first place_

"_No one likes you. Kyle deserves to take your place in Big Time Rush."_

"_Just leave, just go. No one wants you."_-Twitter

He set the cap on the side of the sink.

_You've been doing absolutely nothing but screwing up lately! It wouldn't kill YOU to do something right for once!"_-Kendall

"_And James, you're just jealous of Kyle! It's his because of his success and the fact that you're not the only person in the spotlight anymore!"._-Logan

He stared down at the many pills that were inside the bottle, practically calling out his name.

"_You really don't belong here."_

"_Just face it, you're talentless and stupid. Clearly, no one wants you. Just leave me alone, James. Just leave everyone alone."_

"_You deserve to hurt yourself."-_Kyle

He took the bottle, and…

_The sirens pierced the L.A night air. Ambulances and police cars dashed wildly down the street, dodging cars, somehow managing not to hit or even brush a single one._

_They were all racing towards the same spot: The Palm Woods._

"_Got a call from Apartment 2J at the Palm Woods. 17 year old James Diamond was found unresponsive in his bedroom with a suicide note next to his bed…"_

They all had to practically dodge cars on the way to the hospital. Kendall was driving like a mad man, while Mrs. Knight sat in the passenger side, and Katie, Logan and Carlos were in the back. Nobody could say anything, they were all too speechless. Carlos sat, tears on his face, clutching the note to his chest.

"How could he do this to himself?" Kendall thought as they pulled up to the hospital. "I should've seen this coming…why was I such a jackass to him…"

They raced to the front desk.

"James Diamond! I need info on James Diamond!" Kendall said, panting. The words poured out of his mouth so fast you could barely understand him.

"I'm sorry, boys, but no one is required to see him right now. We got a call on the way here saying he went into cardiac arrest. They're taking him to be resuscitated."

Carlos stumbled backwards, and Logan quickly jumped to catch him. "J-J-James…" Carlos said, completely stunned.

"How, HOW could we let this happen?!" Kendall screamed, pounding his fists on the desk.

"Kendall! Please, calm down!" Logan said. He was doing his best to calm Carlos down as well.

"We should've seen this coming! We should've been nicer to him! Why didn't we believe him? Oh my God, look what we've done…" Kendall said, gripping at his hair.

"Oh no…James…" Carlos said, tears pouring from his eyes and falling down his cheeks.

"Shhh, shhh, Carlos, it'll be ok, James will be ok. It'll all be alright, please calm down…" Logan said, stroking the smaller boy's hair.

"I can't believe it! He attempted suicide and we were to blind to see he was even hurting! And it's all my fault…I was so mean to him…" Kendall said.

"Kendall, it wasn't all your fault." Logan said. He looked down, ashamed of himself. "It was my fault too." He whispered.

"I just can't believe it! James could possibly be dead right now and we were too blind to help him! I just can't believe it! I just…I can't!" Kendall screamed. The worried look in Logan's eyes grew bigger as police officers had to come and sustain Kendall.

"Let me go! Let me go!" Kendall screamed as he tried to kick his way free. Carlos moaned and cried as he lied there in Logan's arms, traumatized.

"Carlos, please, it'll all be ok…" Logan said. Although he couldn't believe those words himself.

"Oh no, James!" Carlos cried. Logan looked down at the poor boy's face, then at the screaming Kendall. Logan looked in horror at the scene in front of him.

Mrs. Knight and Katie both had panicked faces, Kendall was still screaming and trying to fight his way out of the police's grasps, and Carlos had now broken into uncontrollable sobs.

"Calm down, calm down, please Kendall, just calm down!" A couple doctors yelled as they rushed towards Kendall.

"No! James could be dead and it's all my fault!" Kendall yelled. Tears were now pouring down Logan's face.

Dr. McCann, one of the main doctors on that floor, rushed towards Kendall. "Kendall, calm down, your friend is going to be alright." He said.

"How could I calm down?! James could possibly be lying dead somewhere and it's all my fault!" He screamed. He tried to fight his way through again, but more officers grabbed him on both sides. It was useless. Kendall gave up trying to fight. He stopped and hung his head down low, defeated. He started crying.

"Now Kendall, please calm down. We are going to do our best to save your friend." Dr. McCann said. "Now please, try and relax a moment. Take a deep breath." Kendall, still crying, tried to do so.

"Shhhh, shhhhh, it's going to be alright, it's going to be ok." Logan whispered into Carlos's ear in a desperate attempt to calm the smaller boy down. Now that Kendall had quieted down, the chaos going on in the hospital had died down.

"Kendall, there's no word on your friend James's condition yet. He had to be rushed to the ICU."

More tears streamed down Kendall's face as he clenched his fists. Tears streamed down Logan's face as he tried to hold back the pain, and Carlos was basically unresponsive. The ICU. Intensive Care Unit.

"James was depressed, he needed help. I was too mean and too big of a jackass to help him. I was too blind to see he needed help. He could be lying dead somewhere and it's all my fault." Kendall said. His tantrum was over, but the cops still held him.

"We don't really have any word on your friend's condition yet, but I promise we'll do our best to save him." Another doctor said. "If you just stay here and wait, we'll give you some information on your friend. Until then, why don't you just take a seat and try to relax."

Kendall nodded, and the cops released him. He tried drying his eyes, to no avail. One doctor placed his hand on Kendall's shoulder. "I know it's traumatizing about what happened to your friend."

"All we can do now is wait." Logan said. He had managed to calm Carlos down a little bit, but he was still crying.

"We've done enough waiting." Kendall said, trying to remain calm through clenched teeth.

"We've got great doctors here." Dr. McCann said. "And they're going to do all they can to save James." And with that, everyone walked away, leaving Kendall and the gang alone in the empty waiting room.

_Ouch I have lost myself again. Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,  
Yeah I think that I might break. Lost myself again and I feel unsafe_

_. . . . . . . . ._

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up, unfold me  
I am small, and needy, warm me up

_And breathe me _


	17. Sorry

They all sat in the waiting room, alone. An eerie silence filled the air. Kendall was biting his nails and pacing back and forth, while muttering to himself. Mrs. Knight sat holding Katie, and Logan sat next to Carlos, making sure he didn't collapse again.

The poor boy was still shaking. He just stared into space, his body trembling, still clutching James' suicide note to his chest. No one dared to read it.

No one said anything. They didn't know what to say. The thought that James could actually be dead was horror to them.

"I-I-I-I…I hope they can s-save James." Carlos said, trying to hold back sobs. Tears still streamed down his face. Logan threw an arm around him and pulled him close.

"They will, Carlos, they will." Logan said, trying to calm the smaller boy down. Carlos' fingers clenched so hard around the note it wrinkled in his hands.

"When will the doctor come back and tell us about James?" Katie asked. She was just as scared as everyone else was. But no one was more terrified than Carlos.

"I don't know." Mrs. Knight replied, her voice low. She sniffled, holding back tears of her own. "I just don't know."

"When the ambulance came to get him he looked so…so…dead." Logan said. Carlos shut his eyes as tight as he could, tears still managing to find their way out. As hard as he tried to forget the horrific scene, it still flashed in his mind, burned there forever. He could still see James lying there, looking basically lifeless, his arms bleeding, the pill bottle lying near him, the suicide note on his bed…

"Are you guys here for James Diamond?" A voice said. Everyone instantly looked up and saw a doctor walking towards them. Immediately, they all flung to their feet and scrambled towards him, almost tripping over each other.

"Yes! Yes we are. What's wrong with him? Is he ok?" Mrs. Knight said. Everyone stood around the doctor, trembling, afraid of the answer.

The look on the doctor's face told them he didn't have good news. "I'm sorry," he said. Tears filled everyone's eyes. "But, while we were attempting to resuscitate him, we found out that the overdose of pills he took damaged part of his body and is causing problems with his heart."

"Is he alive?" Carlos asked, the tears rolling down his face. The doctor nodded, slowly. But he gave them a sad look.

"He is still alive." He replied. "But he's barely hanging on. He's in a coma right now and from the looks of it, it honestly doesn't look like he's going to make it. I'm sorry." And with that, the doctor walked away, leaving everyone totally speechless.

"Oh my God…" Mrs. Knight started, but was too shocked she couldn't finish. Katie buried her face in her mother's shirt, starting to cry. Kendall grabbed his hair, just staring in the direction that the doctor had left. Logan wiped a tear from his eye and buried his head in his hands. But poor Carlos was far too stunned. Without saying anything, he ran away, as fast as his legs could take him down a hallway.

Nobody chased after him. Nobody did anything. They couldn't even if they wanted to. The news that James would probably die hit them deep, and hard.

Everyone sat in the quiet, empty waiting room. Mrs. Knight took Katie to call James' mother, leaving Kendall and Logan alone with Carlos nowhere to be found.

They sat there, in total silence. They couldn't go back and see James; the doctors were still trying to get his breathing back on track, and to keep his heart beating. They just kept getting more and more scared with each passing second.

So many things were running through their minds. Neither of them could think straight. Poor Carlos was an emotional wreck, wherever he was at. Kendall and Logan figured it would be best not to bother him at that point. He was already too stressed and hurt as it was.

What could've pushed James so far over the edge? That was the question that remained on their minds. They realized how mean they were to him, but they never imagined it would push him to try and kill himself.

"I hope James is going to be ok." Logan said, his voice low. Kendall stood away from him, just staring out a window. He sighed.

"He will be, Logan, he will be." He replied. Logan wiped another tear from his eye and turned to look back at Kendall.

"Do you really think so?" He asked. "I mean, I'm scared. I never thought he'd ever try and kill himself. I always thought James was a strong person."

Kendall, trying to keep himself from breaking out into uncontrollable sobs, said, in a low voice it was almost in a whisper, "Apparently not."

Logan sighed. "What if he doesn't make it?" He asked. It took Kendall a few moments before he could respond.

But when he did, Kendall just shook his head and replied, "I don't know. I just…I don't know."

A few moments of silence passed before Logan spoke up again. "I just can't believe he might actually…die."

Kendall, still trying to control himself, replied, "Me either." After that, neither of them could think of anything else to say. It seemed nothing could be said. The fact that James could be dead at that moment and they didn't even know scared them.

"Should we go find Carlos?" Logan finally spoke up after a few minutes. Kendall shrugged his shoulders, not taking his eyes away from the view from the window.

Logan sighed and stood up. "We can't just pretend this never happened, you know that." He said. Kendall remained silent. Logan walked over him and put his hand on shoulder. "I'm scared too, Kendall." He said.

"I just…I'm sorry Logan, I don't know how to react yet, I'm too in shock." Kendall replied. Logan nodded.

"I am too. Now come on, let's go find Carlos. I wanna make sure he didn't get lost." Logan said. Kendall nodded and the two of them started off in the direction that Carlos headed.

"Carlos?" Logan called out. No reply. He and Kendall checked the bathroom, he wasn't there. They called and called out his name, but he just wouldn't answer.

"Carlos." Logan said, finally spotting the poor boy huddled in a corner of the hallway.

"Leave me alone." Carlos said, sniffling. Logan and Kendall walked over to him. Logan kneeled down and placed his hand on Carlos' shoulder, but Carlos inched away from his touch. Logan sighed.

"Carlos, please, you can't just stay here for the rest of your life." Logan said.

"Yes I can. If James won't be here anymore, there's no reason to get up. He is…was…is…my best friend." Carlos said, trying to keep himself from crying even more. Logan gave Kendall a worried look, then turned back to Carlos.

"Carlos, James is going to make it, I know he can. He's strong enough to make it through anything." Kendall said.

"Just leave me alone, guys. I don't wanna talk to anyone right now." Carlos said, pulling his hoodie over his head some more.

"Carlos, we know you're only scared for James, but we're worried too…" Logan started, but then Carlos cut him off by swiftly whipping his head around and giving Logan and angry glare, the tears sticking to his face, his eyes red from crying.

"Are you? Are you? Are you really worried about James? Because the last time I checked, you hated him and didn't care about him! So back then when you thought he was only jealous and self centered you hated him but now that he's basically on his death bed you care?" Carlos shouted. Logan and Kendall were shocked.

"Carlos, that's not what's the matter." Logan said. Carlos scoffed and stood up, clearly outraged.

"Then what is the matter, Logan? He's been feeling so lonely and depressed lately and all you guys did was make him feel even worse." Carlos said.

"Carlos, please, we didn't mean to…" Kendall began, but Carlos interrupted by basically exploding at him.

"You didn't mean what? What didn't you mean, Kendall? You treated him like shit these past few weeks, and that only added to the fact that he was being hated on by fans and everybody around him! Everyone turned on him, and you guys turning on him only made him feel even more worse!" Carlos screamed.

Kendall's eyebrows furrowed. "Listen, Carlos." He said, growing angry. "We didn't do anything wrong! We didn't tell James to kill himself!"

Carlos was now completely outraged with them. "What the hell is the matter with you guys!? Can't you see that what you did helped push him over the edge? You did nothing but insult him, criticize him, and make fun of him! And you were too selfish to even notice! You never even stopped to think about how he was feeling, you never talked to him. He needed us and we weren't there! James could be lying in there dead and it's all your fault!"

Carlos ran away, crying. Logan and Kendall stood there, and were going to go after him before they saw a piece of yellow note pad paper fall out of his pocket and onto the hospital floor.

Kendall walked over to it and picked it up, and unfolded it. "What is it, Kendall?" He asked. But Kendall didn't respond. Tears just rolled down his face and his hands started shaking.

Logan ran up to him, concerned. "Kendall…?" He asked. He looked over his shoulder. "What is it?"

Kendall handed him the paper, and Logan read it aloud:

_Guys,_

_ I don't really know what to say, but let me start off with saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've ever done. I'm sorry for messing up, I'm sorry for disappointing you, I'm sorry for getting in the way, but most of all, I'm sorry for not being good enough._

_ I'm self centered, selfish, untalented…I guess the list could go on forever. But I just can't live like this anymore. I can't live with Kendall and Logan being mad at me, I can't live with being hated by millions of people, I can't live with being put down by someone who just came into my life out of the blue, I just can't live without my Victoria._

_ I'm tired. Tired of being lied to. Tired of being cheated on. Tired of putting on a fake smile day after day and telling everyone I'm alright. I'm just tired of living._

_ So once again, I'm sorry. I won't be around to bother you guys or mess anything up anymore. Trust me, Big Time Rush will be better as a trio. It seems everyone wants it that way, anyway. I won't be there to make your lives worse. You guys can finally be happy now. I'll be gone, which is what I'm guessing you always wanted._

_ So, I guess this is goodbye. And once again, I'm really, really, really sorry for what I've done, for everything. I just can't live with myself anymore, I'm just done._

_I'm sorry._

_-James_

Silence filled the room.

Both Kendall and Logan stood there, motionless. Kendall had tears pouring down his face, and Logan stood there staring straight ahead, tears forming in his eyes, clutching the already wrinkled piece of paper in his hands.

Carlos was right. They were idiots. They really had treated James so badly that he just wanted to end it all. Maybe it really was all their fault.

Nobody did anything for a long time. They just stood there, not saying a word, not even moving. The only sounds were the doctors moving in the hospital, the two boys' sobs, and the sound of Kendall dropping to the floor, starting to bawl his eyes out.

Carlos sat back in the waiting room, underneath a table. He had his hoodie pulled down over his eyes, so nobody would see how red they were from crying. He just wanted to be alone, to shut himself out from the rest of the world. He wanted this all to be a dream. He wanted to wake up and be in his room, with James throwing pillows at him and telling him to get out of bed. He wanted things to be back to normal.

Mrs. Knight walked back into the waiting room. Katie was off taking a walk, getting some water, doing anything to take her mind off of all this. After walking into the waiting room and not finding any of the boys there, she started to grow worried. But then she saw Carlos hiding underneath the table.

"Carlos? Are you alright?" She asked, trying to muster up the sweetest voice without crying. Carlos shook his head.

"Please, just leave me alone Mrs. Knight." He said, hugging his knees tighter. Mrs. Knight kneeled down.

"James' mom is going to try and fly out here, but the snow is pretty bad and the flights will probably be canceled." Mrs. Knight said. Carlos didn't say anything.

Mrs. Knight sighed. "Carlos, I know it's tough, it's tough for all of us. But I know James will be ok. He's a fighter."

"He's my best friend. I can't live without him. I don't know what I'd do if he actually died today." Carlos said, his voice low. Mrs. Knight patted his back and rubbed it softly.

"I know, dear, I know. This is scary, but you gotta stay strong too, ok? Do it for James, alright Carlos?" Mrs. Knight said. Carlos was reluctant for a moment, but then gradually nodded. Mrs. Knight smiled at him. "You wanna come out from under the table?"

Carlos shook his head. "I just really wanna be alone right now, please. I'm scared, and just wanna sit here for a while." Carlos replied, tears still pouring down his face. Mrs. Knight sadly frowned, nodded her head and walked away. As she left, she wiped a tear from her face.

As Carlos sat underneath the table, hugging his knees close to his chest, he heard some doctors walking past. He didn't really care, until he heard something that immediately snapped his attention towards them.

"What kind of information do you have on the new patient, James Diamond?" One doctor said. Carlos stared at them, eyes wide, heart racing, still under the table. He was dead silent and very still.

"Well, he overdosed on sleeping pills that he was taking for medication. It was a suicide attempt." The other doctor replied. More tears swelled in Carlos' eyes.

"It did awful damages to his system, and his heart is currently functioning abnormally. He wasn't breathing and had to be resuscitated when he arrived. He's in a coma right now, and it is possible he's going to need heart surgery."

Carlos began to sob again. James was going to have to get heart surgery? Was he really that damaged?

"But," the doctor continued, his voice lowering, "It is very unlikely that he is going to make it to tomorrow with all the damages that happened to him in such a short amount of time. I'm afraid we won't be able to keep him alive much longer."

And with that, the doctors continued walking.

Carlos couldn't believe it.

His best friend is probably going to die.

When the room was silent again, he hugged his knees closer to his chest and cried. He couldn't believe it, this was all unreal. Carlos had wished that this was all a dream, that he'd wake up and James would be alive and happy, and smiling. But no, this was all too real. This was reality.

Carlos felt a strong pain in his chest. He hugged his knees a little tighter and cried a little harder. The thought of probably never seeing his best friend again killed him inside. The mental image of walking in and finding James unresponsive in his bed was burned into his memory forever, and he saw it every time he closed his eyes. What would he do if James never able to walk beside him again?

Kendall sighed and leaned up against the wall, closing his eyes and burying his face in his hands as Logan ran a hand through his hair, just staring at the floor. Neither one of them had said anything since Carlos ran away from them

"When do you think they're going to give us more news on James?" Logan asked, breaking the silence. Kendall shook his head, not wanting to say anything.

"I just hope he's ok. They say he's not going to make it, but he's got to. He's just got to." Logan said.

Kendall sighed again. "I just want him to know I'm really sorry for everything I said to him." Kendall said, fighting back tears. Logan walked up to him and gently placed his hand on his shoulder.

"It's ok, Kendall." Logan said, but then Kendall shot up, anger twisted in his face, causing Logan to take a couple steps back.

"No, Logan, it's NOT alright! I said such mean things to him and now he could be dead! James tried to kill himself and it's all my fault!" Kendall said, now sobbing.

"It wasn't all your fault…" Logan started, but Kendall shot back.

"Yes it was, Logan! I didn't believe him, I bullied him and pushed him to the point where he thought killing himself was a last resort. I killed him, I killed our best friend."

Logan stared at his friend with sad eyes. He sighed, holding back tears himself. "Kendall, I was mean to him, too." He said. He stared off into space, thinking of all the times he himself ignored James and did nothing but insult him. Logan's stomach twisted into a not and tears welled up in his eyes when the realization hit him.

"He could be dead…" Logan began, but tears rolling down his face kept him from saying too much. "And I didn't do anything…to help him…"

Both boys were now sobbing. They buried their heads in their hands and just cried, letting all their anger and sadness out. The realization had both hit them now. Guilt and sadness ate at them inside. They killed their best friend.


	18. Why?

**Here's the next part! ****but I have one suggestion. Listen to the song "Why" by Rascal Flatts while reading this. Enjoy!**

**Oh, and Be sure to follow me on twitter if you haven't already! I'm BTRsAngel :)**

**ALSO I meet Big Time Rush 3 months from today! I'm super excited about it!**

Only a few hours had passed, but it felt like ages. They weren't aloud to see James, because the doctors were running tests and trying to keep him alive. Part of Carlos wanted to go and see James, to tell the almost lifeless boy that everything would be alright and that he could fight through this, but the other part of him didn't want to. He didn't want to go and see his friend lying cold and nearly lifeless, all alone in a hospital bed on the edge of death. Just the mere thought of it made Carlos shiver.

Kendall and Logan finally walked back into the waiting room, both their eyes red from crying. They saw that Carlos was now sitting on the couch instead of under the table. He clutched his legs to his chest, staring out the window.

"Carlos." Kendall said when he and Logan walked in. Carlos didn't look at them. His eyes were red from crying as well.

"Carlos, we're sorry." Logan said, his voice scratchy, trying to hold back tears. Carlos blinked back tears and hugged his legs closer to his chest.

"Carlos, we really are sorry." Kendall said, taking another step closer. "We realized what jackasses we were and how stupid we've been. We never should've treated James that way." Kendall said.

"We feel awful." Logan said, walking up beside Kendall. Carlos still didn't say anything. "Worse than awful."

"We knew we should've been there for James instead of making things worse, but we weren't. I wish it was me going instead of James, because he didn't deserve any of this. I feel stupid, I know I'm stupid, and I could kick myself a thousand times for doing this." Kendall said, tears beginning to slip down his face again.

"Carlos, we both feel terrible and wish none of this ever happened in the first place. We should've believed James, and we should've helped him." Logan said, failing at trying not to cry.

Kendall and Logan sat down on each side of Carlos, Kendall placing a hand on the smaller boy's shoulder.

"I know you hate us right now and you deserve to, and if James lives through this he doesn't have to talk to us ever again, we just want to make things right. Or, at least try to." Kendall said.

"We don't want things to get any worse than they already are, if they can." Logan said. "We might lose one friend…or, he used to be our friend…and we don't wanna lose you too." Logan said.

There was a few moments of silence, of the three just sitting there. Finally, tears slipped down Carlos' face as he reached his arms out and pulled both of them in a group hug. All three boys started crying as they sat there and hugged.

"We're sorry, Carlos, we really are. To both James and you." Kendall sobbed. Carlos pulled him in tighter.

"We just want James to be ok. We were stupid and we were wrong, James needs to stay." Logan sobbed.

Carlos sniffled through his sobs. "He will stay." He managed to say. "I know he will. If there's one thing I know about James it's that he's a fighter. He'll make it. I know he will. I can feel it."

They pulled away from their hug and dried their eyes. All was silent for a few moments. All of them felt that no words needed to be said. All they could really do was wait and pray.

"Anything yet?" Mrs. Knight asked, walking into the waiting room with Katie by her side. The three boys shook their heads.

"I never thought this would happen, especially to James." Katie said, sadly, looking down at her feet. "He's like another big brother to me." Mrs. Knight pulled Katie close to her side.

"It's been hours. I'm getting really scared now." Carlos said.

"What if he's dead and they are just trying to figure out a way to tell us?" Kendall asked. Carlos clutched his knees to his chest once again. Mrs. Knight looked out the window, not knowing what to say.

"I just can't believe he did this to himself." Logan said, looking at the ground. "Suicide…" He said, in a voice so low it was almost a whisper. Everyone was silent.

A doctor walked in. "Are you guys here for James Diamond?" Everyone instantly flung their attention towards him, heads and eyes snapping in his direction. They all jumped to their feet.

"Where is he?"

"What's wrong?"

"What's the matter?"

"Is he ok?"

"Is he dead?"

"Is he alive?"

Everyone started throwing a bunch of questions at him all at one time. It took him a few moments to quiet them all down.

"He's still in the ER." The doctor said, once everything was quiet. "And things aren't looking good…but you can see him now if you'd like."

He motioned for everyone to follow him, but it's like their feet were glued to the ground. They all looked at each other, and slowly followed the doctor.

The doctor took the group into the more restricted place of the ER. Everyone looked around. There were doctors rushing all over the place, EKG machines going flat, and the sound of doctors shouting "CLEAR!" and trying to restart someone's heart. Carlos shivered.

After what seemed like an eternity, they finally stopped outside of a room. "He's in here." The doctor said. He opened up the door and let everyone step inside. Carlos started crying. What they saw was just awful.

There was James, lying in a hospital bed, the life practically drained out of him.

He was deadly pale, his fresh cuts bandaged up to stop the bleeding. He had several IVs sticking in and out of him. He was hooked up to so many machines, the only things keeping him alive. He looked like an absolute mess. He looked so…lifeless.

"James…" Logan said. Carlos couldn't even speak. Kendall pulled the smaller boy close to calm him down. They all just stood there for a moment, just looking at James' body. Just looking at him from that short distance, it was almost certain that he was dead. The only thing that told them he was still alive was the slowly beeping EKG machine he was hooked up to.

They all just kind of stood there for a few minutes, until they all slowly started walking forward.

They paused just a few feet in front of the hospital bed. Tears poured down their face as they looked down at the face of their friend. He never looked like this in his entire, short, young life.

"Oh my God…look at him…" Mrs. Knight said, holding back tears. Katie stood at her side, tears falling down her face.

"He looks so…dead." Katie said. Carlos peeked out from Kendall's side and almost threw up when he saw James once more. He was alive and moving and talking just a few days ago, and now here he was, almost dead right in front of his own eyes.

"When should he wake up from his coma?" Kendall asked. "If…he does…" The doctor stepped up next to him and shook his head.

"There's no telling when he will. It doesn't even look like he'll make it to the weekend. We succeeded in keeping his heart from stopping when he arrived, but looking at his current condition, it's very unlikely he'll survive. At my guess, he's only got a few more days left. I'm really sorry."

Everyone bowed their heads and cried. Even the doctors were certain that James wasn't going to live anymore. Everyone was saying James was going to die. What if he did?

"Now, we're still going to try and save him." The doctor continued. "There's still a chance that he'll live. We're going to keep him on these machines and keep good watch over him. We've got great doctors here who've saved a countless number of people before. Don't worry, we'll do everything we can." And he walked out.

Tears streamed down everyone's faces as they just looked over James. He used to be happy, smiling all the time, almost never upset. But now here he was, lying in a coma in a hospital from a suicide attempt.

"I don't feel so good…" Kendall said, grabbing his head. He began to walk out of the room, turning away from James' seemingly lifeless body as fast as he could. Logan followed him, taking him to the bathroom. Katie and Mrs. Knight followed them, taking one last look at James before they left. But Carlos stayed. He just stood there, next to James' side, looking down at him.

He pulled a chair from across the room next to James' bed. Carlos sat down and looked at James' pale face.

"They all say you're not gonna live." He said, his voice low. "But I know you will. You've never let me down before." He gently took James' hand. "If there's one thing I know about you James, it's that you're a fighter. You can do anything, and I know you can make it through this."

The only sound in the room was the sound of the EKG. James' chest ever so slowly rise and fell with each breath James took. It was the only sign of life in the young boy.

"Promise me one thing James." Carlos continued. "Promise me you'll live. Promise me you'll make it. Please James, you've got to. You're my best friend. You've got to keep holding on, hang in there. This life is better than what you've been experiencing. I promise it'll all get better. I'll make everything better, I'll make all your pain and hurt go away. You just got to make me a promise that you'll live…"

Several hours passed. James didn't get any better. If anything, he got worse. Carlos refused to leave the hospital. Several people from the Palm Woods stopped by to see what was wrong, and to see if James was ok. Carlos got angry that so many people were stopping by to check on him when they've done nothing but push him to try and kill himself.

It was already sometime in the afternoon and Carlos had gotten no sleep since he found James earlier that morning. Everyone else would sleep in the waiting room on a chair or a couch, but not Carlos. When he wasn't by James' side, he'd just stare out the window, wondering, thinking. He took walks around the hospital, to clear his head.

Carlos stood outside James' hospital room, watching in silence as several doctors performed tests on him. He leaned against the wall, arms folded close to his chest as he sadly stared through the glass window. He had tears streaming down his face but found he could no longer cry.

His mind flashed back to all the good times they've had together. Performing on stage, recording in the studio, their annual Day of Pranks, their first day as Big Time Rush, the day they first met.

Another tear fell down his face.

"Please don't go, James." Carlos whispered to himself as he watched the doctors work on James. "Just please don't go."

"Hey buddy, you ok?" Kendall asked, coming up behind him and putting a hand on his shoulder. Logan came on the other side of him.

Carlos shook his head. "No. James hasn't gotten any better. If anything, he's gotten worse." He said. He held back tears. "I was thinking about all the good times we've had, and it only made me more sad."

"It's gonna do that, Carlos, it's gonna hurt." Logan said. "I have no doubt in James. He's strong, he'll make it."

Carlos sighed and looked into the room with sad eyes. "I hope you're right." He replied. "I just don't know what I'm gonna do without him."

Kendall and Logan exchanged sad, worried looks. "Neither do we." Kendall replied. "Neither do we."

There were a few silent moments, then Kendall spoke up again. "Hey, why don't you go get some rest or something to eat, you look like you need it." Carlos glanced nervously in the hospital room, hesitating. "Don't worry, we'll keep an eye on James. Just get some rest and you'll feel much better, even if it's just for a few minutes."

Carlos hesitated some more, but reluctantly agreed and looked at James once more before slowly walking away. When he was gone, Kendall and Logan turned to each other and sighed.

"I'm really scared now." Logan said. "I mean, you hear what the doctors keep saying. What if James really doesn't make it? What if he dies today? What if he dies right now…" Logan said. Kendall shook his head.

"I don't know, Logan, I just don't know." He replied. He looked at the basically dying James lying in the hospital bed. Then he said, in a low voice, "I wish none of this would've happened in the first place."

The doctors walked out of the room then, talking over things scribbled on test papers. Kendall and Logan stopped a doctor as he was walking out. "Anything?" Logan asked.

The doctor sadly shook his head. "If anything, he's getting worse. His system is beginning to shut down rather quickly, we don't think we'll be able to keep him alive much longer." Then he walked away, leaving Kendall and Logan totally speechless.

They looked at each other, horrified looks on their faces, then back at James. They wanted to go in and see him, talk to him even though he wouldn't respond, but it was like their feet were glued to the ground.

It took several minutes for either of them to muster anything up to walk into the room. They stopped next to James' bed and peered down at his face. It was too pale.

"James…" Kendall said, but nothing else. He wiped a tear from his eye and took a deep breath to keep himself from crying. Logan stared sadly down at him and closed his eyes.

"I can't believe we did this to you, James. I'm so, so sorry." He said. "I wish there was some magical way we could fix this."

Although Logan knew James wouldn't reply, he had a tiny spark of hope that he would. That he'd sit up, smile and start talking. That he'd be alive. But no, he still lied there, cold and almost lifeless, dying from a suicide attempt.

"It's not like you, James, to walk away…walk away in the middle of a song…" Kendall said, closing his eyes.

"Why, James…just why." Logan asked, although he knew the answer. He shook his head. "Why…"

As they stood there, in total silence, a song began to play on a radio in the hall. It was Rascal Flatt's song "Why". Kendall and Logan squeezed their eyes shut, but tears still fell down their faces.

_You must have been in a  
Place so dark  
You couldn't feel the light  
Reachin' for you through  
That stormy cloud  
Now here we are  
Gathered in our little hometown  
This can't be the way  
You meant to draw a crowd_

The boys swallowed hard. They couldn't bare to hear this song, not here, not now.

Oh why, that's what I keep asking  
Was there anything I could've  
Said or done  
Oh, I had no clue you were  
Masking  
A troubled soul, God only knows  
What went wrong and why  
You would leave the stage  
In the middle of a song

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen  
As a seventeen-year-old  
Rounding third to score the  
Winning run  
You always played with passion  
No matter what the game

Both boys mouthed out the word on the next line.

_When you took the stage you shined just like the sun_

Oh why, that's what I keep asking  
Was there anything I could've  
Said or done  
Oh, I had no clue you were masking  
A troubled soul, God only knows  
What went wrong and why  
You would leave the stage  
In the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swaying  
In the early autumn breeze  
A golden sun is shining on my face  
Through tangled thoughts  
I hear a mockingbird sing  
This old world really ain't that  
Bad of a place

Kendall's hands gripped the edge of the hospital bed so tight his knuckles turned white as he fought back so many tears.

Oh why, there's no comprehending  
And who am I to try to  
Judge or explain  
Oh, but I do have one  
Burning question  
Who told you life wasn't  
Worth the fight?  
They were wrong, they lied!  
Now you're gone and we cry  
'Cause it's not like you

_To walk away  
In the middle of a song_

Your beautiful song  
Your absolutely beautiful song

By the end of the song, both boys were completely broken down in tears. James was dying, and there would be no way to bring him back if he left.

"Please James, you gotta live…you just got to…" Logan whispered. Kendall's knuckles were whiter than ever from clutching the edge of the bed.

"James….please. I'm sorry. I should've never have treated you that way and I feel like a jackass for it. Please James, I'm sorry. Please come back, please stay alive. We need you, we need you here with us. Don't go…"


	19. Losing Control

**Hope you guys are enjoying the story so far! I'm gonna try to update quicker because I already got another story in the process and I can't wait for you to read it! ;) well, enjoy!**

It was later on in the waiting room. Carlos was curled up on a chair in a corner of the waiting room, finally sleeping for the first time in nearly a day. Kendall and Logan sat there in silence, thinking.

"I sure hope he's gonna be ok." Logan said. He sighed. "The doctors keep telling us he's getting worse."

"We don't need to hear it every ten seconds." Kendall mumbled. He looked out the window. "It's all my fault."

"Kendall, it is not."

Kendall shook his head and sighed. "If only I wasn;t a total jackass and would have even tried talking to him, things wouldn't be like this."

"It wasn't just us, Kendall. It was everyone." Logan replied. Kendall looked at the ground and closed his eyes.

"But we helped."

Logan was silent after that. He stared sadly out the window, looking up into the sky, praying for an answer, a cure, anything. He started thinking about everything he said to James, every bad word these last few weeks that helped push him over the edge.

_James has just turned into this little fuck up lately. I've about had it with him._

_Geez, James, get things right for once._

_And James, you're just jealous of Kyle! It's his because of his success and the fact that you're not the only person in the spotlight anymore._

Tears ran down his face as he thought about it all. He tried to shove the thought out of his mind, but they all kept coming back, reminding him how horrible of a person he was.

Kendall squeezed his eyes shut to keep the tears away as the same thing ran through his own mind.

_You're just jealous of him because you're not the center of attention anymore!_

_You've been doing absolutely nothing but screwing up lately! It wouldn't kill YOU to do something right for once!_

He covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut as tight as he could. He couldn't bare to think about any of it anymore.

"Hey, how's he doing?" A voice interrupted them. They turned and saw it was Kyle. Kendall and Logan exchanged some looks.

"Not too good." Logan replied.

"They say he's dying. They won't be able to keep him alive much longer." Kendall said. Kyle sighed.

"I didn't think he'd do that." Kyle lied. Kendall and Logan exchanged doubtful looks. "I mean, really."

"Oh yeah, neither did we." Kendall said, sarcastic. Anger was boiling inside of him each second. Logan too.

"So he's really dying?" Kyle asked. The boys nodded. "Where is he?" Kendall pointed down a hallway.

"Down there. He's in a restricted part of the ER. His condition is pretty bad, he's in a coma right now. They told us his system is shutting down rather quickly and he's barely got a few more days left." Kendall replied.

"They told us there was a little bit of a chance that he might make it, but he probably won't. His heart stopped when he got here and they have him hooked up to special machines keeping him alive right now." Logan said.

Kyle stared in the direction where Kendall pointed. Although he looked sad, Kendall and Logan knew 100% that he was faking. They could finally see it now.

"He's probably gonna die." Kyle said to himself. Kendall and Logan said nothing, waiting to see what he'd say next.

There were a few moments of silence. "Maybe things will be easier now." Kyle then said. Kendall and Logan raised their eyebrows.

"What? What on God's earth do you mean?" Kendall asked. Kyle looked at them, and sighed, like they didn't know what they were saying.

"I mean, isn't it obvious? He's done nothing but screw up these past few weeks, he's not the person he used to be. You even said it yourselves, life would be so much better without him." Kyle said.

Kendall and Logan grew intensely angry and stood up on their feet, causing Kyle to take a few steps back.

"You know what Kyle, stop it! Just stop it right now!" Kendall said, balling his hands into fists. Kyle raised an eyebrow in speculation.

"What do you mean? Isn't this what you wanted? For James to be out of our lives for good? Things will be better now, just us around. Well, and Carlos. But still, won't it be so much better without James here to mess everything up?"

The two boys were now furious. "You know what Kyle, that is enough!" Logan said. He took a few steps forward. "We may have been your friends, but we're not. I realized we never were. All those things you said about James, that we said, you were just manipulating us. You never cared about him at all, you just wanted him gone all along! And you used us as your pawns in your little game!"

Kyle put up his hands in somewhat of a defense. "Hey, I did nothing to change you guys. You did it for yourselves."

Kendall was never more angrier in his entire life. "You know what Kyle!" He shouted. He took several steps forward and Kyle stepped backwards. "We thought you were our friend, we thought we believed you when you said all those things about James, but we were wrong, YOU were wrong. You did nothing but lie and manipulate us into your own little game. It was you who killed James, you did it. We didn't believe James when we should've all along. It was you, it really was you! We should've believed James and what he was saying, because we now see what kind of a filthy liar you are. Now you get out of here Kyle, before I end up killing you!" Kendall screamed.

"I'm only telling the truth. James was never really needed around here anyways." Kyle said, shrugging his shoulders.

Logan balled his fists and stepped forward. "You know what Kyle, just go! Right now! Nobody needs YOU! Nobody needs and inconsiderate jackass like you! Just get out before we do some serious damage to you!" Logan screamed.

Kyle shrugged his shrugged his shoulders. "You know what guys, whatever. I'm out of here." He said, and he walked away, leaving Kendall and Logan alone in the waiting room.

Carlos began to stir from his sleep from all the commotion. "Hmm? Wh-what's going on?" He asked, dazed.

Logan took a couple of breaths and walked over to him. He knelt down by his side. "Nothing, Carlos. Now go back to sleep. Everything's fine." Carlos nodded and lied back down, falling back asleep immediately. Logan looked at Kendall, who had his head hung down low and was now staring out the window.

"Kendall?" Logan asked. No reply. Logan got up and walked towards him. "Kendall, you ok?" Logan repeated. Kendall shook his head as a reply.

"Kyle has been saying those awful things to James all this time and we didn't even notice until now…I feel like I killed him, it's all my fault." Kendall said, closing his eyes.

Logan put a hand on his shoulder. "It's not all your fault." Logan said, his voice so low it was almost in a whisper.

"Yes it is, Logan! I was such a terrible friend and I should've believed him and been there for him, I was so stupid, I was just stupid, stupid, stu-"

"Kendall," Logan said, interrupting him. He talked in the same low voice. "Kendall, Victoria cheated on him that night, with Kyle."

Kendall turned and looked Logan right in the eyes. "She didn't." He said, eyes getting big. Logan nodded. Kendall's jaw dropped in disgust.

"How could she!" He said. His face grew even more red. "He gave her everything, he loved her and he meant it!"

"Kendall, she lied about having photo shoots just so she could be with Kyle." Logan said. Kendall slammed his fists against the wall. After a few silent moments and when Kendall had calmed down, he turned back to Logan.

"How did you find this out?" He asked. Logan looked at the ground and sighed. He shook his head.

"I found out earlier from some people at the Palm Woods who stopped by here. Apparently it was right after that he tried to commit suicide. I guess everything just got to him and he just had enough of it. After he caught Victoria and Kyle, I guess he just…" Logan didn't finish.

Kendall sighed and looked back out the window, another tear falling down his face. "How couldn't we have seen this coming?" He said, his voice lowering like Logan's. "Just how…"

Logan placed his hand back on Kendall's shoulder. "Why don't you lie down too, I think it would be best. Maybe it'll calm you down. We can go check back on James in a little bit." He said.

Kendall just sort of looked at Logan in hesitation and desperation for a few short moments, but then slowly nodded his head and followed Logan to a couch.

When Kendall lied down to take a nap, he found he just couldn't sleep. All the bad memories haunted him, all the bad things he ever said to James flashed back into his mind. That was when Kendall started crying. He couldn't believe what he did to cause James to try and kill himself, and he knew he could never take it back.

Later on, when Carlos woke up, he found Kendall, Logan, Mrs. Knight and Katie all asleep in the waiting room. It must've been between 4 and 6 in the afternoon, but Carlos didn't care. He tip toed silently out of the waiting room and went down the hallway towards James.

When he reached James' room, he found the boy in the same condition he's been in since he arrived. He was cold, pale, unmoving, the EKG beeping rather slowly, the machines that were keeping him alive were still there, and it was all real.

Carlos didn't say anything. He just stared sadly at James. He eyes traveled down his arms, across the many scars that lied upon his wrists. A tear slipped down his face. He didn't do enough to help his best friend. He could've tried harder, he thought. He could've tried harder to save him.

"You'll be ok, buddy." Carlos said, his voice low and scratchy. "You'll live. I know you will."

Carlos heard footsteps outside the hospital room, but he assumed it was just another doctor. But when the footsteps stopped in the doorway and he heard a familiar voice, he spun around to face the person.

"How is he?"

It was Victoria. She looked pale and awfully worried, like she hasn't slept in days. Carlos frowned at her and turned back to James.

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with Kyle?" He asked. Victoria sighed.

"I know you're mad at me, and-"

"Hell yeah I'm mad at you!" Carlos said, spinning around to face her. "How could you, Victoria?" Carlos said, looking her dead in the eye. "How could you do that? Lying to James, cheating on him, especially with Kyle!"

Victoria tried to speak, but Carlos stopped her. "He gave you everything. He cared about you, more than he ever cared about anyone else before. He felt so alone and scared and you were the only thing that made him smile. When he was at his absolute worst, thinking about you made him happier than ever. Then you had to go and ruin it all. When he saw you and Kyle, it pushed him over the edge. After that, he tried to kill himself. Victoria, what you did pushed him over the edge."

A tear slipped down Victoria's face. She tried wiping it away, but more took their place. "I'm sorry…" She began, but Carlos scoffed.

"Sure you are." He said. "Sorry for killing James. Look at him, Victoria." Victoria stared at James' unmoving body, his chest slowly rising and falling, the only thing that told them he was still hanging on.

Victoria looked at Carlos. "I never meant for this to happen." She began, but Carlos just gave a little laugh.

"You never meant for what to happen, Victoria? You never meant for him to find out? Never meant for him to find out you were cheating on him?" Carlos said, crossing his arms.

Victoria's breathing rapidly increased, showing she was about to cry. She wiped away another tear. "I didn't know what I was doing, I was an idiot." Carlos laughed, but Victoria continued.

"I hate myself for doing this. I wasn't thinking, I can't believe what I did. I never meant to hurt him."

This time Carlos bellowed out a laugh. "You never meant to hurt him?" He asked. "Victoria, look at him."

Looking at James only made her even more upset. She began crying. "I just wanted to make sure he was ok." She cried. She covered her face with her hands. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

Carlos shook his head. "Sorry isn't going to fix this, Victoria. Sorry isn't going to take back what you did, what happened. Sorry isn't going to save James, now."

Victoria looked at Carlos, tears streaming down her face, her eyes red. There were a few moments of silence. Victoria took one last look at James and then stormed down the hallway, crying.

She ran past the waiting room and out the door. It woke Kendall and Logan up. They yawned and looked in her direction, confused. Carlos came into the waiting room shaking his head, arms still crossed.

"Dude, what was that?" Logan asked, he and Kendall rising up off the couch and walking towards him.

Carlos shook his head. "Victoria came. She tried to say she was sorry, that she didn't mean to hurt James."

Kendall and Logan glared in the direction she fled. "How can she do that?" Logan said. "After what she did to him? She thinks just by walking in here and apologizing everything is going to automatically be ok?"

"I only wish it was that simple." Carlos said. He closed his eyes and sighed. "I'm sorry guys." He said. "This is just a stressful time for me, for all of us. Not knowing if James is going to live or die is getting to all of us."

Kendall placed a hand on Carlos' shoulder. "We know, Carlos, we know." He said. "It really is upsetting, and nothing is going to make it ok."

Carlos sighed. "I just wish it would, you know? I just wish I could rewind time and stop any of this from ever happening."

Kendall and Logan looked at each other. "So do we." They both said. Carlos stared down at his feet and took a deep sigh.

"I just want everything to be ok. Everything to be normal." Carlos said. Kendall and Logan nodded.

"So do we, Carlos." Kendall said. "So do we…"

Several days passed. James didn't get any better. If anything, he got worse with each passing day. The doctors said his heart was slowly failing, that he even outlived what they expected. He could die any day now.

Carlos spent each day at the hospital with James. They haven't gone to work in that time period. Gustavo didn't comment on it, although you could tell he was deeply upset. Word got out that it was a suicide attempt, and the media went crazy. Reporters and cameras tried getting into the hospital, but security refused to let them pass. Victoria came every day, but didn't talk to the boys. She just stood and watched from a distance, and when nobody was with James in his hospital room, she'd stand by his bed and hold his hand for a few minutes. Carlos always watched her.

Each day, Carlos sat by James' bed, praying he would get better. He'd stare at his EKG, getting slower and slower with each passing second, praying.

One day, after almost a week, Carlos sat by James' bedside and sighed. "Wake up, buddy." He said. "You need to wake up. I need you to live."

"He's not gonna wake up, Carlos."

Carlos turned and saw Kendall and Logan standing in the doorway, watching him sadly. Carlos turned his head and looked at the ground. "I want him to, though."

Kendall sighed and walked towards him, Logan following. "We do too, buddy." He said. "But the doctors say he's dying." He talked in a voice so low, trying to stop himself from crying once again.

They all looked at James. If it wasn't for the very slow rising and falling of his chest, you'd assume he was dead just by looking at him. It was amazing at how long he was actually staying alive now.

"I know it's hard, Carlos, but it's reality." Logan said, pulling up a chair next to Carlos. Kendall did the same.

"I don't want James to die." Carlos said, looking at James' face again. Kendall placed a hand on his shoulder.

"And neither do we." He said. "The doctors are doing everything they can but nothing's working. They say James could die any second, and it's a miracle that he's actually still alive."

Carlos pressed his hands over his ears. "Please, Kendall." He said, squeezing his eyes shut. "I don't wanna hear it."

Kendall pulled his hand away from Carlos and stared sadly at him. "I'm sorry." He said. Carlos sighed and looked at James, then back at Kendall.

"I know." He said. "I'm sorry I've been off my temper lately. I just can't deal with this. I can't deal with the fact that I go home each day and James doesn't, that he may never walk through our front door ever again."

Kendall and Logan looked at each other. "We think about that all the time, Carlos." Logan said.

"But hey, Carlos, when James came here the doctors said he barely had a few days to live. It's been about a week and he's still hanging in there. If that doesn't show what staying strong really is, I don't know what is." Logan said. Carlos looked at him.

"Logan's right." Kendall said, trying to give Carlos a reassuring smile. "They're saying it's a miracle that James is still alive, but they don't know James. James can live through anything, and that's exactly what he's doing right now. He's strong, probably stronger than anyone we know, and he's proving that to us right now by staying alive, by holding on and not giving up. If you ask me, that's the bravest and strongest thing anyone can do."

Carlos gave a weak smile. "Thanks guys." He said. He turned back to James. "I know he's strong. He will make it."

Kendall and Logan smiled and nodded. "Hey, we're hungry and were going to get something to eat, you wanna come with us?" Kendall asked.

Carlos nodded. "Sure." He said. The three of them stood up and walked out of the room, looking back at James as they walked away.

_Where am I?_

_Why is everything so black?_

_ All I see now is black. Black is just everywhere. I wander aimlessly through this darkness, looking for a way out. But I can't find one. It's just a never ending sea of darkness. I look down. I can see my body clearly. But why is everything else so dark? And why do I feel…funny? Dizzy? Weightless?_

_ I hear voices. I recognize them. Carlos! Kendall! Logan! "Guys! Help me! I…I can't get out!" I scream. But they keep talking to each other, like they can't even hear me. I can hear them perfectly, as if they are standing right next to me. I scream and scream again and again, but they just don't hear me._

_ "Where are you guys?" I scream. No reply. But I keep hearing their voices lingering all around this blackness, louder than anything. I scream at the top of my lungs, but nobody hears me._

_ As tears stream down my face, I look up in desperation. "Guys, please, answer me." I cry. I fall to my knees and cover my face with my hands. Their voices won't stop, they won't go away._

'_I wish he'd just wake up.' I hear someone say. Carlos._

"_Carlos?" I shout. No reply._

'_He's not gonna wake up. The doctors say he's dying.' I hear someone else. Kendall._

"_Kendall! Logan!" I scream. I jump to my feet._

_Nobody answers me. I forgot. They can't hear me._

_ "Guys! I'm ok!" I scream, hoping in some desperate attempt that someone, anyone, will hear me. "Guys! I'm ok, I'm alive! Or at least…I think I am…I'm so sorry! I'm not dying…am I?"_


	20. You're Not Invisible To Me

**I really hope you guys enjoy this chapter! We're nearing the end :( but I've got several other stories ready to write for you! Anyway, enjoy!**

It was dark now, only a few days later. Carlos stood outside of James' hospital room, watching the doctors perform an endless amount of tests on him, like he did so many times before.

"His heart rate is slowing." One doctor said. Carlos didn't say anything; he just stood there in silence.

"His body systems are almost completely shut down. His heart is so bad it's not pumping blood to the rest of his body right." Another doctor said. Still, Carlos watched in silence.

"There's almost nothing we can do for him." Another doctor said in sorrow. "We've done all we can do to save him but he's still dying. Only a miracle can save this boy now."

They all finished their tests and walked out of the room, giving Carlos sad, "I'm so sorry" looks as they walked past him. When he was all alone, Carlos walked up to James' bedside and pulled up a chair.

"Hey buddy." He said, his voice low. He sighed. "They keep saying you're dying." No answer. "But I don't think you are. I know you're a fighter, you're my best friend. You can do anything."

_Carlos?_

"It makes me sad when they talk like that, though. I hate hearing them say that you're sick and dying really fast. I don't wanna think like that."

_I'm still alive!_

"I guess I should've been there for you more, James. I should've done something more to help you. I'm your friend, I shouldn't have been so distant."

_Carlos…_

"But you held on for as long as you could, you stayed strong for as long as you could, and I'm proud of you for at least trying. Just please make me a promise, James. That you'll try harder."

_I'm trying, Carlos…_

"I just want you to be ok, James. I really want you to be alive now…"

_It's hard, like it's getting harder for me to even move or think straight…_

Kendall and Logan walked into the room at that moment. "Hey, how's he doing?" Kendall asked. Carlos shook his head slowly. Kendall and Logan both pulled up chairs. Kendall handed Carlos his guitar and nodded at him.

Strapping the guitar around him, Carlos took a deep breath. "I wrote a song for you, James." He said. He looked at the other boys. They all had sad, worried faces. He turned back to James.

"It was written special just for you." Carlos said, almost in a whisper. "Maybe it'll help you wake up."

The boys all nodded, agreeing they were ready to start. Before they started singing, they all remained silent, sad looks on their faces. Carlos took another deep breath and began playing.

_Do you ever wonder_

_When you listen to the thunder_

_And your world just feels so small?_

_You put yourself on the line and time after time_

_Keep feeling inside like they don't know you're alive_

_Are you on their mind or just invisible?_

_But I won't let you fall_

_I see you through them all_

_And I just wanna let you know_

_Oh, when the lights go down in the city_

_You'll be right there shining bright_

_You're a star and the sky's the limit_

_And I'll be right by your side_

_Oh, you know_

_You're not invisible to me_

_Oh, you know_

_You're not gonna be invisible_

_Do you ever think of_

_What you're standing at the brink of_

_Feel like giving up_

_But you just can't walk away_

_And night after night_

_Always trying to decide_

_Are you gonna speak out_

_Or get lost in the crowd?_

_Do you take a chance_

_Or stay invisible?_

_Oh, when the lights go down in the city_

_You'll be right there shining bright_

_You're a star and the sky's the limit_

_And I'll be right by your side_

_Oh, you know_

_You're not invisible to me_

_Oh, you know_

_You're not gonna be invisible_

_Don't gotta look far_

_I'll be where you are_

_I wish you could see what I see_

_So don't ask why_

_Just look inside_

_Cause baby that's all you need_

_And I don't understand why you won't_

_Take my hand and go_

_Cause you're so beautiful_

_Oh, when the lights go down in the city_

_You'll be right there shining bright_

_You're a star and the sky's the limit_

_And I'll be right by your side_

_Oh, you know_

_You're not invisible to me_

_Oh, you know_

_You're not gonna be invisible_

The room was silent when they were done singing, all except for the slow beeping of James' EKG machine. Carlos stared sadly at James, a tear falling from his face and onto his guitar. Logan placed a hand on Carlos' shoulder and gave him a sad look.

"I don't think he's gonna wake up, Carlos." Logan said, sadly. Carlos looked down, beginning to cry. Kendall stood up.

"Let's go, guys." He said, no emotion in his voice. They all stood up and walked sadly out of the room, Carlos being the last to leave. As he stood in the doorway, ready to leave, he looked at James and whispered,

"You're not invisible to me, James. You never were." And then he left.

* * *

It was later on that night. The boys were staying at the hospital, while Mrs. Knight and Katie stayed at home. Each of the boys lied on a different part of the waiting room on separate chairs, trying to fall asleep. But, none of them were asleep. They couldn't fall asleep in the slightest. Each of them were wide awake, thinking, worrying, about what might happen to James.

They all thought about James. They were all stuck, they now thought that there was absolutely nothing that could be done to save James. They were giving up hope.

But each of them thought they were wrong, that miracles could happen and that they'd just have to pray for one. Maybe that's what they could do. They could pray. They were taught that prayers could fix anything, so why not try now? It was worth a shot. They were willing to do anything at this point. SO that's exactly what they all did, in silence right there in the waiting room. They prayed.

_Kendall:_

"God, please, I just want James to get better. I know I wasn't the nicest person to him, I helped push him to kill himself. But I hope he knows I really am sorry. I didn't mean for it to go that far. You could do anything to me, send me down to hell for everything I've done, as long as James gets better. He doesn't deserve this, he's an amazing person so worthy of life, he deserves every last second of it. He can't go so soon, he just can't. I really, really am sorry for everything that I did. I can't believe what happened. When I found out, I wished it was all just a bad dream, that we'd all wake up and everything would be fine, but it's not. It's real, it's scary and it's real.

"So please, if you really, really can, save James. I guess it took this incident for me to realize what an ass I've been and how much James really means to me. I'd be heartbroken if he died. He's hanging in strong, please let him make it to the end. Please let him wake up.

Amen."

_Logan:_

"God, I really know I haven't been the nicest person lately, especially to James. I don't know why I did that to him. Wait, yes I do. It was because I was a jackass and didn't care about him then. I should've listened to him, I shouldn't have trusted Kyle. I know now that what I did was stupid, but I didn't know until it was too late. James trying to kill himself is really scary. The thought of never speaking to him again made me sick to my stomach, I felt as thought I wanted to cry.

"I really don't want to see James die. He doesn't deserve to go. He really is an amazing person, and my best friend. If he dies, I don't think I'll be able to live with myself. I'm sorry for everything I've done to him. I'm sorry for all the mean words, the fights, the insults, saying he should be kicked out of the band, criticizing him, everything. I'm sorry for it all. Please, save him. Take me, and leave James. I'd gladly give my life to let James live. I feel awful for what happened and right now I'd rather him live than me, he deserves life way more than I do right now.

Amen."

_Carlos:_

"God, I know I don't pray that much, but I hope you listen. James is really sick, he's dying. I know heaven is supposed to be a perfect place, and that when you know someone is ready you take them, but please don't take James. He really isn't ready yet. He has so much to live for, so much to do, he's so young. I don't want to see him go yet. He's my best friend, probably the greatest friend I've ever had, and to see him die, possibly right here and right now…well, it really scares me. I never knew someone who committed suicide before, I'd like to keep it that way. Dying scares me a little, but if my best friend dies?...I don't want to think about that.

"I know you might think that James is ready, but please, let him live the rest of this life. He can't go to you yet, please leave him here with me, with Kendall and Logan. I tried to help him as much as I could, but maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. If Kendall and Logan realize their mistakes now, they can help. I think they do, so we'll all help James recover. We'll all try harder to keep him happy, to keep him safe from anything.

"I know I ask for a lot of things all the time, but this is real, I want this more than anything. Please save James, please. It's all I really want, and I've never been more sure about anything in my entire life. I'd give up everything I have just to talk to James again, for him to start walking, talking and laughing just like always. He's an amazing person and really deserves to live here on this earth a while longer.

"So, if you can, please, please, save James. Please let him wake up soon, don't let him die here, don't let him die now. I'd do anything to keep James alive, to get him talking again. I don't know what I'd do without my best friend by my side for the rest of my life.

Amen."

* * *

That next morning, the four boys went over to James' hospital room as soon as they woke up. Mrs. Knight had called and said she and Katie were on their way.

"He doesn't look any better." Kendall said sadly as they walked into the room. Logan shook his head, Carlos was silent.

"I just wish there was something we could do." Kendall said.

"We could've helped, we could've." Carlos said under his breath. The three walked over to James. None of them touched him, none of them sat down, they all just stood there in a line at his bed side. His skin was a ghostly pale, and it barely looked like he was breathing. The EKG was beeping even slower than it was last night, and it scared them all. James' life was a ticking clock at this point.

"Please don't go." Carlos whispered. James just lied there, his eyelashes unmoving, no sign of life except for his slow breathing. "We need you James, don't go."

"Carlos," Kendall said, sounding like he was going to cry. "There's nothing we can do to help him anymore." Carlos looked at James with tears in his eyes and just looked at the ground, a single teardrop falling to the floor.

"We'll never forget you, James." Kendall said, grabbing James' hand. It felt cold in his own palm. "I promise, we won't."

"I'm so sorry, James." Logan said, placing his hand on James' scarred arm. "I'm sorry for all the things I did."

Carlos remained silent. "I don't wanna say goodbye. Not yet, not now." He said, holding back tears.

"You don't have to." Kendall replied. They were all silent, until a loud beeping startled them all.

"What's happening?" Carlos asked, panicking.

"His EKG! His heart is stopping!" Logan said. In an instant, doctors suddenly began flooding into the room, surrounding James and pushing the boys away.

"Hey! What are you doing? Let go of us!" Kendall cried as the doctors pushed them out of the room.

"We're sorry boys, but you can't be in here. This boy's heart is failing, he could die at this moment and we can't have anyone here." One doctor said as they tried yanking the boys out of the hospital room.

"James!" Carlos cried. You couldn't even see James now because so many doctors were surrounding his bed. Kendall, Carlos and Logan watched in horror as a few doctors pulled out a difibulator.

"What's going on?! What's happening?!" Mrs. Knight asked, her and Katie running up to the boys.

"It's James!" Kendall shouted, tears falling down his face. "He's dying! He's dying!" Everyone watched through the window in terror as the doctors shocked James' chest. Once. Twice. Three times. Nothing was working. Some doctors were panicking, others were shaking their heads, saying there's no use.

The monitor flat lined.

"James! Oh my God! James!" Carlos cried as the doctors tried shocking his heart again. Nothing worked. Everyone outside was crying as James' EKG went flat.

"Oh my God!" Kendall and Logan cried. Katie buried her face in her mother's shirt and wrapped her arms tightly around her, crying.

"James! No, James! You can't die!" Carlos screamed. But it was no use. The doctors kept trying to shock his heart, but it still flat lined.

"Save him! Save him!" The three boys outside the room screamed. Mrs. Knight watched in horror, tears streaming down her face. No matter what the doctors did, though, nothing was working to bring James back.

"Come on, James! You can make it!" Kendall screamed. They all had their bodies pressed against the window, watching desperately as the doctors tried to save James.

"You can make it James! Come on, come back!" Logan shouted.

"Fight, James! You can do it!" Kendall screamed.

"Come on, James! Don't give up!" Carlos cried.

_Keep fighting…_

"James! Don't die! Come back!"

_I can't…_

"Don't give up! Just keep going! You'll live, you just have to fight!"

_Keep fighting…keep going…_

"Just pull through, James! Hang in there!"

_Keep…fighting…_

"Please, James! Please!"

_Just…keep…fighting…"_


	21. Everything's Going To Be OK

The EKG started beeping again.

Everyone froze in their spots as they watched the monitor miraculously start beeping, showing signs of life.

"James!" Everyone shouted. They all watched as the EKG kept beeping, getting stronger and stronger. Then, in the boys' amazement, James began to move.

"James! He's ok! He's alive!" Carlos shouted. James's eyes began to twitch a little bit, and his arm moved half an inch.

"He's ok! He's ok! He's alive!" Kendall shouted. Everyone's hearts were beating incredibly fast as they watched this scene play out on front of them.

"Patient started moving and is showing small signs of life." One doctor said, quickly scribbling down words on a clipboard.

"James! Come on, you can do more! Wake up, buddy!" Kendall shouted. The three boys had their faces pressed up against the window, hearts racing, praying. James might actually live after all. But he still had to stay strong. He wasn't there yet.

"Come on, buddy. I know you can make it. Please, you've made it this far." Carlos said, quietly. He watched, tears running down his cheeks, as James slowly began to move.

His eyes twitched again and his head moved. His mouth moved a little and even though he wasn't moving a lot, it was enough to show he was alive.

Everyone watching this moment had their eyes wide and hearts basically on hold. They watched, in hope, as James' eyes began to open.

"James!" The three boys screamed out. James was awake. He was alive. He was ok, for now. He kind of layed there for a minute, dazed and confused. He could barely keep his eyes open, he didn't know who or where he was.

"Everything's alright." A female doctor said to James, in case he'd start freaking out. "You're ok, you're in the hospital."

James didn't respond. He barely looked at her. His eyes were half open and half shut, like a person is when they just woke up from a really long sleep. He looked dead, his tired, sunken in eyes, his pale skin, but he was alive. He was ok.

He survived.

Nobody outside dared speak a word. They couldn't, even if they wanted to. They all had tears on their faces, sadness mixed with a sort of happiness that James was alive.

"Heartbeat slowly returning to normal. Patient has opened eyes, but hasn't focused yet." One doctor said to another doctor who was scribbling down a million things onto a clipboard.

Everyone watched as James' lips moved, trying to speak. He closed his eyes and got a pained look on his face. Nobody could hear him. A female doctor leaned in close to hear what he was saying. His lips moved, forming his first words since the attempt. The nurse gently placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a comforting smile, saying a few words to him. Nobody could hear what they were really saying, the doctors voices were all muffled to them now.

"Patient has began to speak. May have amnesia for a while, asked where he was located. Brain is working, functioning rather properly now that he was awaken."

The doctors spoke in whispers to each other, looking at James and asking each other questions. The boys strained to hear what they were saying, and only caught bits and pieces of their conversations.

"Needs more tests…need to recheck body functions…make…sure…he won't relapse."

"Could go…back into…shock…heart tests necessary…"

"Eyes open…already…speaking…dazed…confused…but good sign."

"He's getting better…just a few more…tests…he should be…fine."

Everyone felt relived, but at the same time they were terrified. They weren't going to be totally reassured until James was up, walking, and happy again.

Until he was himself.

The doctors told Kendall, Carlos, Logan, Mrs. Knight and Katie that once they made sure James was alright, they could come in and see him. But they all couldn't come in at once, they couldn't all come in at once so they wouldn't frighten him.

When the time came for them to see James, Mrs. Knight and Katie left the three boys alone. They all agreed the boys should see him first.

A doctor led Kendall, Carlos and Logan to James' room. "Now you'll have to be quiet." The doctor warned, her voiced hushed. "He's still a little dazed from all the medicine we were giving him and he is still slightly in pain. Please don't touch him roughly or talk all at once. Here, come on in."

She opened the door and let the three boys step inside. She left, closing the door behind her, leaving them alone with James.

The three of them just kind of stood near the door for a few minutes, not knowing what to do. James just lied in his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, his eyes half closed.

They didn't know if they should step forward, stay behind, or just leave. The moment was very difficult. What would they say to him? Could he say anything back? If he could, what would he say?

They all looked at each other, uneasy looks on their faces. Logan and Kendall both looked at Carlos and nodded, agreeing he should be first. Carlos took a deep breath and walked forward, Kendall and Logan following close behind him.

James turned his head and looked at Carlos when he reached his bed, his eyes giving off a faint, distant look. Carlos did his very best to hold back tears.

"Hey buddy." He said, his voice low and scratchy. James just stared into his eyes, his skin pale, his eyes still giving the eerie, tired, distant look. After a few moments, he mouthed out, 'Hey.'

Carlos took another deep breath. "We're glad you're feeling better." He said. "All of us. We were really worried about you."

James' weary eyes wandered over Kendall and Logan's faces. They just stood there, watching him, trying so hard not to cry. When James looked them in the eyes, they felt like they wanted to cry even more.

"We were so afraid something was…going to happen to you." Carlos said. He took another deep breath, somehow managing to hold the tears back.

"When you started to wake up, we were so relieved. It was scary watching you asleep for so long." Carlos said. "Are you feeling ok? Are you in any pain?" James nodded, very slowly.

"You must be tired." Carlos said. He rested his hand on James'. James looked at him again.

"We're here if you need anything, ok?" Carlos looked back at Kendall and Logan. "All of us."

James looked at the other two boys, keeping his eyes on them for a few short moments. Then he turned back to Carlos.

"Th-anks." He said. His voice was very low, and sounded scratchy and tired. Carlos quickly wiped a tear from his eye before James could see it, but he wasn't quick enough.

"Please…don't cry…" James managed to say. "See…? I'm…ok…" Carlos forced a small smile.

"Yes…and I'm so happy you're ok." He said, almost in a whisper. Kendall and Logan still remained silent. Neither of them knew what to say. They, too, were about to cry, but were somehow managing to hold back their tears.

None of them dared to ask James about the incident, or why he did it, they just kept the topic positive and far away from that.

"Kendall and Logan were worried about you, too." He then said. He looked at the two of them, and so did James. "They were scared because you were so…sick."

Nobody said anything. Kendall just looked at his feet.

"You need to sleep." Carlos said. He patted James' hand. "We'll come back and see you later, ok? Please rest and get better. See ya, buddy."

James gave a weak smile and nodded, and the other three walked out of the room. As soon as that door closed behind them, the tears started coming.

Kendall ran forward, away from Carlos and Logan. None of them chased after him. They understood how he must have been feeling. All of the guilt and pain he must be experiencing, the internal battle within himself.

Kendall sat down on a couch in the waiting room and buried his face in his hands. Carlos and Logan sat down on both sides of him.

"Kendall…" Logan said, placing a hand on his shoulder, but Kendall pushed it away.

"I can't even talk to him." Kendall said.

"We understand, Kendall." Carlos said. Kendall sniffled and looked out the window ahead of him, tears pouring down his face.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to talk to him again after all the rotten things I've done." He said, beginning to sob.

Carlos placed an arm around his shoulder. "Don't cry, Kendall." He said. "Everything is going to be ok."

"And how do you know?" Kendall said, raising his voice. "I helped kill him, technically. I've lost one of my friends, because of my stupid ego! He hates me."

"Kendall, you know that's not true." Carlos said. "James doesn't hate you. He never did."

"I feel awful, too." Logan said. He sighed. "Part of this is my fault." Carlos groaned and stood up.

"Now stop talking like that, you guys!" He said. He gripped his hair. "Seriously, stop thinking so negative. I know you all feel terrible, but please, try and stay positive for James' sake. He doesn't need more negative feelings then he's been getting. Why don't we just stop saying it's 'All our faults' and actually do something?"

Everyone was silent for a few moments. Kendall and Logan both looked at each other. "He's right." Logan said. "All we've been worrying about was who's fault it was when we really need to focus on James' health."

Carlos sighed and sat back down. "I'm sorry for shouting, guys." He said. He took a deep breath.

"It's ok, buddy. We're all a little on edge right now. But the important thing is James is ok now, so maybe we can all just focus on helping him, ok? He'll be ok, he's made it through tough situations before."

Carlos looked at Logan and gave a small smile. "You're right, Logie." He said. Logan grinned. "You're absolutely right…"

Later on that day, Carlos went into James' hospital room while the others were sleeping. When he heard Carlos come in, James turned his head and gave a weak smile.

"Hey." He said.

Carlos gave a slight grin and replied, "Hey, buddy." He pulled up a chair and sat down next to him. "So you feeling any better?"

"A little." James replied. "A little tired."

Carlos gently patted his shoulder. "You'll be tired for a while, buddy." He said. "You need lots of rest."

James smiled. "Ok." He said. Carlos swallowed and looked down, confused, not knowing what to say.

"So…" Carlos began. He wanted to ask James why. Why did he do it? Why did he try to kill himself?

"So…" He started again. "A-are…are you ready to come home?" Carlos asked. He mentally slapped himself for asking such a stupid question.

But James merely grinned. "I am." He said. "I don't like hospitals, I never really have. I can't wait to go home."

Carlos, trying to hide what he was feeling, gave a fake smile and nodded. He gently patted James' shoulder.

"You'll be better in no time, buddy." He said, sounding like he was about to start crying.

James frowned. "Are you ok?" He asked. Carlos forced a smile and nodded.

"Yeah." He answered, trying to stay positive for his friend. "Never better. I'm ok."

A moment of silence passed between them. All Carlos wanted to do was ask him why, and he could tell James knew that. But neither of them said anything. Plus, Carlos didn't want to put it all back on James' shoulders. The only thing good for him was to start thinking positive and getting on a good recovery, not to think about…why.

"Who's standing over there?" James asked, squinting his eyes behind Carlos. Carlos snapped out of his daydreaming, turned and saw someone standing at the window, watching the two. It was Victoria. Her eyes were red like she's been crying.

When she noticed the two watching her, she quickly left, not looking back. Carlos turned back to James.

"Umm..that was…just a doctor. She was just checking on you to make sure you were doing ok." Carlos replied.

"Oh." James answered. Carlos sighed and looked back towards the window where Victoria was just standing. He didn't care how sorry she was feeling. To him, what she did was unforgivable.

Before anyone else could say anything, a nurse walked in. "I'm sorry to intrude," she said, "but I need to perform some blood tests on James and put some new bandages on his wounds so they won't get infected." Carlos nodded and slowly stood up and walked out of the room, looking at James through the window before he left.

"Now, this will only pinch a little bit." The nurse said, inserting a needle into James' right arm. He winced, but the pain vanished when the bandages on his arms caught his eye.

His eyes darted up and down his arms. Bandages covered almost every inch of them. He suddenly remembered everything.

He didn't know how he should feel. When he looked at his bandaged, self inflicted injuries, for some reason no certain feeling washed over him. He didn't feel anger or even guilt, but somewhere…in between.

James looked around the room. He was finally coming to his sense. He is here, he is alive. He tried to kill himself, but he failed. He is in the hospital. He overdosed. He woke up. He's is being taken care of.

He watched as the nurse drew some blood from his arm. When he was a kid, it used to scare him. He remembered getting blood drawn and crying to his mother telling her it hurt too much. But she would always tell him to relax. She'd keep talking to him, and she would make him laugh for him to be distracted. Before he knew it, it was over.

"I'm going to need to re-bandage your arms, it will only take a minute." The nurse said. James watched her as she carefully unwrapped the white gauze, revealing the many cuts underneath.

The cuts were still there, the reminders of what happened. Some were deep, some were long, some were short. There were cuts of every kind. A strange feeling washed over him, but he wasn't sure what it was.

James watched the nurse's face, to see if she would have any kind of reaction treating a teen boy who cut and tried to kill himself. But her expression was normal, like she's seen it all before. James actually thought he heard her humming.

He wanted to ask her if she treated any suicidal patients before. He wanted to ask her what happened to them, how they did, what they used, and if any were successful.

"Your other arm, please." She said. James lifted his left arm and watched as she repeated the step of taking off the white gauze. His left arm looked worse than his right. Way worse.

The memory came back to him. He remembered that night. He remembered what happened, fighting with Kendall and Logan, the hate on twitter, Victoria cheating on him…he remembered taking the pills, writing the suicide note, lying down, believing, and also hoping, he would never open his eyes again…

He found himself wanting to cry. He didn't know why, he just felt like he wanted to. James did his best not to cry while the nurse was right there in front of him.

She finished bandaging his arm and gave him a gentle smile. "Just yell if you need anything, sweetie." She said. She gave a small laugh and walked out of the room. When she was gone, a single teardrop rolled down James' face. And he just didn't know why.

**JAMES IS ALIVE! Hope you liked it ;) There's just a couple more chapters then sadly this story will come to an end. But I hope you like my future stories! And thanks for all your reviews, I read EVERY single one and they always make me smile! You guys are amazing, thank you so much3**


	22. Tension

**I regret to inform you this story is beginning to come to an end :( But don't worry, I'm already writing another story for you guys! And if you haven't already, check out my short story "This Song Saved My Life" it would mean so much! Thanks for reading :)**

Neither Kendall nor Logan went into James' room. They couldn't bring themselves to face him. They haven't been in there since James woke up earlier that day. They wanted so desperately to go in there, though, and apologize to James, tell him how sorry they were for what they did, but they couldn't.

Carlos was almost constantly in James' room, checking on him, making sure he was ok. They were all somehow managing to keep the paparazzi away from the commotion, but word of James' suicide attempt was all over the news. Everyone seemed shocked, but nobody dared check twitter to see what people were saying. They were too scared to.

Carlos saw Victoria around occasionally throughout the day, but every time she caught him looking at her she'd run away. Each time he saw her Carlos got angrier at her.

It was getting dark outside, and Mrs. Knight and Katie were sitting in James' room, talking to him.

"So have you been feeling any better?" Mrs. Knight asked, holding James' hand. James gave a weak smile and nodded.

"A little bit." He said. "I still feel really tired and a little sick, though, and in a little pain, but I can talk and move more though."

"Oh no." Katie joked. "He's going to start…_talking_ again!" James smiled at her and gave a little laugh. Katie smiled in return.

"Hopefully you can come home soon, we all miss you." Mrs. Knight said. But hearing those words caused James' smile to turn to a frown.

"Yeah…home." He said, his gaze drifting. He stared into space. Mrs. Knight and Katie got worried.

"James, are you ok sweetie? Is something wrong?" Mrs. Knight asked, squeezing his hand. He snapped out of his daze and looked at her again, forcing a smile.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I just got a little distracted, that's all. I'm ok though, honest." James said.

Mrs. Knight and Katie both seemed skeptical, but didn't question his "odd" behavior. "Ok James." Mrs. Knight said.

James didn't want to go home. He didn't want to go back to a place where he knew he would never be happy.

"Everything ok?" Carlos' low voice seemed to overcome every voice in the room as he shyly stepped inside.

James forced another smile and said, "Yeah, everything's ok. I'm ok." Carlos nodded, and Mrs. Knight and Katie stood up.

"We'll leave you two alone. Goodnight, James." Mrs. Knight said. She kissed his head and her and Katie left, leaving Carlos and James alone in the room.

Carlos took the seat next to James' bed. "You in any more pain?" Carlos asked. James shrugged.

"Just a little." He said. "But mostly I'm ok." He replied. Carlos nodded in satisfaction.

"Good, good, that's good." He said, his voice still low. James knew something was bothering him.

"Is everything ok for you though? You sound a little upset." James said. Carlos faked a smile and shook his head.

"What? No, I'm ok! Just a little tired, I haven't really slept the past few days." Carlos said.

"You don't have to lie to me Carlos." James said. "I can tell when you lie. Now tell me, what's the matter?"

Carlos sighed. "I really am alright, ok James? I'm sorry, it's just that I've been up constantly these past few days and I'm a little on edge. I've just got so much stress right now, so I'm sorry."

James nodded. "I understand." He said. "It's ok, I know you're tired. But look, I'm fine ok? You need to go home and have a good sleep. The stress isn't good enough for you. You need sleep, ok? Why don't you go and get some sleep and I'll see you tomorrow ok?"

Carlos hesitated for a moment, but reluctantly agreed. "I'll be back first thing tomorrow, ok?" He said.

"No rush. I'll be here." James replied, smiling. Carlos grinned and patted his shoulder as he stood up.

"You get some sleep too alright? If you wanna come home you gotta get better. Goodnight James." Carlos said, and he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him, leaving an eerie silence in the hospital room.

James stared in the direction he left for a moment, then sighed and stared forward. "I don't even think I wanna go back home…"

A few days passed. News of James' suicide attempt was everywhere. Carlos got annoyed with all the reporters trying to get into the hospital, but was thankful that the hospital security kept them out. He was sick, the last thing he needed was cameras being shoved in his face.

Kendall and Logan never went into James' hospital room. When he was awake, that is. They would watch him from the window, and a few times they went into his room while he was sleeping. They desperately wanted to talk to him, to tell him how sorry they were, to be friends again, but they couldn't bring themselves to do so. They thought James hated them, that he didn't want anything to do with them anymore. Carlos tried to convince the boys that wasn't true, but they didn't believe him.

James tried to act happy around the guys, but inside, he was…scared, if that's a good way to put it. They all talked about him getting better and going home, that he'd be up on his feet in no time, but in reality, James didn't want to go home. He honestly and truly wished he would have never have woken up. He knew when he went back to the Palm Woods, when he walked out of that hospital, nothing would change. Everything would still be the same, and that's what scared James. Everyone would still hate him, his girlfriend would still be a cheater, and worst of all, Kyle would still be there.

Even the thought of him made James angry. It was Kyle who ruined it all for him, Kyle was the reason he was the way he was. He thought the only way to escape everything Kyle caused was to end it all.

Nobody talked to James yet about his suicide attempt, but he could tell by their faces that they really wanted to, especially Carlos. Every time Carlos was around James, he would get uneasy, pulling at his clothes and acting nervous, and then claiming nothing was wrong.

James wasn't sure if he wanted to talk about it at all, at least not yet. He wanted to just put it all behind him and everything to get better, but he realized that wasn't the case. He didn't really want to let one word about his attempt to kill himself escape his lips, but he was now starting to think that wasn't a good idea. It was beginning to eat at him, he just couldn't push it behind him.

James was lying in his hospital bed, reading a magazine, when Carlos walked in. James grinned and put down the magazine as Carlos pulled a chair up next to his bed.

"Hey buddy." Carlos said, sitting down in the chair.

"Hey." James said, smiling. He sat up the best he could in his bed and turned towards Carlos.

"You seem to be moving so much better." Carlos said. "The doctors said since you're recovering so quickly you might be able to go home sooner."

James faked a smile and nodded. "Yeah." He replied. "Can't wait. I'm sick of being trapped in here."

"It'll be better once you're home, huh?" Carlos asked. James smiled, but frowned inside. Home.

"Yeah, I can't wait to go ho-"

James stopped in the middle of his sentence when he glanced up at the doorway. He saw Kendall and Logan watching them through the window. They seemed to notice James saw them because they quickly scampered away. Carlos turned around, but didn't see them in time.

"Something wrong?" Carlos asked, turning around again to see what James was staring at. James snapped out of it and looked at Carlos.

"What? Oh, no, nothing's wrong. I guess I was just daydreaming, that's it. Continue?"

Carlos smiled and shook his head at James, playfully, then continued on with his speech. James watched, intently, and smiled and laughed as Carlos attempted to make James happy. James went along, actually feeling happy for once in the last few days, but couldn't stop thinking about Kendall and Logan by the door. Why were they standing there, and why didn't they just come in and talk to him?

While Carlos and James were talking, James pulled his phone off the side table and went to open twitter, to see what people were saying. When Carlos saw, he quickly put his hand over the phone.

"You really think that's a good idea?" Carlos said, his voice a little low. James looked at him, then his phone. Without saying anything, he placed it back on the table.

Carlos sighed. "I just don't think it's a good idea." He said. "You know, after…everything."

"I know what you mean." James said. There was a few moments of silence between them. James fiddled with his fingers and Carlos bounced his leg rapidly-they both knew they wanted to say something.

Finally, Carlos spoke up. "James?" Carlos asked, his voice low, not even looking at him. He stared at the floor.

"Yeah?" He answered.

"Why'd you do it?"

There was a pause.

Carlos looked at James, slowly raising his gaze to meet his. "Why?"

James opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't find any words to say. He could see the nervousness in Carlos' eyes, and could tell he was nervous by the way he gripped his fingers-he held them so hard they turned white.

James sighed and stared blankly at the edge of the bed in front of him. "I just…" He began, but couldn't find his words. "I just…I couldn't…I didn't…"

"James, you don't…"

"I didn't want to live anymore."

A pause.

"Why?"

James sighed. He didn't want to cry, but he could feel his eyes beginning to swell.

"Everybody was making fun of me." He said. The atmosphere in the air changed. Nothing had been done, but suddenly the room seemed darker, smaller. James' voice was low.

"It's like nobody cared anymore." He never changed his straight gaze. "I hated myself. Everything was wrong."

Carlos watched him, an expression James was all too familiar with. James still stared straight forward.

"I tried taking it out on myself." He looked at Carlos. Carlos looked at James' arm. "But hurting myself wasn't helping. I thought I could turn to Victoria, but she…"

James shook his head. "She was no help at all." He looked at Carlos. "I had you though." He said. "But…I don't know. Everything with Kendall and Logan, and Kyle…and everyone on twitter and at concerts…I couldn't sleep…it all got to me until I couldn't take it. My blade wasn't helping…so my pills did."

Carlos had a few tears slip down his face. "You could've told me, I was there, I was listening."

James shook his head. "Maybe I just wasn't in the right place. I don't wanna go home, I don't belong here."

Carlos grew angry. "James, now you stop talking like that right now!" He said, raising his voice. "Stop talking like that! You DO belong here!"

"Why do I belong here Carlos?" James said, raising his voice as well. "Why do I belong here, huh? So people can just push me around? So I can just be a stand in for everyone? For me to just, just, give up and hurt myself? No, I don't want that! I'm not good enough for anyone, and everyone knows it!"

"You're good enough to me!"

"That's not enough!"

Carlos was quiet.

James stopped. He could tell by Carlos' expression that he'd hurt him. "Carlos…" James said, but Carlos stood up out of his chair.

"No, James, you're right, I'm not enough. I'll just leave." Carlos said. He started walking out of the room.

"Carlos!" James said, but Carlos didn't turn around. He left, leaving James alone in the room. James buried his head in his hands. "What on God's earth did I just do…"

Kendall and Logan were watching the whole thing. When they saw Carlos storm out of the hospital room, they tried to stop him. "Carlos, wait." Logan said, but Carlos pushed them away and kept walking.

"Stay out of this, Logan." He said, and he disappeared. Kendall and Logan both looked at each other with disappointment on their faces. This was just another thing to add to the list of things going wrong.

They've been meaning to go into James' hospital room and talk to him, and they both agreed now was the perfect time.

They took the first couple of steps into the room.

"James."


	23. Wake Me Up When September Ends

**Well, here's the next chapter! Sorry for the long wait, I'm writing as fast as I can on these last couple chapters! And I'm sorry it's short and I'm kind of going fast :( Hope you enjoy this though!**

Surprised, James turned his head to face them. Silence came between them for several moments, none of them knowing what to do or what to say. They were trying not to show it, but Logan and Kendall's hearts were racing at that moment.

"Can we talk to you for a second?"

This would be the first time they've spoken since James' suicide attempt. They really haven't been in contact since then, and all three of them were a little scared for whatever was going to be said.

James tried to find the right words to say. He was surprised they were even standing there. "Yeah, take…a seat…I guess."

Kendall and Logan both pulled up chairs next to James' bed and sat down. "What did you want to…say?" James asked.

Kendall sighed. "Look, James." He said. He looked at him. "I don't want to start this off by saying I'm sorry, that we're both sorry, because I know sorry won't change anything that's already said and done." He held his hands together tightly.

"But I do want to tell you I regret what I did to you, and I really am sorry for what happened." Kendall said.

"We both are." Logan said. Kendall, totally nervous and his heart racing, pushed his hair back.

"It's been eating us inside about what happened. When Carlos found you in your room and screamed to call an ambulance, we all rushed in to see what happened. When I saw you, lying there, and I saw all these, these…marks…on your wrists, I was shocked and horrified. I never thought that would happen, and I guess I didn't realize what I was doing until I saw you lying there, not knowing if you were alive or not."

"We were idiots." Logan said. "All the way to the hospital, and all the time waiting, we were scared you were dead. We spent so much time worrying about you it made us sick."

"You could've done something to prevent this. You didn't have to go off telling me I was worthless and teaming up with Kyle to gang up on me. You didn't seem like you cared BEFORE." James said, his voice low.

Kendall sighed. "Yes, I know, I understand, and you have every right to not forgive us or ever speak to us again."

"But we just want you to know we realize we've been jackasses and should have never have done that to you." Logan said. "And you were right, Kyle is a jackass."

James rolled his eyes. "So you can finally see that now? Good for you." He said. He folded his arms and looked away from them.

"It's been bothering us ever since this happened. We've wanted to talk to you for so long but we knew you didn't want to talk to us. We were here every night, though. When you were unconscious, when you were sleeping, we watched you." James looked at them surprised.

"It took us every bit of nerve to come in here and talk to you now. We watched you all that time because we cared about you and we were afraid if we took our eyes off of you for one minute we'd lose you." Logan said. James stared at them, surprised, not knowing what to say.

"But even though we may not have always been here, there is one person who always was." Kendall said. "And that's Carlos."

James shifted, a sad look coming across his face. "I messed everything up with Carlos. He hates me now." James said.

"Don't cry, James." Logan said. "You didn't mess everything up. Everything is just getting to everybody now. He knows you don't mean that."

"Carlos was always there for you, even when nobody was. He stayed here with you every night. He would stay awake until 3 in the morning, we'd have to bribe him to come out of your room, because he was afraid if he left and came back, you'd be gone and he didn't want that to happen."

James was shocked. "Is that…really…true?" He asked. Kendall and Logan both nodded.

"Oh yeah." Logan said. "He was always here. And even when he wasn't, he did nothing but worry."

"He was a nervous wreck." Kendall continued. "He was the one who finally made us realize we should've been a better friend, that we should've been more like him. He really went above and beyond the call of duty taking care of you, and it's amazing what he's done."

James looked at his feet at the edge of the bed. "I guess I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and feeling hopeless to realize I had a friend."

"Don't say that." Kendall said. "Out of everyone, he cared and he really meant it. We may have been complete idiots, but Carlos never was. That's why we know you should patch things up with him."

"He doesn't hate you, James." Logan said. "He never did. He really cares for you." James was silent.

"Please don't ruin what you two have between each other. If anything, we messed up, but Carlos didn't."

James nodded. "Thanks." He said. "I'll fix things." Kendall and Logan began to stand up and leave, but James stopped them.

"Wait, guys." He said. They both turned around. "Thanks." He said. He gave them a weak smile. "Thanks so much."

* * *

James was being released from the hospital in two days. The others were thrilled that he was going back home, but James wasn't. He still hadn't made up with Carlos. He felt stupid for what he said to him. He didn't know how he was going to apologize, but Kendall and Logan kept reassuring him that Carlos would forgive him. James had been talking to the other two a little more, but their relationship was in fact a little strained, but they were still talking nonetheless.

James really didn't want to go home. He tried to act happy, he tried to convince everyone that he was ready to go home, but inside, he really didn't want to go back. Things wouldn't change no matter what he did to himself or where he went, so why bother, right?

James couldn't stop thinking about what he did that night. He remembered taking the pills and writing his suicide note clear as day. It bothered him deep inside. He was kind of relieved that he wasn't dead, but in a way, he wished he wouldn't have woken up in the hospital. He wanted all his pain to end, and whenever he was in the hospital, he felt no pain. The pain of feeling invisible was all gone, he didn't feel unwanted or hated, he felt…happy. Even though he had to be alive, he thought, he didn't want to leave the hospital. He actually felt safe there, like it was a better home then the one he had. And nobody could judge him.

James was flipping through a magazine when Kendall and Logan walked into his room. "Hey." Logan said, the two pulling up chairs next to his bed. James set the magazine down.

"You haven't even spoken to Carlos yet, have you?" Kendall asked. James sighed and shook his head.

"I just can't do it." He said. "He won't come in to talk to me and I'm afraid if I try to get out of this damn bed they'll shoot me down."

Kendall shook his head. "James you're being released in two days, you need to make up with Carlos before you go home." He said.

"He's right." Logan replied.

James turned his head away from them. "You don't know how hard it is." He said, his voice lowering.

"James, I think we d-" Kendall began, but then he stopped himself and the room was quiet for a few moments.

"Look, he's been the one who's been there for you. We haven't, and we could kick ourselves for not."

"But you need to at least fix things with Carlos." Logan said. James rolled his eyes and gripped the bed sheets in his fists.

"You guys think I can just magically fix things? You guys think I can just get up and patch things up with Carlos? You guys think I can just fix things with the snap of my fingers? I'm in a hospital for trying to kill myself, for fuck's sake! I tried to end it because I COULDN'T fix things! And then you guys go and tell me to 'fix things and patch things up'. Well I got news for you, that isn't happening!"

James slammed his fists down on the bed so hard it shook. Kendall and Logan were silent until a nurse came into the room.

"I heard shouting." She said. "Is everything alright in here?"

"Yeah, we're just leaving." Kendall said, eyes saddened and voice lowered. He and Logan stood up and walked out of the room while the nurse walked over to James.

"Just gonna take some tests to see how your heart's doing, buddy." She said with a smile. "Then I gotta change your bandages one last time and before you know it you'll be outta here. Must be nice being able to leave the hospital after all this time, huh?"

James looked down at his feet. "Yeah." He replied. "Just dandy…"

* * *

Tomorrow was the day. Tomorrow would finally be the day James would be going home. On the outside he was happy, excited, but on the inside he was more scared than he had ever been. Over two weeks in the hospital and he still didn't want to go home, he never wanted to go home, but he had to. He was more terrified with every passing second. He hasn't talked to the other guys since he yelled at them yesterday, only Mrs. Knight and Katie visited him.

He felt worse and worse each day. He felt he should tell someone, maybe then he could stay in the hospital longer. But he didn't. He kept it all bottled up inside and didn't say a word. Mrs. Knight and Katie noticed he wasn't too happy, and when they questioned him about it James just smiled and said he was tired. He put on a happy face and claimed he was happy to be going back home so soon.

Which was a big lie.

He leaned his head back and sighed. He had been thinking about one thing the entire day: What would happen when he got home? How would people react? What would they do when they finally saw him walk through the doors which he never thought he'd step through again?

"James!" Mrs. Knight said happily, walking into James' hospital room and snapping him out of his daydreaming.

"You get to go home tomorrow, honey." Mrs. Knight said, calmly, sitting down next to James on the edge of his bed. Katie stood behind her, arms folded, staring at James with an unsure look.

James forced a fake smile. "Yeah, I get to finally go home. I can't wait to move freely out of this stupid hospital bed." He lied.

Mrs. Knight smiled and gently stroked his hair. A few moments of silence hung in the air before Mrs. Knight spoke up in a small whisper.

"I'm happy you're ok, James. I was worried sick. I'm so happy you finally get to come home."

James stared into her eyes and gave a half smile. "Thanks for caring." He said. "I'm glad I'm ok too."

Lie number two.

"You know the doctor said you'll have to talk to a psychiatrist the first few weeks when you come home, right?" Mrs. Knight asked.

James sighed and rolled his eyes, but Mrs. Knight didn't see. "Yeah." He said. "I was told.

_They're trying to write me off as a fucking crazy person! Why do I have to see a damn psychiatrist? This is stupid! So stupid!_

"But anything to keep you ok and safe, James. We need you around." Mrs. Knight said.

_No you don't, you all just feel sorry for me, you never really cared. If you cared you would've done something before this fucking hell hole of a mess occurred. You don't care, you really don't, none of you do._

"The doctors say it's a miracle you're coming home so soon." Mrs. Knight continued. "They said it was because…" She paused for a quick moment. "Well, because you were found so quick after you tried to…well, if Carlos wouldn't have found you..."

James faked a smile. "It's ok." He said. "I get what you mean. I'm glad I'm ok too."

Will the lies ever end?

"You're recovering so quickly, James. We knew you'd make it, we knew you were a fighter." Mrs. Knight gently kissed the top of his head. James watched Katie's unsure look out of the corner of his eye.

"I need to go for a little bit, will you be ok here alone?" Mrs. Knight asked. James nodded and the other two left. James sighed and leaned back in his bed, plugging in his headphones into his ears. He turned up the volume on "Wake Me Up When September Ends".

_Summer has come and passed  
The innocent can never last  
wake me up when September ends_

_like my father's come to pass  
seven years has gone so fast  
wake me up when September ends_

James closed his eyes. His mind started drifting back to the beginning of the summer, before Kyle came to the Palm Woods and everything was perfect. James actually smiled at the memories, at the time when he was actually happy. He remembered meeting Victoria, fans crowding around him, all the love he got.

_Here comes the rain again  
falling from the stars  
drenched in my pain again  
becoming who we are_

His memory was so happy and peaceful, back when he was happy. He hung out with Kendall, Carlos and Logan, nobody hated him, and he laughed all the time.

_As my memory rests  
but never forgets what I lost  
wake me up when September ends_

But all those happy memories began to fade as he started to remember the hurt and the pain. He tried to forget the awful memories of that summer, tried to push it all back and out of his mind, but it stayed, and was clearer than it had ever been.

_Summer has come and passed  
the innocent can never last  
wake me up when September ends_

He remembered the hurt. The pain. The crying. The feeling of being worthless, hated and invisible. He remembered the first cut. The blade, everything he believed would make him feel better. He remembered the blood, the screaming, the fighting, everything.

_Ring out the bells again  
like we did when spring began  
wake me up when September ends_

He remembered the hate, being booed off stage, everyone whispering awful things about him, the cheating, the suicide attempt…he remembered everything.

_Here comes the rain again  
falling from the stars  
drenched in my pain again  
becoming who we are _

No matter how hard he tried to, he just couldn't seem to forget that awful summer. He couldn't live through any more of that, so he tried to end it. To him, it was a logical explanation, and even now lying in that hospital bed he wished he would've never have woken up, he wished Carlos would've never have found him.

_As my memory rests  
but never forgets what I lost  
wake me up when September ends_

He sighed. Nothing could change that. Nothing could change what has happen or what has been done. Summer was over and it was now September, but that didn't mean the same events would occur all over again.

James leaned back farther into his pillow. "Just wake me up when September ends." He mumbled to himself.


	24. Hurt and Anger

**I am SO sorry and I apologize for the late chapter-I was really stuck on this one! But I hope you like it :) I'm sorry if it's not long, but I promise the next one will be!**

**And omg thank you for 100 reviews! And i've heard so many good things about my story and heard people were talking about it and you have no idea how much that means to me! :')**

**Well, I hope you enjoy this chapter! Let me know what you think or what you think is going to happen next! **

He must've dozed off, because he awoke to a nurse checking his heart and his phone on the side table.

"I'm sorry, sweetie, I'm just checking your heart rate. I placed your phone on that table over there." She said.

James sighed. He was sick of being poked and prodded all the time; that would be one thing he wouldn't miss about the hospital. He was glad he'd be free of all the IVs and heart monitors and all the machines. Other than that, though, he desperately wished he could stay.

"You get to go home tomorrow, honey. Are you excited to finally leave this old hospital?" The nurse asked him.

James gave her a fake smile and nodded. "Definitely." He replied. "It's going to feel nice."

"I'll bet." The nurse said. "After being in the hospital for so long, most people want to just get up and leave. I can't even begin to tell you how many teenagers your age I've had come through here and be so glad to finally get out of here."

James nodded and she continued. "But it is upsetting though when I see so many of the same people come through here." She said. She suddenly had a distraught look on her face. She stopped for a moment and seemed lost in thought. "They came here over and over again and all for the same reason sometimes." James was now listening very intently.

"One girl tried to kill herself seven times. I got scared every time we got a call on a successful suicide attempt, although I get scared every time that happens." The nurse sighed. "But one day she came back, and it was her last."

James watched as the look on her face deepened into great sadness, but then she shook it off and continued her work.

"It's a shame so many people don't think their lives are worth it. Very upsetting to me." She said. She finished and smiled at James. "All done for now." She patted his chest. "I'll be back in a little while. Call if you need anything." And she left.

James sat back in his bed and closed his eyes. He just wanted it all to stop. He just wanted everything to be right again. He wanted everything to be perfect. He didn't want to hurt anymore. He just wanted to be dead.

He was standing near the edge of a cliff, looking down. It seemed like an endless fall, looking down from all the way at the top. Behind him was every bad memory he ever experienced. All the ones from childhood, when he was growing up, when he started Big Time Rush, all of them. They played out behind him like they were physically there.

He saw his two year old self running through the hallway and knocking over a vase, and his mother screaming at him. He saw him playing baseball with his friends and accidentally throwing it through a neighbor's window. He saw him playing soccer outside his house and kicking it through his father's new car windshield. He saw him, Kendall, Carlos and Logan taking shopping carts from the store and linking them together to form a train, and riding them through the street. He also them all playing hockey and accidentally knocking people down from hitting the pucks too hard.

He saw Gustavo yelling at him because he stuttered on a word in a song. He saw fans hating him for replying to one Rusher and not another on twitter. He saw fans hating on him because he was dating someone. He saw people hating him because of Kyle. He saw it. He saw EVERYTHNG.

Tears flooded his eyes and went down his cheeks as he watched every bad scenario in his life play out right in front of him. He looked down at the cliff, at the seemingly never-ending fall, how peaceful it looked. How better it seemed then being trapped up there with every bad memory.

All the pain he felt, all the hurt and the hatred, it all built up inside of him. The voices of the memories got louder, and seemed to get closer. He just wanted to forget it, to escape it all, he just wanted it all to end and everything to get peaceful again.

And he jumped.

James woke up with a scream. He was sweating, his heart was pounding, and he was out of breath. He looked out the window. It was starting to get dark.

"I must've been out a long time." He said to himself. He lied back down on the bed and wiped some sweat off his forehead.

"You have been, darling." A voice said, startling him. He jumped and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the nurse walking in with a blanket in her arms.

"I was on my way over here when I heard you scream. Must've been a bad dream. Are you ok?" She asked.

James nodded. "Just fine." He said. "Bad dream, that was it." The nurse smiled sweetly at him and set the blanket down on the foot of his bed and checked his heart monitor.

"Your heart rate seems to be doing fine…now at least." She said with a giggle. "Your friends have been in here since you've been sleeping. We told them you needed rest and they agreed. Oh, and some girl was here to see you."

James sat up quickly and looked at her, puzzled. "Some girl?" He asked. "What, 'some girl'?"

The nurse talked as she checked his monitors and wrote things down on a clipboard, not even glancing at him. "Oh, some girl by the name of…Victoria, I believe? Said she was a friend of yours. I told her you were resting, that you were having a tough day, but she still sat here for over an hour just watching you sleep. Poor girl."

James just stared ahead. Why on earth would Victoria, after what she's done, have the nerve to even show up here?

"She's been here ever since you were admitted to the hospital. Just about every single day she's been here, always asking how you were doing and sitting by your bedside while you were sleeping. Sometimes she'd be here for hours, just sitting next to you. She talks to you all the time. She comes in here, makes sure you're nice and tucked in, fixes your pillows, little things like that. I think it's actually quite cute."

James didn't know what to say. He was confused. Victoria, after cheating on him for weeks, maybe even months, breaking his heart, making him think she cared, and giving him the one final blow that caused his suicide attempt, was doing all these nice things for him. So now she truly cared, after all that's happened? Did she really care…or did she just feel sorry for him? Did she just feel guilty?

"Well, I'll be back in a little bit, bye James." The nurse said, smiling, and she left the room. James still couldn't say anything. He was confused and in total shock. Why did Victoria come here? What gave here the nerve to show her face around here after what she's done?

Suddenly his confusion turned to anger and rage began to boil inside of him. Why did she suddenly start to care NOW, of all times? Why is it that people only care when it's too late? Did she actually care or just not want to be blamed for everything? Did she think she could just come in and act like she cared just so she couldn't get blamed for James trying to kill himself?

James screamed and slammed his fist against the bed. "How could she!" He accidentally shouted. He fisted the bed sheets in his hands so tight his knuckles turned as white as the sheets. What made her think she could just walk in here and forgive him just like that? Did she really think that could happen?

Or maybe James was just overreacting. Maybe all the days in the hospital were getting to him. He sighed and calmed down, letting go of the sheets and settling back in the bed. He closed his eyes and fought back tears. He hated feeling this way. He wished none of it ever happened, and that he could go back to the time before all of this started, when everything was _perfect._

He buried his face in his hands, sighed, then lied back and stared straight up at the ceiling. Maybe he just needed time to think, he thought. Maybe he needed some time to cool down. Maybe he actually just needed time to think things through and sort them out. Maybe he could forgive her for what she did one day, when all this was finally over and done with. If that day ever came, that is.

Wait, no, he thought to himself. Why should he? What she did was horrible, it only contributed to what he was going through. Victoria knew what she was doing was wrong. She lied to him, cheated on him, neglected him in the worst way possible when she knew his heart and soul were crumbling away by the minute. She was the only ray of sunshine he had left in this cruel world, and she took it all away from him, treated him like he was nothing. And yet she still has the damn nerve to show up at the hospital and act like she cares. No, I won't forgive her, he thought. I'll _never _forgive her for what she did to me.

And with that, he closed his eyes and went to sleep. Tomorrow was a big day, after all.

"I'm so sorry you have to be like this."

A tiny, soft voice spoke quietly in James' ear. As quiet as it was, it was still enough to wake him up. He has been really tired lately, but the tone in this voice was enough to wake him.

"I know you'll never, ever forgive me for what I did, I know I deserve it, but I can't help myself from telling you sorry and asking you to forgive me. You don't have to."

James was now wide awake at this point as he recognized the voice: It was Victoria's. He kept his eyes shut and pretended he was sleeping.

"It's 3 in the morning, James." She said in a whisper. "I had to see you. This has been bothering me for weeks and I feel guilty inside because this is all my fault. I am so, so sorry."

_Bullshit._

"I now know what I did was wrong, I guess I've known all along and was just too much of a fucked up bitch to realize it."

_Ha ha, yeah right._

"But my heart has been hurting ever since I saw you at the door, watching me and Kyle. I guess it took this for me to realize what I've been doing was wrong. Let me tell you what though, this is the worst punishment I could ever receive. When I thought I could actually lose you, that we all would, I could do nothing but sit up and cry each night, knowing it was all my fault."

She stopped for a moment. She sounded like she was going to cry that entire time, and it only got worse with each word she said. She took a tissue out of her pocket and wiped her eyes.

"I shouldn't be crying." She said. She put the tissue away. "I should've realized how you were feeling and done something to stop it-no, wait, I could've done something right from the start. I should've know, I was such an ass, I admit to that. I just can't believe I did this. It doesn't seem real. I never knew someone who…tried to…actually _kill _themselves. It just doesn't seem real, you know? Like, it seems like the kind of thing that only happens in movies and books and to other people, but never to you. I don't know exactly what was running through your mind when you took those pills, but I know I was the cause of it all-look at me, I'm talking about myself _again._ I can't believe I keep doing this, I-for fuck's sake!"

James just listened as she buried her face in her hands and cried for a moment. Part of himself, a small part, actually felt sorry for her, but another part of himself didn't care. He hated mixed emotions.

After a few moments, she calmed down. She wiped her eyes with the tissue again and then turned to James and sighed.

"You know, when you come home today, I don't want to be a sad, sick reminder of what you've done. I don't want all those feelings to come back to you." She said. She stood up and pushed the chair back.

"Which is why I've decided I'm moving back to Colorado. I don't want to be just a reminder and I don't want you to look at me one day and trigger yourself to do something awful to yourself again. I already called my family, and I'm leaving sometime this month. Bye, James."

As Victoria left, James' eyes snapped open and he watched her leave. Did she just really say what he think she just said?

When she was gone and the room was once again totally quiet, James stared straight ahead with wide eyes. As much anger as he had towards that girl at the moment, he still couldn't help himself from feeling shocked that she was actually leaving. Maybe some part deep down inside himself really did care, maybe there was a little feeling left inside of him. Was it love? Not anymore. But he still couldn't help but feel upset about this.

Victoria was leaving. Not leaving the Palm Woods, but leaving the state. She was giving up on her dream and moving back to her hometown in Colorado. James didn't care about how much he hated her at the moment, he wanted to cry because she was giving up on her Hollywood dream because she felt _sorry _for what she did. Was James wrong and she really did care? Was he wrong and she still had _some_ kindness left in her heart?

James closed his eyes and fisted the bed sheets to keep himself from screaming. This was really happening, all this was really happening right in front of him. Victoria was right, it doesn't seem real, it doesn't seem like the kind of thing that happens to you, but here it was, clear as day, unfolding right in front of his eyes. He closed his eyes real tight, bared his teeth and fisted the bed sheets so tight he thought he'd put a rip in them as his anger boiled higher and higher. He didn't know why he cared so much about this girl now, but the feeling was happening, and he just wanted it to stop. After all the hurt and pain she caused him, she comes and says this to him, and suddenly James feels something different. Not love, not kindness, but an odd, strange feeling. He couldn't identify it, but it was there. Was he actually feeling…_sorry _for her?

He took deep breaths, because he was so close to screaming out loud he could feel it on the tip of his tongue. He hated this, he hated feeling like this. And it was only going to get worse.

What was next?


End file.
